Thursday, April 13, 2017

parents and responsibilities

Whenever I see the posts on old parents, old age homes and the people's comment..he is a good son, or he is a bad son...all being judgmental without even knowing the circumstances and problems of the young people....I feel like saying something with real experience...
I want to ask all the young girls who become idealistic..how many of them are ready to live with their in laws and look after them..inlaws who are financially dependent on you?..live with them life long...with respect and care?
Not many will be amiable to do so..Looking after parents means sharing your money,time, and all other resources, making changes in your life style and having many restrictions and sometimes forgoing your dreams too or changing their direction.
Its so easy to brand the children specially sons,..... but I know the pains and travails of the children who do so..because I have been doing it..and here are inlaws who were not even good to the same DILs and did all they could to make their life uncomfortable and miserable, but when their time comes they and the world with them wants the sons to look after them, pamper them etc etc..why? and make the children feel guilty..
I refuse to have such beliefs..I have been looking after my MIL even now when we ourselves are senior citizens, though she was never good to me but I take care of her to the best of my capabilities because thats what is taught to us....but today I resent her presence in my life because I am at the fag end of life and cant wait to live it..and I refuse to feel guilty for such feelings...
Its the duty of parents also to see that they dont misbehave with the girls they are to live later on...secondly they should always maintain one place where they can retreat for some time, it will rejuvenate both them and children...Dependent parents should also learn to adjust...and whatever they can, they should do to bring comfort to their children.They shouldnt always think about themselves only..
Many parents who are not financially sound will say , when we have nothing what can we do..but money is not the only thing you can give, you have a heart..make it loving, care for your children..dil se...and help them with their work..make a place in their heart...but nobody will do that, they want to be accepted for what they are, but want children to change for them..
Wherever parents are wealthy,they should never give all the wealth to their children..no.. keep it with you, make a will....let them make their life on their own...they will learn the values in life...
Its all in the mind..once you start thinking positively,you can make your life yourself...whether its parents or children..and I dont ever want anyone to stop living because of me....If I am lacking in physical strength or financial independence, the repercussions should be 80% on me and 20% on children,not the vice versa...If I am physically semi independent or dependent, and have money I must keep a care giver to look after me and my personal idiosyncrasies , and If I cant afford,I must accept the situation and make peace..same for finances, if I am financially dependent, I must learn not to demand anything, or very little and the same set of values go for children and everyone...Its called living life to the best of your capabilities.....

12 comments:

Sandhya said...

You have expressed yourself very well, Renu! We must not trouble our children. Give & take should be there on both sides. In this fast life when both son, daughter in law or daughter son in law are working, their life also will be hectic. Parents should do best to not trouble them if not help them.

Yes, we should always keep whatever money we have, for our old age. Everything can go to them after we leave this world.

Rama Ananth said...

I totally agree with all your points. In laws who didn't have the basic decency to be good to people who are after all family have no right to expect them to be looked after, in their later years, and that too giving to their whims and fancies all the time. Good relationships are made at the very , and as they age they must adjust to the situation, just the way they expected us to adjust with them during our younger days.
However, I think those days are over more or less, for our generation can only be loving, friendly and helpful in every way to our daughter in laws. Neither do we need to depend on them nor do they have to depend on us.

Sujatha Sathya said...

it is sad and really hard. it takes a toll on all

Renu said...

Sandhya: I rarely see a family living happily, if they are living together, whereas it can be a symbiotic relationship.

Rama: yes but in so many homes tables have turned in opposite way also.

Sujatha Sathya: The irony is that it can be so much better, but no one tries to understand other.

Irfanuddin said...

HHmmm...I think you are right, it's always very easy to be judgmental on others without even knowing how it will be when it comes to ourselves...moreover, in any relationship it's all about mutual understanding and sacrifices for each others....

Well written post :)

Ruminating Optimist said...

So true Renu ji. We can see so many examples of misplaced priorities around us. While it is imperative for the dependent parents to be mindful of the needs of the next generation, it is also equally important for the next generation to be little accommodative towards the constraints of the earlier generation. Every relationship needs to be given its space, and sufficient opportunities to flourish. We see so many people being so impatient with the parents, that relationships turn near-permanently sour even if there is a minor misunderstanding which can be corrected with some patience.

sm said...

very well written thoughtful
one needs to remember that everyone is going to become old if today we care for old people tomorrow someone will care for us when become old.
Jasi Karni Wasi Bharni

J P Joshi said...

Very valid points. I believe there is no one way to live life. We are here on a temporary visa to learn life's lessons; each situation in life teaches us different lessons.

When we are young we don't like old parents around us, we want to be free to explore new friends/ places/ ideas, etc. We want to give our all to our offsprings - financially, emotionally, attention wise, physically, and in every which way. I know parents who build huge houses so that their offsprings will stay with them, even after marriage, while they themselves live away from their own parents. How can one then expect the situation to change in their own life.

As we age we want the attention and care from our offsprings, whom we feel we have given the same in abundance. Life is a full circle; what goes around comes around. I believe that one has to do their part and not expect any thing in return.

The problem is the 'expecting' part. If you do not expect after doing, then in case it comes back to you it will give you joy; if not, you never expected it, is what I believe. Neki kar kuaen mein daal, is a very famous Hindi saying.

Shilpa Chandrasekheran said...

This doesn't have an answer
Keeps changing

Renu said...

Irfanuddin:good to see you back.

Thanks for appreciating !..

Ruminating optimist: very true..today nody wants to give time to anything like relationships.

sm:yes .I too believe in karma...but so many times old people also create hell for their children with their whims and demands.

JP: you are right..I see many people who nevr cared for their inlaws but today they demand the best from their children, same way many women who fully exploited their DILS but today they want those ones to love and look after them.

Shilpa: Only answer is fulfill your duty and move on..

hellen said...

I hope as a mother-in-law soon to be I will set a good example

Violet M said...

thanks for the advice. http://estates.uonbi.ac.ke/