Tuesday, December 15, 2009

HAPPY TIMES

Last week my daughter and SIL came, my nephew also came from VIT and we had a good time talking , eating and going out. We took them to Mahabalipuram ,and to Muttukadu also for boating. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Muttukadu...everything has changed, earlier here I wrote about it, and today they had a nice restaurant and all tourists were given life jacket while boating.I was laughing also that see this happens when I write:).

Last week I met Jayshree also at Tapas Bar, and really enjoyed our tete a tete, her little daughter is very cute. 2 weeks back Smriti also came to my house, I met her earlier also in Hyderabad, and now she has become a family to me, So far I have met three people thru my blog and it has been a very enriching experience to me. Thanks to blogging I got few friends.

And now I have praised Cafe Tapas so much that my daughter is waiting to go there:) and have cheese toast. and the advantage is its very near to our place.

Whenever my children come they take me back to their childhood. Sometimes I think that why do we crave for children so much, as someone wrote in the comment to my last post, that the amount of time and money and we invest in them and specially we put our hearts at stake, its not worth it, because the hurts we get are much more than the care we get...and then I think of their childhood..the pleasure I got when they were toddlers, and when they were studying and showing me the dreams and then the pride I feel when I see them well established grown ups,nothing can ever beat that. If we think of it as as a business proposition..then its a total loss investment..with the time and money spent on them, we could always fulfil all our dreams and save for our old age quite well, but if we think emotionally....its different,bringing a new life into this world and watching them growing up is an experience of a life time , unsurpassable by anything,But once they grow up, its better to detach ourselves from them to save ourselves from all the hurt...because today's world is becoming self centred, they do everything for their own good and their own convenience.... and I dont like to see the parents being taken for granted..whenever they are needed they are called, visited and even respected and then left to fend for themselves.
Yesterday my husband talked to one of his colleague and his both the sons have settled abroad and none has the visa status to keep the parents there permanently, so they visit only, rest of the time they have to live alone....The couple is over 60, and in India getting a medical help is also not so instant and in easy approach, so they are dependent on distant relatives or neighbours. I feel really sad when I see someone like this because I can identify so easily with them, the same will happen to me in the next 10 years or so. And I think and think but unable to find any solution..may be some organisations may come forward and make senior citizen friendly communities in all the cities..the modern old age homes....and I dont bother even about the stigma attached to them.....This is one fact of life, sooner we accept it would be better that children cant bear the responsibility of their parents.

37 comments:

Vijay said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and posting ur valuable comments...

Shrutzz said...

Oh nice...u enjoyed!! where do they Live?

Am also so concerned about the medical stuff for senior citizen's..
Am hoping for some better things to roll out, so I can consider for my parents. They Live alone and everyday that worries me...

Amrita said...

I completely understand what you wrote Renu from a parent's perspective.. but i wonder if children have ABSOLUTELY no responsibility??? Those people who helped you stand on your own feet for 20 odd years, how can you detach from them after that? And that too when they need you the most. Just like one has responsibility for ones children one has equally for ones parents. I think this fad of settling abroad has got to get some serious thinking.. yes be there for a while.. but comeon dont leave your roots. My parents had also moved a bit far from my dad's native but were always close enough to be at the beck and call of my grandparents.
Life always comes full circle. Tomorrow when the people of our generation turn old, would they like being left away by their children? Or maybe this way of life might make us insensitive enough to do that too.......

Amrita said...

On second thoughts, a very very thought provoking post.....

Renu said...

Vijay: My pleasure indeed:)

Shrutz: my daughter lives in Seattle.and my nephew is a very jolly person, its a total pleasure to have him:)

Today all parents have to live alone..this is the result of modernisation:), but as long as they are healthy and physically active, no problem, but once their bopdy fails them, they need someone around.

Amrita:..when people are young , they dont think of consequences or future, or they dont want to think, yes life is a big circle, it will come back to them also, but that I dont care, what i care about is today.

Fulfilling your dream is fine as long as you can do your duties in life, but the day you dream starts coming in conflict with them , you will have to take a call....
and sometime some people take a call for looking after the duties, but they become so bitter and frustrated that its not worth it, none would like it to be reminded everyday of the sacrifice they have made.
So do whatever you can happily, and if duties dont come to you automatically, then even parents are better off alone..its a very complex issue.

Sandhya said...

Good to know that you are roaming the city with your daughter.

In Bangalore, most of the parents of the NRI children have formed a group and help each other. This is happening everywhere now. Once the children go out of our country, it is not easy for them the come back or come and go often. But we have got something to chat about, at our old age...about our children. Otherwise we have to sit facing each other silently. And one more thing, children who are in station also find it difficult to be emotionally attached to their parents, their life hasn't got time for anything. I see this happen in most of the homes, nowadays.

Inspite of all these things, our children are our children, Renu.

Chanz said...

Renu, plz dont be sad. U never know that your kids mite come back and stay with you. You must pursuade them to do so. Sometimes emotional blackmailing works.. :)

And I m glad that you met two people from your bloglist. World is indeed a small place..

Renu said...

Sandhya:..now my daughter has gone to meet some relatives and after she comes bak, we intend to go to pondy bazar:)

Thats the one thing, everyone will have to do, to form groups...but emotionally one pays a very high price, and sometimes I wonder at our choices in life..

Chanz: I am an eternal optimist and always find reasons to be happy:)..I dont believe in asking for anything from anybody and never from children:)..may be I am egoisitc:), but thats the way I am.

Amrita said...

Renu, taking care of parents should never cause bitterness
dont we take care of our children no matter how disobedient or truant they are.. similarly parents are parents.. they brought us up.. + or - we should take care of them when they need us most.Some relationships have to be adhered to... its just too much choice that spoils us.

SUFFIX said...

I am glad to hear you got good friends like a family members through blog.

I agree with your statement, we should bring our child with our soul and heart, forget about the payback, teach them from childhood the value of parenthood, they will understand.

Preeti said...

Renu,

whenever you come to bangalore , please let me know ,i'll be happy to meet you ..:)

I so agree that the biggest return a parent get is in the form of smiles / hugs and joys of kids ...we kids unfortunaetly are growing thankless..I wish I could take care of my mom and dad when they will need me .. they have earned enough for me and my bro to have a decent home and food for rest of our lives.
Renu , I dont come home that often when I know that my parents are happy healthy and confortable ( my bro , sil and nephew stays with them). but when anyone of them is not well /or need any help that I can provide , i leave everythng and do that , not because they expect it , but because I have to do that ...at this point I am more worried about my maternal parents , inspite of having 5 children , they have no one to take care of , my nanu is 80+ , and if no one will take care of them i'll take them with me ..I know that will be a big decision as they dont approve of my life style , but I cannot see them helpless.

Any day you plan to work on old age home project, count me in ... We can work towards that together :)

PNA said...

My Mom would agree to what u have just said, I'm home and we are having the great fun... Good to know that you are having happy times Renu..... its wonderful when the quorum is full.... Waiting for the kiddo and AB to make the family complete.

Renu said...

Amrita: its not taking care of parents, but they think that they sacrifices their dreams for them and it does.

God has made the system this way..that everyone loves the children, but even if half of that we do for parents, the world would be a beautiful place to live in.Even I think so many times that the adjustments I have made for my children, if i had done that for my inlaws, they would have been indebted to me forever and would have done multiple times more than my children...I think I will explain this point in my next post in details:)

Preeti: Thank you so much for the offer,..In the meantime if you ever come to Chennai, let me know..I just love company:)

I know Preeti,when one grows old..really old, the problem starts then only, because then having them with us means extra work, extra expenses and certain restrictions..I know that very well as my MIL (90) lives with me, but here always comes the test of our character.

Suffix: I am lucky that way:)..whatever we do,but destiny always catches up with us:(

PNA: ..I try to enjoy the life as much as I can, enjoy the children when they are with you, and dont miss them when they are gone:)

manju said...

It's good that you had such an enjoyable time last week!

I so agree with what you write about children and parents. I have even read some time ago on a young blogger's blog that it's good that children can go abroad so they will not have to take care of their parents!

Thinkala said...

its hard when parents grow old.. very tricky situation in today's nuclear families..

Renu said...

manju: ..yeah daughters are always a pleasure to have around:)

There was a survey once and it said that many young people dont want to come back, because their wives dont want to have any responsibility of inlaws..I feel so disgusted..these are the same girls who are very affectionate and caring towards their own parents.

Here comes the qualities,,angels are not those who love their own people only but the ones who do for everybody.

Renu said...

Thinkala: yes its a tricky situation, but can be changed into a pleasant one, if we retain our family values..because its a situation veryone has to face sooner or later, so in a way, young people by doing their duty will secure their future only.

Destiny's child... said...

You began the post with happy thoughts and towards the end...you made me think...it's a truth we all try to evade...and more often than not, its really hard to imagine old age. Like, I can't imagine my mom walking with a walkign stick. Never!

Thought provoking post....

Reflections said...

Glad u r having a good time with daughter Renu.
U tek care!!!!

Sparkling said...

For a minute I thought that the 'Tapas bar' was a Spanish joint. I'm glad to read you're having fun.

I'm a bit pained to read about the parents children equation here and I know you do have a point. Anyway...

TC

Renu said...

Destiny's child: yeah:) none could, but then this is one time that comes to everybody.

Reflections: ....Its happy times:)

Sparkling:..I always forget the actual names, now I have corrected, its Cafe Tapas:)...In India I go to Indian food only, all other experiments are left to the times when I am abroad and have no choice:)

Jayashree said...

Have fun with your daughter.....
It was lovely meeting you.....

Smitha said...

It must be wonderful to have your daughter at home - it is the best time :) I feel so envious of both of you :)

I can't understand how children can totally neglect parents. One of the biggest reasons we are not settling here(will move back by next yr end) is because we want to be near our parents when they need us. Of course- both sets - I cannot imagine a situation where I cannot look after my parents or husband can't look after his - it has to be both sets of parents treated in the same way for me.

My parents are very independent though. They want to live by themselves as far as possible - they have such a busy, active life that they want that independence as much as possible - I fear I will have to force them to come and live with us :)

Renu said...

Jayshree:..Thanks!..I too enjoyed our meeting and Tanvi is so cute.

Smitha:..):):):)Its really fun to have children with us..I enjoy a lot with my DIL also, its a different matter:) whether she enjoys or not:)

One thing I have seen that many people want to settle abraod because they want to avoid all that..maintaining the relations..In India one has to entertain guests quite often,and take lot many responsibilities.My own BIL has settled abroad, and he hardly bothers about anybody or anything.

Even i am fiercely independent, but that is today, I cant say what will happen after 10 years..I may not be physically strong enough to live independently and then I will need children,Today my MIL is very old, she was also an independent person, but today she cant live without one of us being there, we cant even go anywhere leaving her behind..so this stage brings out the need of support and here many children are lacking.

Dreamer said...

This is something that worries me every day. My parents can't even think of leaving their home and living elsewhere. They have their habits and routines and they do not want to give up their independence. Same is the situation with the husband's parents. Luckily for us they do not live that far and it's just a matter of a few hours journey if we need to be with them.

Deepti said...

Hi,

Thsnka for visiting my blog and posting a comment..:), seems you are from nrthern part of India settled in Chennai....
Nice blog you have..:)
nice meeting u in blog wrld..:)
cheers,
Deepti

sm said...

treatment from society also affects where one will settle

Tomz said...

Nice post, happy to know that u r a person who maintains the relations every time..

J P Joshi said...

Yes, this is one issue that needs to be tackled in the good old Indian way...and modernisation should not be mistaken to be westernisation with regards to the issue of care of parents. Indians have been very wise and have over millenia developed very fine social systems...yes, these too have their flaws, in practice.. we need to work on the flaws while retaining the spirit behind the systems. I firmly believe that everyone worships the rising sun.. children always get cared for, by everyone...the real challenge lies in caring for the parents in their second childhood. Their are many challenges in this too, with life being ultra mobile these days.

indyeahforever said...

have not read the post yet Renu...for now just wanted to drop in and wish you:)
Merry Christmas and warm wishes for the year ahead:)
(((hugs)))

Balvinder Singh said...

Renu, every post of yours reflect your loving personality, enjoying the company of near and dear. That is a wonder in today's busy world where relationships are redefining themselves. Keep it up and keep sharing.

SG said...

Thanks for your post. Very thought provoking. Those parents of NRI children who live alone in India are better of, at least financially. Hope most of the NRI children send money to their parents. Money cannot solve all the problems but can solve 95% of the problems.

But I really feel sorry for those parents in India whose children live in the same city but put their parents in a senior citizen home or make them live alone. As you wrote "I feel really sad when I see someone like this" during our visits.

Happy new year to you and your family.

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Manjunath said...

Nice Post.... and i agree with "Suffix" children should be brought up in an environment filled with love and care yet we should never expect for a payback and be prepared for worse rest time will tell what happens... though children look after their parents most of the time children spouse are not ready to take care of their in-laws..

what ever it is times are changing we have to accept it as it comes ;)

Manasa said...

2nd ur views... thr r many senior citizens who r alone since kids hav settled abroad n none to take care during old age..sad...

Renu said...

Dreamer:..Its not a problem as long as they are living alone by choice and have loving children like you:)

Deepti: it was my pleasure, I do a lot of blog surfing, but leave a comment only when I like something:)

sm: Here a disagree a little, we make society, society doesnt make us.

TomZ;That way you will be surprised that I have entertained very distant relations also..like my husband's nephew's friend's mother:)

JP Joshi:.....the real challenge lies in caring for the parents in their second childhood..this is what I was talking about..we must find some practical solution for this problem..blaming someone is never a solution:(.

Balvinder Singh: Thanks:) for your sweet words, they sound like a music to me:).

SG: You are so right, I wonder how can we be so callous.but then we must look for a solution like constructing some resorts type acomodations, the way Dignity living offers.

Manjunath: Welcome here !...everybody does the best for children,because as is said in Hindu mythology.saptshati..that its due to Maya Moh..God has done this to ensure that children whoa re incapable of looking after themselves are not left behind alone.

And its not about expectations or anything..it is simply a requirement of old age that one needs someone, and some facilities...we must find the way for them.

Manasa:..what to do? may be some young people may suggest some remedies.

Renu said...

Deepti: welcome here in my space! hope to see you often!

Yes I am a north Indian, temoprarily in Chennai:)