Just now I was reading Kanu's post and it struck a chord in me. I have also heard from many people that I am lucky to have such good children or I must have donated pearls in my last life to get such well mannered and good children, but nobody wants to see the hard work put into making them what they are. I am not denying children's own individuality and their own contribution, because parents can do that much only after that its children who have to work hard to reach there, but from my side I have also done a lot of hard work..like..
I loved my children a lot, but to me love never meant pampering only, from a very young age, I instilled in them that they couldnt buy everything, they have to choose what they want..or if it was a big item, then save fifty percent and I shall add rest and then they could get it.I worked hard to make them hard working...I firmly believe that there is one thing that scores over every other quality and gives success in life and it is..hard work...and people have this false notion that rich dont work, I have seen that they become rich only because they work harder than anybody else.....show me a single person who doesnt work and is successful....at least i dont know anyone....
No matter what, they always got their lunch dinner and BF all in time and properly, no friends, movies or party could change their schedule.I made a schedule and stuck to it.Never bothered about me time or my personal entertainment.
From the beginning they were told that a person is respected for his qualities, not for money or clothes, so gain the qualities and you will be respected, dont worry about fashionable dresses and latest gizmo.That was the time for education and character building and should be devoted to that only.And I followed this principle wholly, I never bothered about the prices of the gifts etc..given or taken.....I led them thru example...even now I dont like people who like the things with the price tag...I like to live within means.
Every day they couldnt indulge in junk food..NO..they were served healthy food only, once in a week they could eat as they liked....and for that I prepared food every day.and tried to make it tasty too.
If I denied them TV during exams, then even I also didnt see it myself, its futile to expect them not to be tempted.if we cant control ourselves.
And I never shouted in front of them, to nobody, never used foul language, or rudeness even....thats the way they know..that no one speaks rudely to elders in our family..it doesnt mean that we dont have differences in our family, they are but sort them out coolly.....thats what I like:)
I cancelled many trips and parties, as they were not convenient to my little ones, but never made any face as if my life is spoiled etc....they were my little angels and I loved them and love them now.
Still so many times I feel guilty that I could have done this and that and I didnt do enough..there was much more that could have been done.....there is never a limit to what parents can do, and should do...as in a way they make or break their children's future with their up bringing,..again I am not saying that individual's contribution is any less, but children are raw material, its upto the parents to mould them as they want....first ten years of their life are most important as they make the foundation...
Parenting is not a cakewalk...those who take a short cut always get shortchanged later in life...its only those who go a long and hard way get the fruit.
I loved my children a lot, but to me love never meant pampering only, from a very young age, I instilled in them that they couldnt buy everything, they have to choose what they want..or if it was a big item, then save fifty percent and I shall add rest and then they could get it.I worked hard to make them hard working...I firmly believe that there is one thing that scores over every other quality and gives success in life and it is..hard work...and people have this false notion that rich dont work, I have seen that they become rich only because they work harder than anybody else.....show me a single person who doesnt work and is successful....at least i dont know anyone....
No matter what, they always got their lunch dinner and BF all in time and properly, no friends, movies or party could change their schedule.I made a schedule and stuck to it.Never bothered about me time or my personal entertainment.
From the beginning they were told that a person is respected for his qualities, not for money or clothes, so gain the qualities and you will be respected, dont worry about fashionable dresses and latest gizmo.That was the time for education and character building and should be devoted to that only.And I followed this principle wholly, I never bothered about the prices of the gifts etc..given or taken.....I led them thru example...even now I dont like people who like the things with the price tag...I like to live within means.
Every day they couldnt indulge in junk food..NO..they were served healthy food only, once in a week they could eat as they liked....and for that I prepared food every day.and tried to make it tasty too.
If I denied them TV during exams, then even I also didnt see it myself, its futile to expect them not to be tempted.if we cant control ourselves.
And I never shouted in front of them, to nobody, never used foul language, or rudeness even....thats the way they know..that no one speaks rudely to elders in our family..it doesnt mean that we dont have differences in our family, they are but sort them out coolly.....thats what I like:)
I cancelled many trips and parties, as they were not convenient to my little ones, but never made any face as if my life is spoiled etc....they were my little angels and I loved them and love them now.
Still so many times I feel guilty that I could have done this and that and I didnt do enough..there was much more that could have been done.....there is never a limit to what parents can do, and should do...as in a way they make or break their children's future with their up bringing,..again I am not saying that individual's contribution is any less, but children are raw material, its upto the parents to mould them as they want....first ten years of their life are most important as they make the foundation...
Parenting is not a cakewalk...those who take a short cut always get shortchanged later in life...its only those who go a long and hard way get the fruit.
16 comments:
Wow...that's AWESOME. I don't know how you can feel guilty after doing above and beyond what a normal parents do for their kids. Kudos to you!
You have got the fruit from your hard work, Renu! You are a good mother! Your children must be proud of you!
Well I agree hard work is the key. Here is what I think:-
1. People working hard say - I was lucky - to downplay the hard work and not boast about himself / herself.
2. Others who don't work hard and not willing to accept the fact one worked hard - oh he got lucky.
3. I also believe luck does play a part. In the same family I have seen brothers taking completely different paths....
You have done really well for your kids. Yes, hands-on parenting is good. But, judging others about how they raise their kids is contentious. There are so many different styles of parenting and there is no one right or wrong way. Some parents believe in being guides and friends, some strict disciplinarians, some a combination of both, and as you pointed out, kids have their own individuality too. That is why we see two kids brought up in the same household displaying such vastly different traits. And another point, just because you were happy not having any me time, it does not mean that those who want me time are wrong. My point is that we are very quick to raise fingers at others who do things not similar to mind. Indian society is very judgmental especially women.
wow, something very useful for me...
Nilu:Nilu, sometimes circumstances make you take certain decisions, but later on you feel that come what you should have done otherwise:)
Sandhya: I dont know about them but I am proud of them.
`A: you are right..luck is important but hard work is also important.even my two children are quite different but basics remain the same.
Rachna: Please Rachna I am not pointing fingers on any body, I am just sharing my experience...the post is about how people term lucky to some..forgetting their hard work.
Me time is important but nevr at the cost of children's welfare..once you decide to have kids, be prepared for that..kids are not some commodity which you acquire.
Shrutzz:is it?..see Rachna's comment:)
Like it s been said, with freedom comes responsibility…
And respect can’t be demanded but earned…
With children parents are also born and lots to learn and unlearn in the process, those who fail make disastrous parents …
We teach better by being an example of what we preach.
You have done an admirable job you can be proud of.
I totally agree with what Rachna has said.
My children were told never when to study, where to go where not to go etc.
During exam times my daughter used to keep studying watching MTV, she felt better doing that, where as my son was always very competitive in everything, now this also we never taught him. SO two children in the same family each doing well in their own way without any interference from us.
Regarding, my time, I always had time for myself, as well as for everything else.
We believe if children are left to themselves they become more matured and responsible in life,we are always there when they need us, and believe me I have learnt many things from my children and picked up many good qualities also from them. And here I agree with deeps.
And I have nothing against the way you have put in all your efforts, for looks like it worked for you. So there is no right or wrong way to do anything in life, it is each one's way of dealing with things.
I come from a family where our father was always very dominating, maybe he thought he was doing good for his children by being very strict in everything, for he wanted the best for us. We love him and forgive him for being so and still being like that only.
We understand he belongs to a very different generation, not that everybody of his generation were like that.
So although we feel we could have been much better children if he had not been so dominating, we do not grudge him, for we can understand why he was the way he was.
SO my point is that if we can understand, that there many ways to bring up children, we would also learn many things in life.
Just as you feel your way was the best, you have to understand that others too with a totally different approach too have been successful.
You are the real deal. And, from what I gather, your children are proof of that.
I agree about the luck part. It is overplayed most times. Again, my point is having kids is not the end of your life as an individual.They are a part of your life just as your husband, career, family are... I do a lot for my kids too and life does change dramatically after one has kids. But, it does not mean that one has to be there all the time with kids. I don't agree that once you have kids, you've to always be around for them. At the same time, not paying them attention at all is wrong. Balance is the key for women like everywhere else. Yes, you didn't point fingers but sometimes your tone is sarcastic when you make your point:).
deeps: yes, parents also learn a lot of things from children.
rama:I am not saying that my way is best..my post was only for this that people say one is lucky to get this or one is lucky to get that but no one wants to see the hard work behind that luck.
As everybody cant be same, so are the children also..
I just wanted to share my experience..may be it could give some understanding to new parents, but i can nevr ever say that all others are wrong, only my way is right..as the people are different so the way of parenting is also different and so are the results also.
each to his own...
why people think that praising one way means demeaning others?
It is natural that if my way worked for me, I would think of it as a good way..
It doesnt mean even that I didnt have any time for myself or I didnt live a happy life full of entertainment..it was only that the preference was given to my children, I came afterwards.
If you were reading my blog from the beginning you would know that I have written many times that I have learnt a lot from my children.
Uptake:nothing like that:)..but most of my blogger friends didnt understand the spirit of post..what I wanted to say, they took it as a front to their up bringing, whereas I dont even know how they did it or whether they had good results..I get lot of acolades for children from everyone for their manners, habbits, education etc etc
Parenting is difficult. There are good lessons in your blog. I shall try to follow some of them.
difficult topic and what is good in one country can not be good in other country as progress is different.
educating and thinking level is different.
UK police did not fire on boys.
in India police fired on farmers who wanted to save their land using peaceful methods.
you raised very valid points.
very thought post.
We do our best with our children. But must also bear in mind that it is no guarantee that they will come out as we expect them to.
Our children are also individuals in their own right. They also move through life as we do --- learning...unlearning...relearning.Life continually evolves and learning is a continuing process and pursuit. We, as parents and stewards of our children, participate in their initial basic education, shaping, early growth, and training that most of the values they learn in life are first learned with us.
But that's as far as we can go... because the rest of the work will be done by them as they live out their own respective lives without us.
Thanks for a nice post.
God bless you and your family.
Kirti: yes, and these are only some suggestions and if they help anyone, my purpose is solved.
sm: but here also people disliked police action which was late and disproportionate.
We need a middle range action..softer than us and tougher than here.
different cultures warrant different actions, but basics should remain the same.
Ellen: you are so right..its only what we can do, rest is not in our hand.
I always believe that we can only do, result is in god's hands, but if do well atleast we have our own satisfaction that we did whatever we could do.
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