Wednesday, December 9, 2009

When to have kids?

In my last post I wrote about so many things, but nobody read or reacted about anything other than gender bias,and it shows that relationships are the most popular topic for everyone. I got an anonymous reaction also and a strong one, but I didnt publish that, because I feel if someone has something strong to say ,be brave to put your name to it. But still I will clarify my stand, I would like to state categorically that in my post...
I never ever undermined boys, on the contrary i always say that today boys are getting short changed, and personally my son is the best, gem of a person, and to me both daughters and son are equal, I rather wanted to say that to prove their equality I couldnt undermine the son...
My son always stands up for the right thing and person and I have always respected and valued his opinion and still do.and those who have been reading my blog for some time will know how precious he is to me.
As for equality in Pooja...somebody has to do it first, if the girls do, then boys will say why?....and the people who go for this type of equality, I feel doubtful that they will ever make a happy family.A cohesive family comes only after every member aspires for it, but if some of them are always balancing the scales, then becomes a game only.If its a patriarchal system then girls crib, if tomorrow there is a matriarchal then boys will to me it is like this that if you want to crib, do it but you wont benefit anyone, not even yourself.Even if a mother gives food to two children, she will give first to one and then to second, giving second is not undermining her love for the child.One should learn the definition of family is a group of people bound together by love, will do everything for each other, and keep others before self.

And I know that sometimes inlaws are quite bad,but I will write only what I see around me..this is my blog, my personal experiences....and today i see that majority of parents are adjusting, and the girls are becoming haughty and arrogant, so that comes out in my posts. and so a girls, who is working and still not haughty, looks after the house and is polite and respectful to elders will always get my respect whosoever she may daughter or my DIL or my blogger friends.I have never liked..I ,me, myself attitude, I told my daughter also when she got married....
कोई भी कितने अरमान से बेटे की शादी कर के दुल्हन लाता हा, तुम्हारी किसी भी बात से माँ का मन नहीं दुखना चाहिए ( everybody gets her/his son married with so much of love, that you should never hurt your MIL in any way.)..she will vouch for that.Its not that I say something else and teach and behave with my daughter differently. When you enter a family, dont go there with the attitude..what they are doing for you..see what you will do for them, try to please them..and Inlaws should also look after the new girl well.No girl can get the love of her husband unless she respects his parents and since girl goes to sasural..she has to deal with inlaws on basis, not the boys, certain equations are different.

And anybody who reads my blog will know that I am a a very judicious mother to my daughter also, I never support or hide her mistakes, I dont believe in hiding mistakes, I rather try to rectify them..may be I come out as a harsh mother to others, but strictness at certain label, some discipline in life and pampering at different times only can bring up a good personality..this is my personal belief.

Now-a-days whosoever meets me keep asking whether my children have any issue?( as they have been married for few years, quite a lot if you consider Indian thinking:)
and when I say..NO, they advise me that I am being too careless, and its not right and all that and yesterday I was thinking about all this and came to the conclusion that...
children are lifelong responsibility, once they arrive, parents will be forever looking for something..bringing them up, education , marriage etc etc.
So its only before that they can enjoy their life fully and fulfill their dreams and can have some METIME.
Secondly what happens that with life expectancy increasing, with early children , a situation comes in life when parents are in late 80's and children in late 60's. and for those children its not an easy time to look after parents when they themselves need some having children late will have many pluses..
first one gets enough time to oneself
and when you grow old, your children will be young enough to look after you ( of course only if they want to:)
and one is always able to provide better to the children,
So I thought that i will never ever ask my children to hurry up and have kids(as if they will listen to me:)....enjoy life, fulfil your dreams and then plan family whenever you need them.,really want them.
This weekend my daughter is coming for two its going to be fun time to me, waiting for her.. I miss her so much, but marriage changes a person so much..I miss those times.. I wish that for sometime at least she becomes that little girl of mine.

There is this NGO. they had this exhibition of articles manufactured by unprivileged children from recycled goods. I went there to see and thought of buying something to encourage them. One thing I have noticed that most of the time the prices of the products are kept very high, to me its like killing the golden goose. why cant they keep the competitve prices, then their products can be marketed easily and will have more demand. And whoever organises it,must give their space either free or very low cost, because if they also want to make profit then it totally backfires, as there wont be much sale. I saw that few products were good but prices were very was like going to a designer place. My H being a practical person asked my why do you want to buy this product at a multiplied cost, why not give that money directly to charity, but I think its better to encourage work..its like teaching fishing. I always buy something whenever I see any exhibition or sale directly from handicraftsman or any such NGO.Earlier there was this shop in Shilparaman Hyderabad which used to sell some spices soap etc made by adivasis and I bought so many things and believe me they were very good quality, even soaps very better than those branded ones, and spices were very fresh.Now they dont have that shop anymore and I couldnt find their where abouts even.

here is my talk with webneetech.....


Anonymous said...

To be honest I jump the post as it is too long but yes as per the subject I will say financial security never ends And age ends. Between 21-25 I guess is the best time to have kids.

Jayashree said...

When to have kids, or even whether to have kids is totally up to the couple. One of the questions I truly hate and never ask is "Any good news???"

Preeti said...

I totally agree with you on this ...never ask people when are they planning it , and never advice on such matters they are teh best judge of thier responsibilities ...early or late or never ...its all upto parents dad almost forced my bro to have a kid and though all of us in family love my nephew i think my bro could have used some time with his wife and wuld have planned his career better with less responsiblities ...he is two years younger to me with a 3 year old kid ...and when I carelessly holiday / party and be reckless abhi bhi ..he thinks a lot before doing anything ... in a way he is more responsible than me ..and that gives me freedom to enjoy as he is taking care of my parents who in turn are taking care of my bed-riden dadi ...

Renu , there is something about family systems, the thngs that we inherit from our parents , My dadi have been typical fimli MIL to my mom , but now when she is bed-ridden , its my mom who is taking care of her ...and the only name she remembers is of my mom ...:) If I loved my mom before this , I totally admire and respect her as great human being now. this is how we see our self adapting to our in-laws families ...I am happy for one thing that though my nani had been un-lucky with her MIL's my mom has been lucky SIL is a gem of a person ...May she remains like this always , but then its again the way my mom and dad has loved and respected her in this family .
I still had a bad marriage and had to deal with manuplative MIL and SIL ...I refused to indulge in ghar ki olitics and tuk divorce ..I hate to argue and fight with people I call mom and didi ...anyways ..I have this I, me , myself but I am no ways mean and cunning .there is a thin line ..and i take care not to cross it .

Even I try to buy from such fairs , and yes sometimes things are too overpriced ..but then I feel blessed that I can afford to indulge in good cause once in a while ...

Tara said...

great question. to be honest this is the most frequently asked question since I got married.. At times no matter how bold we are in our stand we get desperate when 90 out of hundred people u meet bang u with the same question !! Gosh will ever a day come when you get the freedom to plan our own lives and of copurse Gods will...

Amrita said...

Renu - one suggestion when you come across the bad daughter in law stories.. i somehow feel, conditions now a days are a lot different from what it was in the prior generation, which makes the older generation a bit too finicky of some small things. For instance, girls live with friends and all before marriage, and it might be very common for them to come home late and make maggie for themselves and their husband. This might be sacrilegious to many mother in laws. As long as the husband does nt mind once in a while i dont think it hurts. Rather expecting the dil to make a meal once shes back from 9+ hours of work is a bit inhumanly. So things are way toooo different now a days. Whenever i hear bad mil or bad dil stories, I never ever judge the situation. Sometimes girls also try to be too cohesive and loose their identity and later go on cribbing about their mils. I just hate that attitude.

And about the time to have kids... hmmm... practically its the decision of the partners, when they decide depending on career and financial position et al... biologically better to have first kid before the lady gets 30.. so docs say... so as per these 2 conditions, the partners should decide. But it is very very bugging to hear the same question from all and sundry.

And so cool you daughter is coming over.I can so so imagine how happy the times are gonna be. Have lots of fun Renu!

Reflections said...

Renu...every post of urs is an eye opener for me. Sometimes I do not know waht to comment coz I agree with most of wht u write:-)

Abt this having children business I'll go one step ahead of u and say people shd not have kids just for the sake of having them, to carry on the sirname,etc, etc. The world esp India as it is over populated. And to top it, most of the time parents have expectations and children grow up to disappoint parents in some way.
Better than tht, use the money which u wd have spent on the kids to go on a world trip, concentrate on a good hobby, help the poor and invest in a good old age home with top-class facilities[make sure they serve good mutton biriyani every sunday;-D].
But for such a plan to work one must have a partner who thinks just like u;-/.

Renu said...

Hobo: I will keep it in mind in future to make it short:) nobody even gets married till 25:).

Jayshree: I know, not today even earlier generations also used to feel like that..I rememebr my mausi also felt very awkward when somebody asked abourt kids..she felt as if the children are verything and all that, but later on when she couldnt conceive, she realised that had she bothered esarlier, it would have been better and the same thing happened to my strangers asking is not so welcome:), but parents ask only because they worry about that.

Tara; I know, sometimes when we know nothing to talk, we ask just this..atleast it happened with me, now I take care not to ask:)

Amrita: yeah conditions are far as I see nobody asks DIL to cook when she comes home from work, leave aside that I find that DILs sitting at home also dont want to do the cooking.

About maggie:) yea I see its a emotional feeling.I rememebr once my friend told me this....Renu I never let my son do anything except studies and now when I see him doing housework and job both whereas my dil IS a housewife, my heart is wrenched, but I keep was 10 yrs back.and then I knew what all mothers have to endure to see their sons happy:)..
I identity is never lost..its only the beginning years which need some adjustments and compromises.But yes do whatever you do willingly, if one starts taking everything as a sacrifice, they are not building anything but preparing themselves for bigger problems.
Yes my daughter is coming, and I am happy, I try to so much to be detached from my children, but not able to.because if they bring lot of happiness, then misery also comes because of them only:)..not because of them , but due to my over attachment to them.

Reflections: Nancy we are two of them alike:)
If everybody started thinking like you , how would we enjoy the prep talk of Naina and NIkita?...children are joy also and bring sorrow too, but thats life.
All the problems in our life are not because of any particular person, but because god wants us to bear something..and it can be in any form.everyone has to bear his own cross.
But yes children should come as most welcomed in life, when we want them.

Preeti: you are so right...I will say to all the youngsters also do waht you want, let anyone say anything, its not that otherwise you listen to everything anyone says, so why be obedient in this so important matter of your life...spouse, children, career, they are important decisions and bear lifelong consequences, so should be taken with full ownership of responsibilities.

Preeti, even i my MIl was such, though its only me in her whole family who does everything for her, still aslo she hasnt changed much, only thing now she doesnt have a choice as physically she is not so strong, otherwise she would have starved me:)..but then I always thought that when I get my DIl I would give her all that I didnt get...pampering, love,gifts, freedom ,to go to her parents, going out,no financial assistance asked, but then these things are valuable to those only who have suffered and dint get..if you get everything without asking, one doesnt value that.

Shrutzz said...

1) The subject line, made me read this post very attentively. Not that I dont every time, but I personally love this...

2) I have my comments posted on the Gender bias thing, in my last post. These subjects are always in debate but things will REMAIN still for most of us in INDIA. I still don't know why I wrote this.

3)I loved, when you talk about FAMILY, u r right when you talk about a mother, right when you talk about In-laws...

Am a Daughter for my parents, with a sister sibling. I have always carried a sense of responsibility towards 3 of them and still do that...Am a daughter-In-law who stays with her In-laws and understand how it is to LIVE under onr roof without having rifts, without clashes...The mantra I forcibly keep in mind is what you have written in your blog "everybody gets her/his son married with so much of love, that you should never hurt your MIL in any way"...

4) U r soo liberal, saying let your kids have kids when they want to :)))
WISH-WISH my parents and IN-LAWS say that to me...They keep asking me Renu, am still not mentally prepared..I don't know WHEN....

5) Loved the Interview, Loved that I got to see you properly in that snap..I can connect better now:))

keep writing!!!

Renu said...

Shrutzz..and here I think shruti reads all my posts:):) ..hehe..

And you listen to everybody but plan kids only when you want two thoughts about it:)

I know that it is not easy to live with family..either inlaws are not very accomodating or DILs are arrogant sometimes...but some adjustments from both the sides can bring lot of benefits to everybody.

Thanks..that snap was attached by my daughter

Chandni.. said...

First of all lemme congratulate you for your interview.. I read through the entire interview and was amazed at your modest replies. :) Good luck to u for that and I hope that you keep writing... :)

And as far as the post os concerned, i think you are doing a good job by not hiding your children's mistakes. Nobody (espexially mothers) do not want their kids to become spoiled brats.. The more strictness they have to face, the more polish they become. I know, it must be quite wierd for you since it is coming from a 23 yr old woman, but I still agree that itis needed. (Well, I may change my view in case of my parents, but deep inside I too would do that when I have kids)..

I also agree with your opinion on the NGOs pricing their prodcuts quite high. My family has been associated with with a blind school since as long as I can remember. And this time on Diwali, I went there to purchase hand made gifts for my friends (since I have just started earning, I wanted to buy something different this time). And I was surprised at the high prices. Really surprised. The onky thing is that you do not have the heart to buy these products when you know that eventually the money will go to the unprivileged.. But I would still agree that it is much better to donate monetarily than buying those things..

Sparkling said...

I didn't quite read your earlier post but I can see that you wrote this post in one breath and I also felt that you were a bit upset when you wrote it.
As I always said and believe, it is your blog Renu, feel free to say whatever you feel and want and yes, comments will always be there - isn't that validation of our writings ;)

Can't comment much here coz I ain't married and I've only sisters who are. The only thing I truly understand and believe is that there is no hard and fast today of how one should behave and be after marriage. Each individual is different (man or woman, son or daughter) and I think a husband and wife should be given the space of how to live their life with and around their family. Let them just be.

P.S: I checked your interview, you definitely do not look 53! :)

sm said...

when to have kids
excellent topic,
i feel it all depends on your education and financial stability.

SG said...

Nice post. I think it is not civil to ask anyone "any good news?". Especially in Tamilnadu they ask in so many different ways. Yedhaavadhu visesham unda (Anything special?) and Eppa kulichcha (When did she take a bath). To non-tamil speaking people, it will take a whole blog to explain the real meaning of Eppa kulichcha.

Glad your daughter is coming. Enjoy the occasion.

Sandhya said...

Welcome to Chennai ...for your daughter! Enjoy roaming Chennai with her, Renu.

Girls should have children by 30, I feel. And yes, the couple should decide, when to have children. By this time, they will be finacially secure. Nowadays, bringing up children is expensive.

You get nice topics to write about, Renu.

Vijay said...

Hi.. I just visited ur blog.. It sounds Great.. Hope u too will Visit my blog..

Renu said...

Vijay: welcome here in my space! I will surely see yours.

Renu said...

Chanz: Thank u:)...replies are not modest but true:)

If we bring up our children with good behaviour and values, they also get lot of appreciation in life and it motivates them.

About NGOs..I always feel that if we buy their product, then we are encouraging them in their work, which will have a long term effect.dont know whether its right or not:)

Sparkling: I a;lways write all my posts in one breath only:) and yes I was upset because of the insinuation that i am undermining my son, whereas this is not the truth.

Thanks for reading my interview..looks like snap didnt do justice to my age:)

sm: depends on so many things...but having the children late is not such a bad thing, rather may be a good planning for the couple.

SG: Pl explain that in a full post. I know its an infringement on individual's freedom , but our culture is like that, we may ask anything:)

Sandhya: Thank you Sandhya ! daughter has come, so I am enjoying to the hilt:)

My mind is always thinking about something or other and sometimes that churning is seen in my blog posts:)

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