Monday, August 24, 2009

BACK HOME :):):):)

Finally after four months I am back HOME.. and feeling so thrilled to be here, no place like your own country and your own home...go wherever you want, but in the end its good to be home.
Since I travelled by BA, all my flights went through London and all the time I had to spend half an hour explaining them why I dont have UK visa..it was such a pain that she will talk to UK US, and many other people till she gave me a clean chit and then again at the boarding she will stop me and recheck everything...the people abroad are so computerised that they dont use their mind at all.........here in India, at the booking counter, the girl just gave a call on walki talkie and within minutes she was told its fine and I was free to go in. And then when I see people criticising everything Indian, I just seethe....................
Even in the food section nothing is better than our Maharaja.......here even for water you have to call them twice and they served after boarding and then just before landing with a break of 6 hrs.....for me it was too much of a break. and I was hoping to watch atleast 2 movies and there was no choice this time..in Hindi they were running only Rab NE bBana DI Jodi only:(.
When I got down at Chennai..that area was very dirty whereas they were screening evrybody for swine flu....what a contradiction.
For the last two days my phone hasnt stopped ringing...such an exhilarating feeling to be loved so much and surrounded by them..MY nephew came specially to see me and he is a complete delight....and the credit goes to my sister also..its how you bring up your children, she was telling me she wouldnt let him talk back to even the employees in their office becuase most of them started working before his birth and are older to him, so he should respect them, she always tells him..
That if a father is shouting at son..everybody will say ..see a father is teaching his son manners or scolding him.
but if a son shouts at father..everybody will say......see son is very ill mannered, disobedient(beta kitna badtameej ha baap se jawan lada raha ha)..meaning it will make you look bad only...
MY whole family is like that we dont teach our children to talk back or talk rudely to elders.I have been married for 33 years but never ever replied back to my MIl there must be many things I dislike but talking back doesnt come to me, I never talk back rudely to my mother also, and the same I have taught to my daughter also, and if she ever does that it will humiliate ME to no end and she always keeps it in her mind. Even when I got married, my father said just one thing to me.....beta kabhi sasuraal me jawab mat dena, sab yahi sochenge kaise pariwar se aayi ha) and I have kept his honour. I firmly believe that one gets happiness in life only with the blessings of elders.
The husband who brings light in the life of girls was not born out of tree, even otherwise in arranged marriages...first the family is seen then the boy...Not many girl's parent like a boy with nothing...so why that family becomes so dispensable after marriage. Not a single girl will declare before marriage that
she will not like to live wirh inlaws..no then she and her family all will say..she will care like this and that.
I want the girls to have guts before marriage to say......they dont want inlaws or
if they want , then want them to behave like this,
or they will follow the traditions of their mother;s house here,
and all other things they want and then marry the boy who agree for their conditions.
Because then parent will also have the choice to accept or reject without any inhibitions. I see many girls getting married into rich joint families..enjoying the benefit of their status and money, but not complying the duties expected from them. Every family has its own traditions and everything, and it comes with all the pros and cons..one cant choose the pros and reject the cons..
When we talk everything before marriage..they must take stock before marriage what they are getting into..... if they like.commit, otherwise dont. Otherwise its not fair to the boy and his family.
My post is always about the type of people I see..I dont write about the bad MILs, becuase today I dont see them much. I feel that it went out with our generation. Iam a MIL but have so much of my own life to live that hardly have time to interfere with them, Rather I would say, I need my own privacy:)
I never ask to be waited upon
Never ask to take my permission to go out
never ask what they do in their life.
never interfere in their personal life.
I never say that she cant stay with her parents,(read somewhere that some girls have this problem that their mILs dont allow them to stay with their parents)
never asked her to stay with me more than she want to, she always stays with her parents mainly, comes to visit me and thats fine with me.
never ask her to cook.( I am a very good cook and can cook, bake make anything and everything:)and I think I can run a restaurant:)
I am independent financially also, I can give and do so with love( but my children do a lot for me and I believe that they also do it with love)
I only want her to be
respectful and polite,
in my house , or in my presence follow my traditions.( I only go for 2 months in two years and in that period if any festival falls)
Now I am going to put my house in order as the whole house is dirty and maid is on leave:)....
A belated happy Ganesh Chaturthi to you all!!!

19 comments:

J P Joshi said...

Welcome home!

Sandhya said...

Welcome back, Renu! Now, forget all the bitterness and start living a peaceful life. Stress brings many health problems, ask me!

Happy Ganesh Chathurthi to you too!

Sandhya said...

Welcome back, Renu!

Now, forget all the bitterness and start living your life peacefully. Don't stress yourselves. Stress brings lot of health problems, ask me!

Reflections said...

We are happy to have u back Renu:-)).

U were hurt with whatever u saw & it just came out. Its ok...it happens....ur blog is the place u express urself...& so u did.

Hehe its times like these when one wishes tht they hadnt given the url to near & dear ones;-P

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi Renu!!!!!

Shades of Grey said...

This is great stuff Renu-ji.

I too am trying to adjust to a change in my life and that is of having my in-laws (mainly MIL) around. She's a great person but we are two very different people who both want control of our kitchen (and life in general). My mum too has taught me to keep quiet NO MATTER WHAT, but my Dad always encouraged discussion and open mindedness so it wasn't too long before I started voicing my opinions (very nicely though, not at all rudely). They (my in-laws) seem to like me a lot for which I consider myself very blessed at this point. A child is, after all, a reflection of their parents and I wouldn't want to embarrass my folks.

Wow you can manage a restaurant??? Gotta love an independent woman! Take care and glad to know you're back in the mother land.

Smitha said...

Good to hear that you back :) Now we can expect some more pertinent posts from you :)

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi.

As for the post, what I feel is that everybody cannot be tarred by the same brush. Not every DIL is a devil and not every MIL is an angel - and vice versa. This is a relationship that needs both parties to give and take.

And most girls do want to do their best - from my experience. Not every girl is a gold digger - infact I am sure very few are, in reality.

I agree with you that girls should make it clear if they don't want to live with their in-laws - before they get married - it saves confusion and unnecessary tension. But I do think, for a lot of girls - they do not realise this before they marry - they think it is easy to do. This happened to a very close friend of mine, sadly.

Renu, you sound like the ideal MIL :) But not every MIL is like this :) and not every DIL is like the ones you described either :)

Rush said...

so true...i see the difference a lot..between the personal touch of human beings in India and the very artificial step by step computerized lingo of america or any other foreign country.

i hope u have a great Ganesh Chaturthi and celebrate the festivities wit family...excellent time to be in India with family

Renu said...

JP : Thank you JP there is nothing like your own home:)

Sandhya: Thanks Sandhya! Now I am home and happy :) I was happy there also, because my children( son and daughter both) are very well mannered and love me a lot.

Reflections: Even i am happy to be back to my blog, my morning tea with paper:)

Shades OF GREY: There is no harm in voicing the opinions, because you are an individual and now a part of this new family, so your happiness is equally important and no sane inlaws will ever ignore that.
Kitchen is really a very important place, but I believe that one who cooks must be given the charge...Whenevr my dil is around I always cook her choice, becuase in my family I always made a rule that youngest one gets to choose first:)

I am a fiercely independent woman in everything....If I let anybody dominate me, its only becuase I love my whole family a lot, they are my life.Otherwise I can manage everything:)

Smitha: I wish to believe very word you say. They are not gold diggers but they sound like that. what I want to say is that once you are getting married into a traditional industrial joint family..you should know that their they have certain discipline. traditions....if you dont want to follow any discipline, dont marry into a joint family.....look for a single one.
I know for sure that not many boys will marry a girl who says she wont live with his parents, today I see that as the girls are geting hyper about their families, boys are also very attached to their families.
So whatever the girls want they should be clear in their minds before marriage and do whatever you want.

Dont know what an ideal MIL should be:) may be sometime some young person may post on it, what they want in a mil, but I am a very non interfering, living on my own in my own world type of person and I do my own work plus DILS also..I prefer doing and giving not taking, ithough it is different with your children and siblings, they also do a lot for me thinking the same:)

RUSH: Sometimes their mecjhanisation irritates you noend, but then their system only gives you so many facilities in life:)
This is a good time to be home:) sory I havent mailed u, will do so soon:)

Shruti SriHarsha said...

Welcome back Renu!!!
Happy Ganesh Chaturti ( Belated!)

I want to write soo much about my experience; with the topic u have written, but kinda hesitant in public...WISH.....:)))

have fun!!!

Amrita said...

welcome back and well this is the mellowed down post..
i have so many thoughts on the topic u have raised..i wonder if i shd write down a post itself.. what say?

Hobo ........ ........ ........ said...

I do not fly nor I want to.
Happy Ganesh Chaturthi And
Welcome ! Welcome ! Welcome !

Poonam J said...

Welcome back Renu..you are so right , when u say nothing like your own home and your own country.
I read your post with great interest, what you say is true.I feel its our generation that is taking the maximum bashing emotionally. We lumped it all from the inlaws, and have to lump it from the future generation. But like they say, water will find its level.
Only my daughter is married yet, but I know I am a harsher mother than I will ever be as a mother in law.
You are so right...all we want is be respectful and polite...and that also seems such a great deal for this generation.
Very interesting post........Happy Ganesh Chaturthi

Renu said...

ShrutisriHarsha; Thankx my dear:)
You may write, what happens is that sometime we get other side's perspective also, and I I am very adaptable that way.if I find that somebody expects this thing from me, I try to do it.

Amrita: Thanx:)...sure , I think you must write it, whatever I have seen, I have always loved you for you affection and care towards your mIL, and whatever you write may be an eye opener to me also..I would love to know what today's girls expect in a MIL? where I am lacking?

Hobo: thanks! thanks! thanks!
I am very happy to get such warm welcome:)

Poonam J: thanks for your kind words !!, Yes you have echoed my thoughts, when ww were young we used to be a little scare of our MIl, we used to live and work according to her, we wanted to please, and today we want to please our DIL....isnt it really sad?

earlier inlaws wanted us to work all the time and share the financial burden also, today we work for the children:)

Wish you all the best for your future DIL..You need all the luck to get a good one:)

Deeps said...

great to hear you're back,Renu!
clearly you're back with a 'BANG'

you seem to be gravely affected by things happening around you.

but i'm sure the comforts of your home will make you forget all that unpleasantness.
you're right..no place as your own home,your own country :)

belated Ganesh Chaturthi to you.

Renu said...

Deeps: Thanks Deep for welcoming me back:)

Yeah, chennai is making me feel really good:)

WhatsInAName said...

dear renuji
welcome back and yeah home is always sweet. Its just that we never can appreciate our own things.

Renu said...

WhatsinAName: welcome here!!!

You are right, whatever we get easily we take that for granted:)

PH said...

" in my presence follow my traditions"

Why this expectation???

I think all the in-law problems, here I mean DIL, MIL, FIL and SIL, starts with too much expectations.

Do you expect your SIL to follow the same i.e., your traditions in your presence? If no then why DIL???

Renu said...

PH said: very warm welcome here !

We dont have too much expexctations, but having no expectations mean either you dont care much or you dont feel that the person is worth it.

I firmly believe in one thing,,,if we have patrirchila society..then all the traditions of your inlaws be followed..why create a confusion in the house, I dont mind if you do both the things, but if doing both bring a clash, then follow what your inlaws do.

and if you have a radical thinking, then make all that clear before marriage, but dont be ambiguous as the girls do, before marriage they will show up as a very affectionate and traditional DIl and after marriage....
have the guts to do the right thing.

Personally I dont expect anything from my SIL, but then I dont even do that much as I do for my son and his wife....and then I want my daughter also to follow her MIL not me:)