Obsession..II

I am going to share some experiences  with the girls obsessed with their parents. I want to say categorically that i am not against daughters looking after their parents, but  these are the instances where they brought lot of problems in the other households.

Such girls marry for their own comfort, they never really feel any love affection or respect for their husbands even leave aside inlaws..but they want their spouse to respect and care for their parents.

On every small small thing..good or bad they run to their parents,without worrying about their own family(husband and kids only because inlaws are never considered family) leaving husbands with children .

Their priorities always remain with their parents, nobody else.But how can they grow as a family and get roots? Earlier we used to say for the boys that dont marry if you want to be a son only, today i want to say the same to daughters that dont marry if you want to be a daughter only.

And the main culprits are parents who bring their daughters with love but no discipline and values..
And on top of that after marriage they still call them for little little celebrations and small small health problems, creating disharmony in their life

I feel very surprised with the attitude of parents, how can they do it..demand their pound of flesh, earlier it was with sons and now with daughters..whats the difference.
I myself have a daughter and son both , but i would never demand their attention or finance unnecessarily or if it disturbs their life.

I have a suggestion to all the parents of young girls..and their parents
Its commendable that you gave your daughter love and affection and equal opportunities and didnt make any difference between sons and daughters, but tell them also how to make a family, how to add value to your marriage,if you cant be a giver then bring a balance, dont be a taker only.

I find it exasperating to see home makers asking their husband who is having a 12 hour job to do help in the house also.
I you want equality earn it..if he is working 8 hours outside you better work for 8 hrs first then demand help.
Have a division of labour..if both are working, they can divide the work, but homemakers should look after the house completely, if they can afford, then keep a help, if not do it your self.

Same about finances..I see girls spending indiscriminately on trips to their parents and gifts, try to restrict them and you are in a worst war zone...why cant they think about their own future, kids future and other emergencies.

If you cant live without your parents, better to make them stay with you instead of running six times a year. You will be able to take care of them and will not be disturbing your own family too.

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Obligation

If you worry about mother you should do this.

If you want to make your parents happy you must do this.

This is the least you can do after what we have done for you.

Have you heard all these sentences? I hear all them all the time from so many people. Is it the way life has to be or should be?? NO..Everybody has one life even your children, so let them live independently. And blackmailing them with the  sentence that their end is near so they should fully concentrate on them  is again misleading because life and death both are very uncertain, nobody knows how long he/she is going to live whether young or old.

I see many parents outliving the children.so.We consider the parents children  relationship very sacred and selfless but is that really so.I dont think so. In most of the families I see that parents are main reason for the conflicts in life.

I would never like to send my children on a guilt trip for anything and everything.I want them to fulfill their dreams and live a happy life.For me if they are happy, I am happy. I dont feel the need to call them for every little thing.Or make make me the centre of their life..No I am a part of their life and I want to remain there.

I feel that if parents have money, many problems can be solved by that,But if they dont have then children should provide for them but children shouldnt be asked to do the service of an attendant after a particular age.Yes its the duty of children to see that their parents get food, medicine ,clothes and all the care, but devoting 24 hrs to them is not good for children even..

Everyone needs to have a happy life to spread happiness all around.

In the next post i am going share some experiences about children being obsessed with their parents and the result of that:)

Customer service

Today I realized what is customer service and the changes in the attitude of big stores and small stores.
Today i just went to a near buy local store for vegetable shopping and I bought two packets of milk,also. while billing i realized that one was leaking and when I tried to pick it up, it wet my dress also. But the counter person says that you will have to pay for this as you have done it. Whereas I am a very particular person, I didnt put it below heavy items or anything, and he was so rude that if I had a choice, i would never go that store again. Though i called the manager and he said that I am not supposed to pay for this.

Now if I go to a reputed store, big one, the person there would first take note of MY inconvenience, and apologize for that and clean the mess and would never ask me to pay for this.Customer satisfaction is a big point there.

Most of the local kirana stores  keep the prices arbitrarily,and then they complain abut hyper stores eating their business. So many times I find big difference in prices in velachery and T nagar only..I like big stores because they make shopping enjoyable and economical too by giving so many offers.

Can you suggest something?

This is a personal problem of my close friend, she is not able to find the solution to it, so I am posting here, may be somebody could tell her what to do.

It relates to her husband, he is always doing what he likes, without giving any consideration of her feelings, like he would welcome  many people to their home, and expect her to be very hospitable and do everything for them, though these people may have insulted her and even now dont give her any respect or love, not even to her husband, but whenever they need they suck up to him and he is all theirs.there are some who havent done anything for her her or her family in last 20 years.Even if the need arose, they were not there for them.

She feels very hurt that her husband has no consideration of how she feels, according to her, her feeling should be more important than other people, whether they are his friends or relatives.

What do you think? Should she allow him to trample her sentiments and  tolerate it? It hurts her self respect, because there are some in whose house she was totally ignored and treated badly.

If not then whats the solution?

Mother,s day

Now a days is the season of mothers..yes, dont laugh, wherever you see ,be it face book or whats app or blogs, mothers are being glorified so much.

I dont believe that any relationship is better than the other or one is required more than the other,,its the time and need which define it.

Small children need parents and that tine this is the most important relationship.

But once they grow up and are settled in life, most of the time parents create only problems in their life.This time spouse is most important and then it will be time for children.

So in the whole span of our life at different points different people are important and they should be treated that way, only then life would be beautiful.

I have seen many mothers who were partial to their sons, didnt do much for daughters..but once they grow up, it becomes a fashion to say..my mother is best..do they really think so?

Parents love us and so do we..its a relationship of give and take only, if a child is uncaring or doesnt do anything for the parents, they never like him/her or do anything for them.Its only good ones who get everything.and for bringing up, nobody is obliging anybody..they are doing their duty,as the children do by looking after the old parents..

I know that not many think like this , but I do, as I have seen enough people who didnt look after their children, they were not good parents.

parents and responsibilities

Whenever I see the posts on old parents, old age homes and the people's comment..he is a good son, or he is a bad son...all being judgmental without even knowing the circumstances and problems of the young people....I feel like saying something with real experience...

I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws who are financially dependent on you?..live with them life long...with respect and care?

Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.

Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..

I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens, though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...

Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..

Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..

Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...

Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....

RIGHT YA WRONG

I have been thinking for a long time, what is right?
To reach the aim or target , by any ways or
The ways we follow are more important than the end?
Some people say-there is no harm in a little twisting here or there if our intentions are good and our ultimate aim is for the benefit of may be society or country or mankind whatever it is.But then like they say--chori to chori ha--one cant give it any other name.and it will always leave its footprints on your mind.
There are so many people who justify corruption by less paid people, but i dont agree with that, because in a world there would be many people earning more and many less, earnings dont decide the morality of a person.
Personally i think means are more important than the end, we must choose the right path and it will always take us to a good end,may not be the pinnacle of success , but the satisfaction of the journey will certainly outweigh that.Journey is more important than the manjil(end).Intentions only make us feel good......like may times we say..but my intentions were not like that ,so what.., but they dont affect anything else, its only our deed which bring results. and any unfair mean for a righteous cause also will certainly somewhere bring unfairness.
What do you think?

Why do men die first:)

I got this in email fwded by my sister, and I find it worth sharing..worth a few laugh:)

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity
.If you mention how nice she looks ... its harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers .. you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache...you don't love her anymore.

Why do men die first?Because they want to.

Changing times

I was thinking that how with the times sensibilities also change..Like when I was young before marriage I wore salwar kameez , and after marriage, as was the custom sari..never found it uncomfortable or cumbersome, instead whenever some one from my in laws side wanted to see me in other dresses, I felt shy and uncomfortable....Today girls feel more comfortable in any  dress other than sari.

After marriage, when my surname changed, i never felt that its an attack on my identity, I felt even happy with Mrs. so and so..with my changed status.

In the same way I never ever thought that after marriage , I will do everything as in my parents place or follow the traditions of my parents family..I took to everything in my inlaws house very naturally, because i was brought up with that..I was given lot of love and everything, but i never thought that I will have any share in my parents's property, nor i will have any responsibilities  towards them...both remained with my brother.My duties and rights both  were in my new home.

Because of this type of thinking, in our times girls took less time in becoming one with the new family.

SCOUTING FOR A PARTNER

Now a days on of my nephew is looking for a life partner. And we came to know that today arranging a marriage is tough job, because earlier only boys had expectations, today girls have more expectations than boys, so matching them is quite difficult.
One thing i noticed that most of the time when boys scout for a girl , they like the girls who are good looking if not beautiful and talkative, and independent type,and they dont mind giving girls expensive gifts and doing other expenses while dating, but after marriage, they want wives to be economical, domesticated and polite.
And whenever they meet prospective candidates, they never ask relevant questions, instead its about trivia.like hobby, food etc.Though people change over time, i thought of certain things, which should be clarified before marriage...

1. Both should know what they are looking for in a marriage..is it about eating out more, more movies and good clothes and exotic vacations only............................................................My thought...marriage means housekeeping, managing the extended family, cooking,and managing finances, so think who will do what?
2. Is the partner ready to live with other one's parents? and if he situation arise how will they manage?.......................................................My thoughts..In our society its assumed that boys parents will live with them, so any girl assuming otherwise should be clear from the beginning,and if and when girls parents need them, boys should be ready for that.
3. what do they think about having  children..
4. what is their outlook about savings and expenditure?
5. And most importantly..are both going to work? then what will be their coping mechanism?..My thought....is that if both work then both shouldnt be ambitious in career, one needs to take it easy..And if only one works, then other should take the responsibility of house without expecting any help from working spouse.

One's whole life changes with marriage, so its very important to take a decision with lot of mulling over all aspects.I like to think before marriage, and then make it work.