Friday, February 26, 2010

What is in surname

Recently i read a case where the divorced wife continue to use husband's name despite the prohibiting orders and she was taken to court for that by her inlaws and husband and one more case where a celebrity has been legally prohibited from using the famous surname and both these cases reminde me of my old post about surnames..and it seems that its the ordinary mortals of the category.of husbands who are put to this...... individuality and keeping parents name and all that, but wherever the husbands are big names, none of the girls have any qualms in using their surname, or should I say want to use it purposely.........

Recently my MIl has been sick, and though she is 90 years, but she hasnt taken much antibiotics or allopathic medicines in her life and what a ruckus she creates when she has to take them. And i realised what all precautions one has to take when en elderly person lives with you like..

There shouldnt be any water anywhere on the floor...for the fear that she may slip.

Every two hours she may need something, so I need to be on my toes all the time.

All the BF and lunch and dinner should be prepared in time , so as to give her and no short cuts will do.

And then there are few things doctor doesnt allow to eat, and what is good for her she doesnt like, so its an uphill task for me to manage the food variety.

And till she is competely well, i dont have any personal life, as I cant go anywhere..I have to devote all the time to her.

And all this has made me feel so scared that one day may be I will also be in a similar situation,.and what will happen...But then we can only accept what god give us at every step of life.we have nothing in our hands, except our karma..that only we can do....and its not a simple mathematics of give and take......I may pamper my DIL silly and love her , but I will get respect and love from her is not necessary.....The only thing I can believe in is God..he always looks after us..and gives us what we deserve..may be if we get disrespect from someone, or dont get respect and love, inspite of we doing our best,then it is His way of telling us that ..see this person is not worth it, dont get carried away with love...He always gives us signals, its we only who fail to recognise.

today girls, have a very low threshold for inlaws..leave aside not going anywhere, they may not even like to tell where they are going and when they will be back.....and my MIL was a very tradional MIL of her times who thought that DIL have only duties and no rights..so its not that she has done a lot for me and so I am doing a lot for her...I clarified it only because otherwise many girls will say that she may not have exploited you or behaved badly thats why you are doing all that for her..but she has done all:)

And this incident has brought a very subtle change in my thinking also. My daughter awlays used to say that this society should change to a matriarchial one and parents should live with daughters, but I never wanted that.myriads of reasons for that and I can do a separate post on that, but one thing I have realised that whenever one is not well, presence of a daughter can give real comfort, i may look after my MIL very well, but with daughters one has so much to share.but then my son's presence gives me so much of strength, so now I am pondering what can be the better situation for both.


Time and again I have felt the need to have some senior citizen homes, equipped with all the facilities, where people can live in dignity. Dignity Living Organisation has one such facility, but that is in Maharashtra....I would love it if something similar is available in north..if anybody comes across something please let me know..my brother keeps telling me that he wants to build an old age home , but after 10 years:)..plus his land is not in a hill station...I want to live in a cool climate.

18 comments:

manjujoglekar said...

Renu, the common viewpoint is not always true about DILs and daughters.

In our extended family I have seen both types of DILs- those who do not respect their husband's families, and those that do. Also both types of daughters- those who want to help their parents, and also those who shirk responsibilities re: their own parents.

I feel it all depends upon the person- whether he/she is a 'giver' or a 'taker'...

Renu said...

Manju: yes you are right...I see the same in my family also..but one is always aprehensive about the takers..

and my mind keeps this thinking about why's of this and how to bring awareness.

The Bald Guy said...

I seriously feel that a divorced woman should be free to chose any surname she wishes to. What's in a name anyways?
Except if it's Khan and you just made billions with a movie!

Parents should live alone. No sons, no daughters.

Seriously.

Would make this lousy country a far better place to live in.

And then Ekta Kapoor would probably suicide.

Renu said...

The Bald GUY:..Thats what i wanted to say that even girls give the importance to a name only if the husband is rich:)

PArents would love to live with children, but yes its better if they live along and for that we need to have certain infrastructure in place.

Chanz said...

Well actually, my logic says that after divorce a woman should use her maiden name but it should be totally according to her wishes if she choses to be named after her husband's family. I dont know how it really works but It should be the choice of the girl because she gave away her name at one point of time. She cannot keep changing her name every now and then..

And I also agree with the fact that if you do good for your DIL, u cannot expect the same from her. It may not necessarily depend on the her value and how she has been brought up but may also depend on her tolerance level. Maybe she really wants to do it with all her heart but is somehow uncapable of coping up with it.. you never know.. Old age home sounds good but it shouldnt be a priority. If I were old then I would want to live with my family in my last days. Obviously I wouldnt like if my family gets the burden of looking after me for even the daily chores but just to be near to them would bring a smile on ma face. And if I have been good all my life then I am sure I wont wont have to suffer in my older days.. My thought...

Renu said...

Chanz:..And if I have been good all my life then I am sure I wont wont have to suffer in my older days...you have a very good attutude and it will make your life very happy..just keep the faith.

Everyone wants to live with the family but if the circumstances make it difficult then there should be good options..thats where old age homes come.

Amrita said...

Again a thought provoking post Renu. I somehow believe in on thing of the Bhagawad Gita "karma karo phal ki aasha mat karp" Always do your duty. There is God overhead. Yes many times his moves seem unjust, many times they seem not in tandem with what we are doing, but the thats the karma we got to do. It is our duty to respect elders and we should do it no matter what. Apna side saaf rakhna chahiye so that no one blames us,, not even our conscience.

Madhu said...

Renu, Many a time we come across a few situations which make us stop, take a step back and start thinking. Old age is certainly one of the important things we think about. I am reminded of my grand-ma's words. She always used to say that it is very important to have financial independence to be able to support ourselves, even in old age. Perhaps going for private care and old age homes are less than perfect than being taken care by our own family...

but at the end of day, when there is no guarantee who will care for us, it becomes very important to have financial independence (even to the extent of getting care while really old). Your MIL is really lucky to have you as a daughter-in-law who cares for her.

PH said...

Live in present, don't worry too much about future. What has to happen will happen. I've been reading your blogs regularly it looks like you are insecure about your childrens' love towards you. Believe me any sane and normal children will always love their parents, but same can't be told about SIL or DIL, so just leave that to your destiny.

Renu said...

Amrita: we seem to think alike..yes I too have supreme faith in doing good and destiny.

Madhu: yeah financial indpenedence is a basic requirement..that I have strived from the very beginning and god has been very kind to me.

and I have realised one more thing, instead of depending completely on our progeny we must retain good relations with our siblings..to me they are the pillar of strengh.

PH:..Thanks for your sane words!..I am never insecure about my children,but not so about my DIL..and at point of life I wouldnt like to live with my children if creates strife in their life..thats why so much of thinking:)..I would have been happier if you had told me your name..but I am honored to know that you read me regularly.

A rebel all the way... said...

OMG! You stole my words. i SO want to start an old age home! Pata nahin kab lekin. :(

Renu said...

A REBEL ALL THE WAY: theek ha rebel, hamaara bhi abhi kuch pata nahi kab kuch hoga , jab hoga may be we will join hands:)..and I am surethat you would like my bro very much:)..my partner in this venture.

Hip Grandma said...

If you find an old age home in a moderate /cool climate zone please let me know. i think we have to get used to the idea sooner rather than later.

BTW you are tagged.Do take it up.

Renu said...

Hip Grand ma:..I have already found one in near Neal.matheraan..its beautiful place, but very faraway from my family memebers..thats the only minus point..and I have never taken old age homes in a negative way..to me they are better way of living..

Thanks for the tag!..will take it up very soon.

shail said...

What I have always believed and still do is that, what I do is what I would like to do from my heart, not with an eye on future returns. If I take care of my in-laws it is because I want to do so. It is not because I want my daughter in law to take care of me. That is entirely up to her. If I am destined to have the love and care from Dils and children, I will, if not, then maybe I don't deserve it and I will have to do without it.
But the love my children and DiL's may give is definitely NOT dependent on what I have done in life!! If what we get in life depends on what we do, how come little children are beaten/molested/raped?? What did they do to deserve it??
I totally believe that what we must just do what we believe in. The rest is up to the world.... or if you are religious, up to God.

Unlike the aam janta which goes all teary-eyed and full of self-pity about old age homes, I am a great supporter of it.

Renu said...

sHAIL:..You are so right..we must do what we believe in and we cant expect anything..
even I never pity the old age homes and Iw ant people to change their outlook on this..from my young age I felt the same, even today I think if managed well, they give a better life to senior citizens..today aged people are not economically dependent all the time, so the situation has changed a lot.

Reflections said...

Renu I totally agree with ur views on old age home but then u already knew this:-)

Seriously if u find any please do keep me updated...I too am keen it shd be somewhere where its not too hot and plus they shd serve biriyani every sunday;-D

Renu said...

Reflection;..with my posts I am mgenerating a consensus about old age hoes:)....see we are so many who are positive about it, why not we ourselves make it happen:) and have biryani, movie etcevery sunday:)