Whenever I see the posts on old parents, old age homes and the people's comment..he is a good son, or he is a bad son...all being judgemental without even knowing the circumstances and problems of the young people....I feel like saying something with real experience...
I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws who are financially dependent on you?..live with them life long...with repsect and care?
Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.
Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..
I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens(me almost), though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...
Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..
Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..
Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...
Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....
I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws who are financially dependent on you?..live with them life long...with repsect and care?
Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.
Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..
I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens(me almost), though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...
Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..
Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..
Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...
Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....
20 comments:
very thoughtful post
old age is the truth but now one wants to think about that and just become judgmental
what we do to parents it will come back with interest from kids
Well, strong sentiments there!
I would actually love to have an elder around in my house. I pine for a grandma or grandpa; but both expired.
I agree on financial bit; the elders should always keep a back-up.
I wonder about parents who don't have a son. Are son-in-laws ready to accept them, the way we expect women to care after her in-laws?
Agree with you 100%.
True...
Thought provoking indeed! I do agree with your sentiments. However I believe that the kind of approach to the aged and infirm grand parents will differ from person to person. And there may not be any one right answer!
Thanks and regards!
This is a very apt and honest post. I concur with you totally. And i really appreciate the honesty and integrity with which you have expressed your feelings. Realising how you feel and accepting them is half the journey. Its good that you do not have denial of any facts and are so attuned to how you feel.
Hope you have the strength to go through everything with this frankness.
A very very nice post indeed.
Agree with your arguments. But tell me how do you put children ( sons or daughters or both) who vanish after leaving their aged parent in a distant train station or bus station and these days in busy temple towns and pilgrim centers?
sm: and what parents do to the children comes back to them:)
sweetyshinde: everybody loves grandparents.even I did...because it were my parents who did everything and I took all the pampering and love..
But let the day come when you are the person who take the responsibility and then if you do it well, I will salute you..
SG: Thank you !
Praheeth:welcome here and hope to see you more..
Dilip: right sir..there may not be rightanswers, but there are right values in life and character..
Amrita: you know me..I dont like to get friendly with people without values..not even for the sake of comments or anything:)
Anilkurup; I cant judge them because I dont know their circumstances because..
if one has to choose between looking after children or parents..what will one do?
May be their parents exploited them and they may not be saint..so..
I have seen many parents taking from one child and giving to the other one...
I was impressed by the bluntness of your comment on this subject on kparthas.blogspot.in
Just yesterday, I realised that I've seen hardly any meaningful, contrary comments on blogs. Everybody seems to agree with the blogger, in fact sometimes I wonder if the commenter has read the full post before posting a general comment. Believe me, I was thrilled when I read your comment.
I generally agree with the thoughts and sentiments articulated by you in this post, particularly the part about people being judgemental about how other people treat their parents.
You may like to read my today's post Matrudevo bhava (Mother is God) on a similar subject.
Renu, I love your honesty in this post so much. Seriously, hats off to you for the sacrifices you have made. I think putting money away for retirement is a must, you never know who or who won't be there for you as an elderly person in the future. I really hope you can reach your dreams.
proactiveindian:...:).I am very straightforward person..and i dont blog for comments or satisfying my ego:)
I am happy to see you because I like to see truth..even if its contrary to my writing, I dont dislike dissent..no it excites me:)
Read both the above posts and very soon you will see my thoughts on that on my blog..
Chaiacupoflife: Thanks Amelia..today many parents have money, but not the open mind to let children live their life in their own way or give them space..but yes financial independence is a must...
I think its best to stay away.. have a peaceful life away from children/parents if you are unable to adjust.
Thanks for visiting my blog :)
This is a very thought provoking post, Renu and loved your honesty in this.
i agree with most of what you have said. But i would also like to add, it is not just the parents who are dependant on children. There are many families where children use their parents like nanny and governess. more so where both couples work. I see many senior citizens around me who like to be left alone. Everytime they are summoned to US ( or for that matter any place) They prefer not to go. they find it convenient to stay alone or as a couple and fend for themselves.
Hoenstly, i feel retirement homes is the answer to such problems, there is nothing wrong with retired peoples condominium which is on the rise. ( not old age home, where people are dumped)
Richa: welcome here Richa!..That is always the option:)..may be the last one.
Asha:Thanks Asha!..yeah i forgot to add their woes..thanks for reminding me..I dont know why parents let the children take advantage of them...
Now we must change the names..senior citizen resort:)..anything we do, we must not give it a bad reputation and shouldnt reflect on children..
I agree with you in all points.
We have been brought up to respect the elders, and be helpful and learn from their wisdom.
No girl is going into a new hoe with the idea of breaking the family. However, it is mostly the MIL who is the real culprit, for instead of treating the girl as her own daughter, and appreciating her willingness to learn, she starts abusing her verbally, mentally, and turning her against the joint family system(these joint family means living with just the in laws
And when they become old and have, they expect to be looked after,and also expect the lady to adjust to all her whims and fancies.
Some of them don't seem to change at all till the end of their lives. And they continue to live so long with the help of all these modern medicines.'
Any relationship can work only if both parties are sincere for one person cannot be left to sacrifice all the time.
However, we are much better off then our In laws, for we know to adjust and we like to live and let live.
Rama: True no girl goes...but today girls cant tolerate inlaws at all..whatevr happened to the girls in 80's today its happening to MILs, neither that was good, nor its ok..
we have to find a middle way..
Nice to read another frank and honest post from you Renu.
I somehow don't agree when someone said MILs are the biggest culprits. Today's DILs also have a minimal amount of flexibility in their mind when it comes to the in-laws. I also strongly feel that the MILs on the other side of the partition, the mother of today's DILs, play an equally detrimental role by teaching more about independence and freedom, more about rights. What they forget teaching is that with more rights, come more responsibilities.
Ruminating optimist: Thanks !..Even i dont agree and I have written already too many posts about it..todays mothers are bringing up tyrant and lazy daughters in the garb of independence and equality..
and I have seen many families being destroyed by such young fools..
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