why?

Why people today are getting egos bigger than their personalities...most of the people are so hung up on praise that they are far removed from reality and anybody reminding them about it becomes pariah...

Unless we take criticism in our stride we can never improve ourselves.I always think that whenever someone says anything negative, people start blaming that person only, instead of looking inward and trying to figure out whether there is some truth ..... most of the people behave irrationally with criticism...not many have the strength of character, yes thats what is required to take it in your stride....generally this is what happens....


Parents...as long as you keep telling them that they have done the best and they are always right, they are happy,the day you point the opposite...you are an ungrateful child, who doesnt even know how much parents suffered and all that.

Hubands...They always like to listen that they are god's gift to their wives, and as long as you pamper their ego, their stomach and their family..you are just great otherwise..god save you:)

Wives...Whatevr they may  get from their husbands, they are never thankful in anyway, its their good luck that they got it, but whatevr they are not getting, its not their bad luck or anything lacking in them but husband and his family is at fault.

Sisters:...just listen to them, their gossip,all the time, be their sounding board, morale booster and partner in crime..you are the best, the day you dare to speak your mind.the truth.you are doomed.

Brothers...They are really a god's gift to sisters, as is told to everyone from their childhood and they take it so seriously,that all the onus for maintaining status quo lies on sisters only......

children......do whatever they want you to do, have no mind of your own,and never ever ask for any protocol...you are greatest mother on earth, do the otherway......and you wouldnt find a place even below the earth.

Son.inlaws..They are the most indifferent lot..you dont exist as long as you dont interfere with their daily routine.though at the back of their minds too..MIl is dominating:)

Daughter-in-laws;..Pamper them silly, break you back doing everything for them, but the day you demand your share of love and respect..commanding and demanding comes into the picture and..you will become a monster.in.law.

What has family come to?

Whenever somebody says something negative about us..we must stop and think for a minute..may be he/she has some iota of truth....but if we surround ourselves with the people always praising us even if its not hundred percent true, then we are living in an illusion, we may be temporarily happy, but for long term happiness and growth we need to grow and learn the truth.and if need be there ,then change also.

Marriage

I was always of the opinion that we are better off because we dont have divorces so much.because i feel that divorce always makes a very Strong effect on children, but thats another topic,another time.In this week i came upon a few couple and some of them in their 50,s and realized that they are living a facade, they are so unhappy and full of aggression, whereas outside nobody can realize that even.So I cant say now that unhappy marriage is better than divorce, but.yes I have a few suggestions to resolve that conflict,its only my experience which I am sharing, no expertise,,

For our happiness we have to take charge ourselves, it shouldnt depend on others behaviour or doing be it spouse, children, relative or friends.we should do what makes up happy, of course without hurting anyone.

We should have lot of communication, unless we tell our spouse what we dont like, how the situation will change.

we should do our own thing some of the time, like I love watching movies but my husband doesnt, so i go with my friends, and if no friends, I may go alone also. Same way if one person doesnt like travelling or has any other reason may be health or anything, and second one wants to see places, then occasionally make a programe on your own.

We can not be conjoined twins, we are two individuals, coming from different back grounds and different personalities and if its an arranged marriage, then may be we dont have a single common interest, so we need to find a common ground with lots of communication.

Many spouses never realize that other one doesnt like their too much emotional contact with their siblings, it doesnt mean that we stop loving our siblings, but we should honour our spouse feelings also, and he/she should always come first. we can love our siblings and do everything but without involving our spouse all the time.

I would say that..

Life is not about pleasing everyone,
but hurting no one.

FRIENDS

Today i saw a quote and liked it..it was.like intelligent people have few friends because they are selective something like that..and as soon as I posted it in my group, discussion started. Those who have lot of friends, felt that it was a blow to their intellectual status and it left me wondering, how and why we make friends, and why some people have lots and some only few.

Actually making or not making friends, it all depends on liking and nature and we have all sort of people in this world.

There are some who like like to be surrounded by people, so they make lot of friends, and obviously they are not very selective about them. Because its very difficult to find lot many people who are like minded, you get only few.And in this scenario, not many people are genuine friends.

And there some people who like to be surround by one or two but like minded people,who believe in same things and have similar tastes, though sometimes opposites also attract.

For me personally I am a loner, prefer my own company over just any other person.I cant be friendly with just anyone and everyone. I help everywhere, whenever required, but I am friendly to a very few.and this has been the scenario from my childhood. I like my books more than artificial people , because i find many people who have no ethics and honesty in relationships, whereas for me these things are more important than affection even. And fake relationships are more painful than being on your own, because every second day you are hurt with their attitude. Today its a material world, people side where they gain, they dont have any permanent likings.

That way i can say that I like wise enemies more than foolish friends or even relatives.

What do you think?

parents and responsibilities

Whenever I see the posts on old parents, old age homes and the people's comment..he is a good son, or he is a bad son...all being judgmental without even knowing the circumstances and problems of the young people....I feel like saying something with real experience...

I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws who are financially dependent on you?..live with them life long...with respect and care?

Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.

Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..

I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens, though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...

Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..

Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..

Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...

Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....

SCOUTING FOR A PARTNER

Now a days on of my nephew is looking for a life partner. And we came to know that today arranging a marriage is tough job, because earlier only boys had expectations, today girls have more expectations than boys, so matching them is quite difficult.
One thing i noticed that most of the time when boys scout for a girl , they like the girls who are good looking if not beautiful and talkative, and independent type,and they dont mind giving girls expensive gifts and doing other expenses while dating, but after marriage, they want wives to be economical, domesticated and polite.
And whenever they meet prospective candidates, they never ask relevant questions, instead its about trivia.like hobby, food etc.Though people change over time, i thought of certain things, which should be clarified before marriage...

1. Both should know what they are looking for in a marriage..is it about eating out more, more movies and good clothes and exotic vacations only............................................................My thought...marriage means housekeeping, managing the extended family, cooking,and managing finances, so think who will do what?
2. Is the partner ready to live with other one's parents? and if he situation arise how will they manage?.......................................................My thoughts..In our society its assumed that boys parents will live with them, so any girl assuming otherwise should be clear from the beginning,and if and when girls parents need them, boys should be ready for that.
3. what do they think about having  children..
4. what is their outlook about savings and expenditure?
5. And most importantly..are both going to work? then what will be their coping mechanism?..My thought....is that if both work then both shouldnt be ambitious in career, one needs to take it easy..And if only one works, then other should take the responsibility of house without expecting any help from working spouse.

One's whole life changes with marriage, so its very important to take a decision with lot of mulling over all aspects.I like to think before marriage, and then make it work.

Am I being selfish?

Now a days I am reading Spouse..truth of Marriage by Shobha dey.and since its a book on major relationship in life ..one starts thinking about so many things, like there are some people in my life who claim to care for me, but rarely call me or even if my hubby goes on tour, i am alone,even  then they never make a call even once to ask, how i am managing..and about few of them, i can say that if I ever need them , they will be there for me, but some others ..may be..may not be, or whatever is convenient to them..
so what I am supposed to think..do they really care?
 Should I consider them my own...or i am right in feeling hurt? These are the same people whom I  have cared a lot and done a lot..so is it like asking my pound of flesh?
 Am I being selfish in the feeling that they should reciprocate?..I did what my heart told me to do, because i cared for them, why do I need their social grace, yes its that, to feel happy..Shouldnt I be happy with the feeling that I have done the best I could? and move on....
If ever for some reason, I am not able to do something, people make me feel so guilty, but they themselves never conform.
Is it right to feel exploited or this is the norm today..not to keep up the grace of being in touch..

Really, I am exasperated..sometimes people and relations make me feel so frustrated, but I am a typical saggi..comes out of this phase very fast, and start believing..I am doing my karma, they theirs...

I love my parents and wish them to live 100 yrs

ON face book I get many posts saying.I love my parents and wish them to live 100 yrs..And i start thinking..its my brain which makes me think everything....why do they wish their parents to live 100 years...because most of the time a person above 90 cant be very independent and needs children to look after him/her, whereas their children will also be at that time in the age group of late 60;s or early 70's, and they themselves may be in need of care..of course its all probability only..some people may be fit and fine after 90 and may be independent also..but i am talking in general...How many children are able to take care of their parents for 40 years....barely minimum no. of people..most of the children get fed up after 15 yrs..They want an independent life...and there is nothing wrong with it..its a tiresome journey to look after somebody your whole life..even if he/she is your parent.

So get real..why wish something like this which is totally hypothetical..why not wish your parents a happy, healthy and respectful life..irrespective of years.

Even for myself I never wish for a long life for myself, instead I wish to be useful to somebody and live an independent life..I have no desire to see my grandchildren, then their childhood, then their marriage.....so on so forth...the list goes on...

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just now read the a post by fellow blogger and it made me think on the same point in my way.Most of the time it is said that shun the negative people, dont be near them or dont be near people who make you feel abused, or unhappy or hurt you.. whatever.. but is it always possible.Suppose you have such people in your immediate family..then what to do.so my coping strategies are.....of course with difficult people:)....

First we must introspect.where we can change ourselves. Most of the time we like people who are like us. For example, I am a very meticulous,cleanliness freak and very economical in everything. Now I want  everyone to be like that and those who are not they irritate me or frustrate me.And I want to change them to my thinking..but is it possible to change anyone? so what can be done is..I will have to change myself if I want to be stress free in life.The very first thing I must understand is that I cant run everyone's life. I am free to do what I want in my life, but I shouldnt impose my thinking on others. They may be extravagant, they may waste the resources..but its their life, they are charting their future, why am I trying to be god?.

Now there are some people who cant discuss anything peacefully, they get aggressive and they are the ones who know everything and they are always right:)..let them be, why try to correct them..what will we get?..I have stopped going in details...

I have seen some people living in stress and giving lot of stress to other, only because of one thing..they want everybody either to be perfect or like them..they cant accept that even they are not perfect..and god has never made two people similar, but everyone is unique in her/his own way.Desire to control others always brings disaster..
Be happy and make others happy..thats the way to live..

Do parents differentiate....

I read on a fellow blogger's about her two daughters asking--mama whom do u love more?and it stirred in me a host of memories from my childhood to my kid's, like when we were young we four sisters and one brother and whenever my dad came home and called any of us, the one who was not called will sulk..................you never remember me, dont call my name, you are all the time calling her only and all that..........while in a big family its never possible to call all five in a go:)
My poor mother was always accused of partiality among us, some were called her favourite and she had to bear the brunt of that।Of course as e quite common in Indian families sons are given more importance and on top of that my brother came after 4 sisters, so he was always the VIP,but since my brother was very cute and gentle even in childhood and today also is a very caring person and we all sisters also love him too much so he was not there in sibling revelry.My sisters feel that somewhere they were differentiated, but I never felt like that and still feel that all parents do their best according to the circumstances and times they are living in.

When i had children, I loved them and still love them more than my life,but my daughter will say---u always love bhaiya more, he is treated as a VIP and all that blah blah;;;;;;:)
my son will say----guria is mom's moppet,she will always favour her, mom cant see anything wrong with her,(गुरिया तो मम्मी की चमची हा)...........:)
Poor mom...............she is left wondering;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;On top of that I am given a dressing down from my H also that I have spoiled the children too much.Even today both my children want me to go their place and it becomes a difficult decision where to go...it may look like favouring one over another...which I never do..

Now I have full sympathy for my mom and have realised that----
If a child is very naughty, he will get more scolding but that doesnt mean less love:)
If a child is more laborious and good at work, will get more appreciation,and appreciation is not love.
Parents always love all the children equally, its only that they give more of scolding, appreciation,their time, money and efforts where they find them needed, thats it.

MY response

Today I got this forwarded by a friend....

(Son to his father)

Dear Pop,

I am very sorry to hear about mom’s ill health. During my last visit I had asked her to get her check ups done regularly and she had nodded in affirmative and this news is real shock to me. I could sense the distress you are going through my dear Pop and I really wish I was there with you. My presence would not make any changes in the situation but would give you some support. 

I spoke to my seniors and they have refused to give me any further leave as we have a client presentation and I am representing the company and am shouldering responsibilities which are not so easy to shudder. I am feeling upset about not being present with you but your effort of nurturing my future would also go in vain if I throw this opportunity in the air. So please try to understand me and forgive me for being selfish if its so. I am have already wire transferred 10,000 USD and hope it would be of great help to you. You have always been a strong man and am sure you will not succumb to the pressures. You have thought us to be optimistic and the same goes true today. Mom should be fine. Take her for the best of advice from senior doctors and get her the adequate treatment, please remember that money is and will never be an issue. I have got few telephone numbers from my friends of nurses on hire for terminally ill patients. You can reach them and hire one so that they can be of some help to you. Also look out for some help for cooking, do not torture your tired bones.

I spoke to Mansi and she too is busy with the exams of her children. Her sis-in-law is coming down from Switzerland and she has to be a good host for some time. After the exams she has enrolled her kids for vacation studies and she has also put forth her regret of not joining you but has conveyed her earnest prayers for Mom. In fact, she was choking on the other end when she spoke to me last night. She may call you up today and please do not worry her much as she has been very sensitive right from childhood. My mobile is always ON so that you can reach me at any time.

I will try to make it after I return from Germany, but that would definitely take a month or two. Please Pop, forgive me for being away from you. My prayers for the well being of my mom and for strength for my Pop will be there for sure.

Take care!

(Father in reply)

Dear Son,

I received your good wishes and prayers and was happy to know about your new assignment. I said a small prayer to the lord to give you success in all that you endeavor. I tried calling you up many times but your phone was switched off, I suppose, or may be you were traveling and were;out of range;. I also tried Mansi and she too was not reachable. I decided to cremate your mother quietly and would love to tell you she passed away peacefully. She always had a habit of writing letters to her children. During her last days, she was unable to write to her kids so she dictated it to me feebly and I have jotted down her words. If you have time please read hereon:

(mother's message to son)

Dear Son,

I understand that you were always ambitious in life and when I came to know about your new venture, my feeble hands trembled but surely raised for a prayer for the well being of my two beautiful kids. Mansi’s kids exams will go well and they will pass with flying colours. You too would grab the promotion and make your parents proud my son. I have no regrets of you not coming down, in fact proud of having such wonderful children to whom duty stands first. May be this time, it would be a bit late as I may not be able to meet you again. God gave me the opportunity to carry you both in my womb, go through the wonderful feeling of motherhood and raise you both as such responsible kids. I hope you have carried your leather jacket with you  my dear on your trip to Germany. The money that you have been sending for us is intact in the account as we were never waiting for it. The calls that were made to you were always to hear your voice and not ask for help. I have knitted a lovely sweater for you, do not forget to ask your Pop for it. I have made your favorite pickle; in case, you happen to fly down, do not forget to carry it. Mansi wanted an Ayurvedic medicine for indigestion. I had asked my friend to call in for it. She had got it for me a couple of weeks ago. Later, I was admitted in the hospital, but your dad is aware, please do not forget to collect it from him. Also the CD of your last visit to us is ready and we have been watching it whenever we miss you and Mansi. I had asked your dad to write the CD so that both of you too can add it to your memory shelf. I thank God for this life and am happy to move to the next stage. Your Pop will be lonely and that’s what is worrying me now. I had called for an admission form from the nearest Old Age Home; so that he can admit himself there and have friends to spend rest of his life. Thank you kids for being so wonderful.

Yours Ever Loving,

 Mom

My response....

I dont agree with many things..mother's letter is not very kind but very cliche..very sarcastic too...

Secondly not many children write a letter like this one..sometimes they have some genuine problems too and initially its parents who teach children to earn more and more, then only they are satisfied, its parents who want children to go US because they find it a feather in their cap...how many parents are there who are happy if their children are not ambitious and earn less..they feel inferiority complex..its parents only who inculcate in the children that its only money that matters ..if they earn more they will be respected and when children learn this lesson, they want them to unlearn it..children are not their property they are individuals....

Now a days campus recruitment's are going on..how many parents ask children whether they are happy with what they have found..not many most are interested in knowing and comparing the packages.and boasting about it.

If a child is not able to give luxury to his parents, then also they are not happy and if he works hard to give that, then they want him to be irresposible in his job, only loyal to them..what is this? what do you want? Are you bringing up children or your retirement plan?

I feel that as parents we must provide children good education( I dont mean fancy ones only),good values and shouldnt pamper them beyond our means..provide them nutritious food and clothes(not the designer ones), but once they grow up, let them be free....if you have given them good values they will be an asset to everyone not only to you.

Lies..lies everywhere.....

In our life we always state that we want fair dealings everywhere, merit should be the only criteria, but when it comes to our family why do we become blind?

Come mother's day and you would find everyone..specially the girls writing..my mom is best, she is a great mother, wife, bahu etc etc..now tell me I can say for my mother that she is a good mother to me, but how can i say the same thing for being good wife, bahu etc..thats for those who are related for them to see and acknowledge...

A husband whose wife hardly can do anything, telling everybody..oh she is so good in this and that, is doing so much.

Another one whose wife shops relentlessly says..she never buys anything for herself...

another one whose wife has done the most for his family, claiming that she hasnt done anything for his family...

Then there is this person whose mother is the most self centred person one could see..is always saying..my mother sacrificed everything for others, she is the most selfless person..

And there are many more people who have such grand notions about themselves..

One who can hardly lift a finger claiming .she is the most hard working person..

Another one who cant miss a single party,outings, always leaving her children behind, taken their education also very lightly.... but saying that she is the most caring mother and wife..

Hellooooooooooo....All of you may be blind, but why do you think that others who are listening to these lies are also blind..They can see...

If we want the world to be fair, first we have to become fair in our thoughts and dealings...We must love our near and dear ones, but we cant claim them to be righteous if they are not.

Is it true?

Yesterday i was reading Neetu Singh's interview.At one place she says that her daughter has learned everything from her behaviour like how she behaved with her MIL....

Now I know  some girls who...

Always give only spoiled food to their MIL and sometime dont want to give even that, whereas themselves they feast all the time..

Some always humiliate and insult their MILs even if they are always doing something for them..

some are downright rude and lazy

Some dont care for their husbands even...

So can we think that their mothers would be like that and since they have seen that atmosphere like that in their family, they are doing it.Earlier i had a strong conviction that if you want a good girl in your family then see how her mother is..but not any more..Because if there are 3-4 sisters, they are all different..so parents make a difference, but there are certain habits which are individual's...
Today in so many things my daughter says she is like me or she has learned it from me, but even then, I cant take credit for her perfect nature.

But it is also true that she brings me lot of appreciation wherever she goes or from her inlaws even..and I feel lucky to be a mother to such daughter....and feel sad for those who have brought up the girls above..in their zeal to bring equality and pampering to girls, they forgot to make them a good human being , or a woman even, because to me being a woman means..caring sharing, being compassionate....

I ME MYSELF

I have a big grouse against today's  women's magazine.Especially English one, though all other like Hindi ones are also catching up fast. On the face they claim to be of substance and giving the women information, and an identity. But they are full of advice only on cosmetics, jewellery,clothes and many more consumer items.Issue after issue they keep on reinventing the same ideas again and again. Seems to be a catalogue of latest in fashion and gadgets. and their agony aunts column are really an eye opener.As an agony aunt, I have seen that except Pooja Bedi, all others  look like they are enjoying other's troubles and instead of finishing trouble..finish the person.And all the magazines follow the same agenda, if in a month Malaika is hot, then she would be there in all the magazines.Any discerning reader can see that in one issue they write about how shopping is therapeutic and in the next issue they will bring out an article about why not to do shopping. Sometimes in the same issue there are two contradictory articles.But always an excess of blushers,creams,chappals,bags and watches.
These things are important in life and a part of life, but they cant be a life.


Grooming is good to enhance the personality, but for that there should be a personality first. And for a good personality one needs education and moral values and virtues need to be taught.Like they say that bad things appeal to us instantly , but for the good things to appeal, first we have to make the environment conducive to that and it takes time.

They always tell the reader to think about self only, everything comes later. It is good to look after self interest and self,,even our scriptures also that that tolerating injustice is akin to doing it, but it is always better to take into consideration the well being of our family , then our society and then our country.Nobody can be a world in himself..one needs people, society to live...and for that we need to make a good society and that can be made by being good to others..

Its neigh impossible to always do what You want and still keep ur family happy,like I can give examples of very small things,
I may enjoy sleeping late, but if I have school going children, I cant do that. and if I do that I would be neglecting my duties. And we must always learn this---- rights only come after duties.

Most of the publications are following western formats and their ideology, completely forgetting that west is not happy, they may have lot of luxury and facilities but not any family values like we had. in the name of progress why are we destroying good things of our culture. because for us......
family means ----
spending sleepless nights when children are sick
giving the best to our children , even at the cost of compromising lifestyle.
waiting for our spouses to come and have dinner together,( not eating whenever
u feel like ).this point is debatable..i believe in that many may not...:)
sometimes forgoing your parties and going out due to small kids.
adjusting our vacation plans and outings because we have our elders with us.

And believe me the enjoyment and satisfaction of giving up something for our family far exceeds than living for self, just try it for sometime.and see, there is more romance in doing something for yourr spouse or taking care of his/her likings and disliking than just celebrating a valentine in a year.

OLD AGE

Whenever I see the posts on old parents, old age homes and the people's comment..he is a good son, or he is a bad son...all being judgemental without even knowing the circumstances and problems of the young people....I feel like saying something with real experience...

I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws  who are financially dependent  on you?..live with them life long...with repsect and care?

Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions  and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.

Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..

I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens(me almost), though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...

Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..

Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..

Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...

Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and  have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....

Maid Woes

Getting a good domestic help is a big blessing of god, though I consider myself lucky that I have never been left in a lurch...but then never something too satisfactory even..some of my acquaintances keep saying that they wouldnt change their flat because they have got a perfect maid...perfect is too much and dont why coming too much in my posts:)..will have to take care..nothing is ever perfect...

I had this one who was good, talked to the point and regular too and I really cared for her, but then one fine day she traded me for her other employer's convenience, and forgot all I did:(..I still feel like asking her why....

Then there was another one  who was good in work, but demanded lot of things, but it was fine with me, then she started taking lot of leave, and once I deducted from her pay, then she came with a story that her daughter had some problem in brain and needed an MRI, I gave her 500/...and after that saw her no more....:)

In between there were some inconsequential ones...

Then I had this one who cooked for me,just a passable fare with no intention of learning anything...but whenever I went away she took care of everything..I mean all other work also if the other one was absent..that was quite important, as my MIL is very old and my hubby thought of her very considerate..but then she always took three times the money from me when I came back.unfortunately she had a fracture, and I couldnt get anybody for temporary job, so had to employ a new one, as I couldnt manage 2 months, earlier her husband had heart attack then I had managed for 20 days ...and helped her with some money too...this time too I gave her some money but couldnt keep her job...
In similar situation what should be done, because I feel guilty...of not supporting her in hours of her need..

This one was very intelligent, understood everything very fast and worked well, but she was very irregular in her timings and took too many leave and then sometimes at a time 10 days too, which is too much to adjust. She charged reasonably though but always wanted  6 months salary in advance.Since I am not a person who will ask everyday for every work and supervise, she suited me very well..I helped her a lot in everything but then she thought of me as a naive person and started taking advantage of me and left...

She is very regular without any leave but work is not so good and not very perceptive to my demands.She is pricey, but she is ready to do everything and some extra work also and knows cooking too, top of that good in Hindi.But one thing pinches me that she is charging 500/ extra from me for the same work that she is doing in other houses, and still puts in less time in my place than others..

One thing exasperates me here when I come to know that helpers think that north Indians pay easily and have lot of money, so they always demand more from us and always want to exploit us...its a pathetic thinking....

what to do..could anyone help me?

Perspective

There is this perfect  joint family..atleast outsiders seem to think so..parents and  children living together in harmony..

whenever other parents see them they say...Their children are so respectful, so hard working..they are so lucky to have such children in today's times,and their DILs, so respectful and always asking them and looking after them so lovingly...(big sigh)...Here mine..she is so lazy and extravagant with no respect for elders....

Whenever the young people see them, they say....what a liberal family, their parents are so supporting and understanding, they dont interfere at all,..ek hamaare hain...They are always sitting on our head, asking everything, demanding so much that we have no time for our selves...:(

Its only perspective , we see what we want to see...

A perfect family can never be made by either parents or children , it has to be joint effort.
Parents should try to be as independent as possible and should'nt try to know and interfere in every little detail of their children's life....Its their life, let them live with all mistakes and all....Let them face the consequences of their actions, instead of try to warn them..they wouldnt understand...

And children should never be rude and disrespectful to their parents, if they cant do anything, they must explain and try to make them understand.And make provision for all their parent's requirements.They should treat them as part of family, not extra or burden.

Stress

Stress is the most common word today..everybody talks about it and has it and wants to lessen it.but nobody thinks about why it happens.Most of the time people attribute it to others..like the other people in their life are creating for them and adding to it. Nobody bothers to introspect and realise that most of the time stress is caused because of our behaviour..and wrong behaviour.If we dont do anything right, we get stressed , so why not do it right...but then they want temporary happiness with self gratification and invite stress in their life..

Just the other day i was talking to a young girl who felt that her stress was because of her in laws, and when I enquired a little more, I came to know that they are very accommodating, but she is very in disciplined in her life and can not run her house in normal timings, she likes to get up, eat and go out as and when the heart desires and  and since this way one cant manage   a family, stress comes.So instead of realising that stress is there because of her only, she blames her inlaws..easy escape goats.

Yesterday I saw Breakup and the fight between hero heroine is so common...husband not helping in the house, not remembering the grocery list and all that. I fail to understand why people dont communicate all this without shouting..and blaming each other.Wife must understand that husbands are human and you cant change them according to your desires in a perfect man and the same way husband must realise that sometimes they need to understand that wife also needs support and some molly cuddling even if they are tired..Most of the time couple is so wired in keeping their other relations in perfect sync that they forget to bother about their own life.

Change yourself instead of changing the world or wishing others to be perfect, try to perfect your self..

SOME NEWS

Today I saw the paper and two news totally crushed me..

First..a child was given IV fluid infected with insects and mosquitoes in Cuttack in a premiere hospital. And when his father complained nobody took notice immediately and he had to remove it himself and now hospital authorities will take action only when reports are filed.....:(:(..very sad situation, whats happening....Here its not the lack of money but ethics, a commitment to your profession and integrity is lacking.Even in a developing country we can  have the shortage of anything but incidents like this show that we have shortage of humans..or people who are normal..means people who justify their salaries or work honestly in their job...we lack in those quarters.


Next was...a techie committed suicide, he married without his parent's consent and so his parents told all their relatives that their son has gone to Australia, then his wife posted wedding pictures on FB, all relatives saw and bombarded them with their queries, so they asked him to ask his wife to remove, but she didnt saying that it wasn't wrong....and a young life was wasted..what for...
And here if the girl had done it, her family would have blamed the boy and her family and she herself would have left some letter or something blaming them, but here the boy had written saying..nobody is responsible for his action..which is true..Nobody is responsible for adult's actions..He should have divorced or sorted out whatever....


I always feel that marriage is THE most important decision of every one's life and should be taken  with lot of thinking....People should give more importance to similar values, life style and family background then to mutual attraction

Instead of asking each other about hobbies, favourite books, movies or tourist destinations, they should ask what each other's expectations are from marriage, what they can do for each other and what they wont.what are their limits....yes its very important, though its not a guarantee but a precaution.

Now a days everybody decries dowry, inlaws and men but my experience says....

Most of the girls dont want their parents to give dowry and disrespect their inlaws if they take, BUT I am yet to see a girl value her inlaws and give them respect, if they didnt take dowry voluntarily.....

I used to be idealistic and think that financial status should nt have any consideration in marriages, but I have seen that if the girl is marrying higher in a more affluent family then her parents,, she gets more arrogant and uncompromising then the girls from affluent  families.

so i think that for a harmonious family, one should marry  a girl from a similar financial back ground and similar values too.Earlier in our families elders used to say that they will marry their sons only with familiar and similar families and youngsters used to feel its all because of money.No it is seen that people with similar background are more compatible and marrying without family's consent brings lot of stress in life, so take it only if both of you are strong enough to bear it.

100000 PAGE VIEWS

Today i have completed 100000 page views, though its not big thing as I have been blogging for a long time, but for me it is morale boosting, as I dont have any peer group or cast group or any personal friends on blogging, who come to see me. I have got all the readers through my posts only.

Yesterday was karvachauth, which we celebrate with love and when today i saw net, found many who ridicule the idea.I really wonder..
When we celebrate Valentine day with so much pomposity, do the people really love each other all that much, I dont think west is happier than east.
When we celebrate mother's day or father's day, do we really start caring about parents more, rather it is west where parents are left to fend for themselves in the old age.
So when we celebrate something Indian why so many people want to blast it in the name of equality.Whats wrong with some one doing something for someone they love?..just tell me....Do everyday we do everything for the return only, or for everything we ask what other is doing for us..and if thats so , then its not love, its a barter system..
Already most of the traditions are loosing their charm for this generation, whatever is left, we must do, this is our culture, our roots.This tradition also attracts the young people because its about enjoying, celebrating with good clothes, jewellery, gifts and lot of fun, fasting is only a small part of it....Its a festival of bonding,bonding in the new family for girls....MILS give their DIL sagri,and  sari,jewellery( whatever they can afford and want to), and then DILs give gift to their MIL and husband pampers his wife..so its all bon homie..now a days not many go for nirjal fast, its only a fast.

Every culture has some traditions and they do it, some for fun, some for just like that..what is the logic of Halloween?..but we like that and bringing it her also, no problem, more the merrier, but dont ridicule your own festivals...everything doesnt need to be..whyyyyyyyyy.....

"We are living in a world today

where lemonade is made from artificial flavors

and furniture polish is made from real lemons."

~Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine)~ 

What are we doing...

Just now I went out in the balcony to get some fresh air. In our building there is a children's play area dotted with sand,complete with swings,slide and all. And what I see there---five little girls playing with the sand,making houses, doing pooja,one girl cooking, other shouting-we need laddoos for prasadam.
Now these girls dont belong to any uneducated or lower class, they all come from highly educated parents and they are not told to play these games only, but they are choosing it on their own. These girls are not traditionally dressed but in modern clothes-jeans,skirts,lowers and all. so what it is that makes the girl naturally inclined to be a homemaker? It is their natural instinct given to them by god to make a home, to nurture the world, and here we are trying to reverse the nature.Why...............? Will the food made by a boy will be better ,healthier or more appetising? Or the money earned by the women will bring more prosperity and happiness to the family? What is it we are craving for?

All this started with the suppression and domination of woman and now it has changed into a lopsided thought process. Its true that economic independence makes them truely independent, but the real independence comes from the mind. If the man is progressive, then the woman will get equality irrespective of whether they are earning or not. Havent we heard of many well earning women suffering in the hands of inlaws,husbands? Even in old times there were families where inside the house lady was the head, actually the domain were divided between man and woman.

So the need today is for the mothers to teach their sons to respect the female gender and consider them equal, not to teach their daughters to be unwomanlike or be like a man.n trying to be like a man they are accepting that they are inferior to man, whereas god has made them superior