Friday, November 15, 2013

What not to do while showing sympathy

I was thinking of writing about it for a long time, but for some reason or other I couldnt. First i will tell you a few incidences:----
When my father was going to have his byepass operation, many of my well wishers used to sympathise me like this-----oh your dad is going thru this operation.............hmm........Its a serious operation na (as if I dint know ). I hope everything turns out fine.---I used to feel so irritated, i would just clinch my teeth and wished them to go away.
Once when my husband got into a serious health problem and was diagnosed with high BP, anyone who met me even after 6 months or 1 year, first sentence will be----aapki tabiyaat kaisi ha ab ? How much is you BP now. hey......hello...............its is six months now, are we going to be sick for our whole life now.
My sisters's friend recently lost her mother, obviously she was very depressed, but one has to come out of it. few of her friends insisted her to come to the ladies get to gether. And there what many of the ladies say to cheer her------ I am very sorry to hear about your mother. ( now when she wanted to forget that you are reminding her again ), I just couldnt come then--( but this is not her problem )
whenever any body has any problem, many people come for courtesy call and start telling their harrowing experiences, and complications either they or their friend circle have faced and depress the patient and start suggesting all sorts of treatments and doctors.
I have many more experiences like that, so I thought---one all the people are not well wishers theyare just doing a formality, second may be people dont know how to be sympathetic,may be we can put a guideline for that--
  • .Be genuine, atleast here one needs not to put any facade.
  • If you have nothing to say, dont say anything, just be there quietly for the support.
  • If you want to help them, tell them that you are there and you will do whatever is required, cooking the food or staying in the hospital as per the situation.
  • Please dont suggest treatments and dont ridicule his doctor also, as the trust is paramount in healing the patient.
  • Dont narrate the stories of complications and all that, you are not there to scare them.
  • Its better if you dont talk about the sickness at all, you are there to cheer them, so why remind them--- I have seen it myself that I am always cheerful and dont worry a lot about my problems but others make me stressed by asking all the time about the problem.
  • If one is genuinely caring, it always comes out, no matter what you do or dont do, so just be yourself.
  • never ever at a happy occasion like a party or get together, ask some body about unpleasant questions. I you want to condole, go to their place and do it in private.
  • Never say what are the probabilities and what can or may happen? nobody knows that leave it to god. That nobody knows for a healthy person even, so just be positive.
  • They say in hindi
  • खुशी बाटने से बढ़ती हे
  • और दुःख बाटने से कम होता हा
  • लेकिन मैंने देखा हा की दुःख सब को बताने से और बढ़ता हा,
so if we want to show our support , care and love for others, our actions must convey that wholeheartedly.


Chatty Wren said...

I learnt something from this! Not saying too much that is! Had a recent experience where possibly my sympathy was misunderstood :( though I'd meant it with good will only.

Asha said...

agree with you, Renu. Some people in the name of concern start giving unsolicited advice and dampen our spirits instead of uplifting them.

And there are some people who come home to give wedding invitations or during casual talks start talking about some " door ka rishta" who passed away due to some illness. Infact, there is a uncle in our society who often talks about diseases and ailments. I avoid such type of people.

KParthasarathi said...

I agree with you fully.I like the advice if you have nothing to say,do not say anything.The mere presence is assuring and adequate.

SG said...

Nice suggestions. What not to say reminds me of a joke.

Someone’s dad died. Everybody else was saying he was a father for all of us. One idiot was watching this. On another occasion, someone’s mom died. Everybody else was saying she was a mother to all of us. This idiot was watching this also. Then one day, his friend’s wife died. He said she was a wife to all of us.

Sandhya said...

दुःख सब को बताने से और बढ़ता हा...I agree here, Renu! Most of the people are not genuine in their concern. Normally, I just go there, sit silently and come out if the people are not very very close to me. Close relatives and friends know our feelings and there is no need to express in words. Enquiring about past illness is bad...I too agree. Very well written post, Renu!

Renu said...

Chatty Wren:No dear, genuine concern is nevr misunderstood..

Asha:Better to stay away from negative people...

KParthsarthi:Thank u sir!..I have seen it in my own life that at the time grief, one doesnt need any conversation..


Sandhya: Thank you Sandhya!I totally dislike unsolicited suggestions at the time of illness...they make the situation worse..

Usha Menon said...

Renu this a fine and useful post. People must understand that when some body is ill, they should not add to their agony, by giving uncalled for advice.

Ankita said...

Nice post..some people are ridiculously stupid, all they do in such times is to scare the family of the patient with tragic tales or shoot their non stop queries about the hospitals, bills etc.

Ashwini C N said...

People are so eager and happy to give advice in such situations that they do not realize that all the person needs is some positive energy and some heartfelt wishes. Agree with all that you have said. Some people should learn that.

Renu said...

usha Menon: Thank you Ushaji!..People most of theim aggravate the misery unknowingly..

Ankita:some just dont care and some do it unaware of the effect.

Ashwini :Advice is one thing which is abundant in India:)

Gouri Guha said...

People become more of advisors than the name of sympathy they bore others with words which are irritating...that's what we find in many people.

Camila Rafaela Felippi said...

It's true! I will remember your suggestions, thanks!

Renu said...

Gauri: very true..

Camila Rafaela Felippi: Welcome here Camila!

Ash said...

so well written aunty... people can be quite insincere... that's what makes it all worse

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