Monday, March 1, 2021

Old age a blessing or

 Whenever I see people wishing old people many more years, I really wonder if they are really that naive to think that more years are blessings or Am I too skeptical..

Because I don’t think or see many people looking after their old parents or restricting their life. I know it first hand.I have been looking after my mother-in-law forever and know how many compromises are needed, my children never had a room of their own, my finances were always stretched to the best . And myself and my husband couldn’t go to see even our children together for last 15 years,.and we see our life ending like that.. she is still here, though invalid and living like a vegetable, we have to give her bath food everything. She is 101 and my hubby 72 and it’s very difficult situation for him to be in. Now all his other siblings who wanted my MIL to live a long life and suggested all sort of things have just become indifferent and gone their own way, leaving us with the mess.

So I really feel that we must think about it, not that wishing makes anyone live long, but why wish something which brings misery to all.

And secondly before reaching 60, retiring age, if parents are alive, all siblings should get together and collectively decide who will take care of what and how. 

I always feel that any age is good if one is able to do one’ daily chores, beyond that nothing is blessing, only a curse. And we should wish a happy time and good health not years to anyone beyond 75.

What do you think?

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

East or West

 Today on Twitter I saw few deriding west and all that . I don’t agree that everything in west is bad and here everything is all hunky dory in families. Good and bad people are everywhere.. and certain ways of doing things are different.

Good things which I like about western culture..

Individuality is encouraged, one is given lot of choices in everything. And independence is cultivated. And it is taught from the very beginning the concept of give and take, like if someone is kind to you, you also return it in some way and in very small small things.

children leave home early and make their own life, so they don’t feel obligation to look after parents but in general most of them care and do.

What I don’t want us to emulate is 

They give too much freedom to adolescents and too much exposure to sex, teenage pregnancies are biggest problem in any society. I feel that one should do only when one can take the consequences.otherwise whole life goes for a toss and a dysfunctional generation is born.

Secondly marriages shouldn’t be taken lightly, never marry in haste and repent at leisure. And divorce shouldn’t be a first option if you have kids ,multiple marriages and kids from that bring so many negative influences. I would advise not to marry unless you have patience to compromise.or don’t have children in multiple marriages.

In India basically our culture is good and very selfless but it has its own problem. Because however we may adulate parents, they are not very fair and impartial. Of course they look after children selfless ly in childhood( though not all parents do even that) they take their pound of flesh with their grown up children.Our society  puts lot of pressure on children to take care of their parents financially, emotionally and physically and here I differ, I feel it’s a two way street, where parents should also get down from their high chair and be nice to their son family and they also have equal responsibility to make others happy.

I see many parents who want to run everything their own way , if they are living together. They must take retirement from active participation in everything.


Thursday, September 3, 2020

SHTISEL

 This is an Israeli series on Netflix, it was recommended by my dear friend Amrita. Initially I didn’t like it much but then it grows on you. It has 2 seasons of 12 episode each. It’s the story of ultra orthodox people who have their own ways of living. Like hair style, dress.. (all married women wear a sort of cap to cover their hairs),their own education and laws.

Instead of whole story , I would like to point out what I liked and disliked in any character.

Shulem shtisel is a widower and teacher who becomes principal later there. He enjoys food, so whenever any widow shares it with him, he is more than happy but doesn’t want to commit in relationship and in the end when he commits to one Menukha , she is very dominating and the way he cancels it , I liked it. He is looking forward fir his son to find a mate.His is such a normal character, a man who looks for company , but still reminisces about his dead wife, cares for his children  to the extent that interferes in their life to their chagrin. He is conservative and rigid in his attitude.

Akiva shtisel.. son of shulem.. initially he comes across a little bumbling person who is drifting here and there. He is an artist, goes to a meeting arranged to find a bride,and just because that girl cries he says yes, but later tells the truth. Then falls in love with a widowed mother of a child, persues here relentlessly, gets engaged but his father puts an end to this when he comes to know that that lady is presently not interested in marriage. In the last he meets his cousin Libbi and finds love,her father puts conditions and he accepts everything, even putting a stop to his passion painting. He redeems his character when towards the end he realised that one should be loved the way one is and Libbi also realised the manipulation’s of his father.Michael Aloni has played the part of Akiva very well,very lovable.

Then there is Giti daughter If shulem married to Lippe Weiss, who leaves her for another woman but later regrets and comes back. She initially wants him to come back but later resents.Their daughter Ruchami goes and gets married to a poor studious boy who is initially rejected by her family but later accepted.

One thing I find different is that these people are ok with having so many children like Giti has 6. And marrying at any age is considered normal for both man and woman.. They have computers but watching TV is considered bad.


Tuesday, September 1, 2020

The Top Ten Myths of Marriage


==============================

1. Marriage benefits men much more than women.

Contrary to earlier and widely publicized reports, recent
research finds men and women to benefit about equally from
marriage, although in different ways. Both men and women live
longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are
married. Husbands typically gain greater health benefits while
wives gain greater financial advantages.


2. Having children typically brings a married couple closer
together and increases marital happiness.

Many studies have shown that the arrival of the first baby
commonly has the effect of pushing the mother and father farther
apart, and bringing stress to the marriage. However, couples
with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than
childless couples.


3. The keys to long-term marital success are good luck and
romantic love.

Rather than luck and love, the most common reasons couples give
for their long-term marital success are commitment and
companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has
taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to
the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends
who share lives and are compatible in interests and values.


4. The more educated a woman becomes, the lower are her chances
of getting married.

A recent study based on marriage rates in the mid-1990s
concluded that today's women college graduates are more likely
to marry than their non-college peers, despite their older age
at first marriage. This is a change from the past, when women
with more education were less likely to marry.


5. Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able
to test how well suited they are for each other, have more
satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not.

Many studies have found that those who live together before
marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably
higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that
people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more
likely to call it quits when problems arise. But in addition,
the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make
happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent
study, for example, suggest "there may be less motivation for
cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and
support skills." (One important exception: cohabiting couples
who are already planning to marry each other in the near future
have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who
don't live together before marriage).


6. People can't be expected to stay in a marriage for a lifetime
as they did in the past because we live so much longer today.

Unless our comparison goes back a hundred years, there is no
basis for this belief. The enormous increase in longevity is due
mainly to a steep reduction in infant mortality. And while
adults today can expect to live a little longer than their
grandparents, they also marry at a later age. The life span of a
typical, divorce-free marriage, therefore, has not changed much
in the past fifty years. Also, many couples call it quits long
before they get to a significant anniversary: half of all
divorces take place by the seventh year of a marriage.


7. Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence
than if she remains single.

Contrary to the proposition that for men "a marriage license is
a hitting license," a large body of research shows that being
unmarried-and especially living with a man outside of marriage-
is associated with a considerably higher risk of domestic
violence for women. One reason for this finding is that married
women may significantly underreport domestic violence. Further,
women are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce a man
who is violent. Yet it is probably also the case that married
men are less likely to commit domestic violence because they are
more invested in their wives' wellbeing, and more integrated
into the extended family and community. These social forces seem
to help check men's violent behavior.


8. Married people have less satisfying sex lives, and less sex,
than single people.

According to a large-scale national study, married people have
both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts.
Not only do they have sex more often but they enjoy it more,
both physically and emotionally.


9. Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without "the piece of
paper."

Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits-in physical
health, wealth, and emotional wellbeing-that marriage does. In
terms of these benefits cohabitants in the United States more
closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due, in
part, to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed
as married couples, and they are more oriented toward their own
personal autonomy and less to the wellbeing of their partner.


10. Because of the high divorce rate, which weeds out the
unhappy marriages, people who stay married have happier
marriages than people did in the past when everyone stuck it
out, no matter how bad the marriage.

According to what people have reported in several large national
surveys, the general level of happiness in marriages has not
increased and probably has declined slightly. Some studies have
found in recent marriages, compared to those of twenty or thirty
years ago, significantly more work-related stress, more marital
conflict and less marital interaction.10


~From the National(US)Marriage Project's Ten Things to Know Series~
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/tenthingsseries.html

Friday, August 7, 2020

Covid lessons

 This covid situation has changed so many of my lifetime beliefs and I have come to understand that nothing is permanent. Few of my convictions that changed..

I firmly believed in living independently and anywhere in the country, not going to your home state back. But the way I feel the helplessness without my children near is epic and I realised that one hasin this situation being senior citizen we can’t go out to get any essential item, medical help is also not easily accessible available and maids are not allowed. All these restrictions have made life so insipid and frustrating, feels like not alive any more.

Second thing I realised that today friends are only there for fun time. In this initially everyone was so scared, still is and nobody bothered about others, it was our employees only who helped us. So looking for anddepending on friends is also useless, better live near your siblings. Then one has some moral and physical support and that is possible only if you go back to your home state.

Then it is also important to have a good governance in your state. Initially we had no facilities for getting essentials at our home, whereas in some states govt was looking after that very efficiently 

What do you think?

Thursday, July 23, 2020

Kara Para Ask

With this lockdown I was looking for some good series to watch and found this on Netflix. It’s a turkish series with English subtitles. It’s a story about a wealthy family engaged in money laundering and a police officer whose son in life is to find and punish criminals.Hero is Engin Akurek and heroine is Tuba bukustan. Both have done a exemplary job, they look enchanting and acting is also very good. I enjoy seeing the scenery of Istanbul and a different culture. Engin has a mesmerising personality and charm, if I was young I would have fallen for him hook line and sinker. I am really enjoying the show and it is quite long so happy watching.

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Thappad

Recently I saw Thappad and realised why it flopped. It starts with a promise , like we see a happy family of husband wife mother in a upper class background. Wife ( Tapsee pannu ) is shown as a good home maker and loving daughter in law , she manages the home with the help of a maid who does everything. Husband is an ambitious hard working man looking for a promotion. So far so good and then they host a party where everyone is enjoying and suddenly one senior gives him the need that somebody else is being given the promotion and his switch is off. He manhandles that person, and when his wife tries to take him wmaway forcibly, he gives a Thappad.. and bus wife is stunned, gets quiet and ultimately wants divorce.
Now this was quite outrageous ., agree he was wrong but no discussion, no understanding, even after her husband makes multiple efforts to bring her home, she is adamant and on top of that she says.. I don’t love you., does one stops loving like that? Her husband is not shown to be any rude or angry person.. just one incident and she wants to break her home even after she learns that she is pregnant.
Not only this but by multiple characters it is shown that men are always wrong and women always sacrifice., this men bashing tone is so ouvert  that it doesn’t gel.. there is no variety, just pick a maid and show her husband beating her, her mother stops singing.. sacrifice for family, her mother in law also keeps calling names to her husband and so so much do that even brother is asking his wife not to interfere and he is asked to apologise to wife and all the men are always sorry.,and I feel sorry for the women who can’t respect others..
Breaking is very easy.. effort lies in making a home, and just one mistake doesn’t and shouldn’t make someone pariah.. families are not built like that.And in life nobody gets everything, one has to adjust and accept as her husband says that thought he was foodie , still he married he who can’t cook.
One more draw back is the choice of heroine.. Tapsee looks so uncomfortable in the role, in the aftermath she is acting like a zombie.Her anger is not justified anywhere.
I wish our film industry stops being partisan and encourages family values, family is very important for kids.

Old age a blessing or

 Whenever I see people wishing old people many more years, I really wonder if they are really that naive to think that more years are blessi...