Sunday, December 6, 2009


This Saturday we went to my H's alumni meet..I just go for good food and good music, as I dont get to meet and talk many people..because I know none and people here are sort of reserved...that way I miss my last apartments crowd, people there had a class of their own, They always made me feel sop welcome and one of their own..Since this time the venue was Accord Metropolitan,it was also an incentive to see a new place. The hotel is good in ambiance but food was bad..not a single dish was worth it..One thing I have seen that here north Indian food preparations are rarely good anywhere, so why not keep it traditionally south only, I prefer that instead of eating rubber like paneer and watery gravy, and special dinner without dahi bhalla or raita is unimaginable to me . But we had good DJ :) I enjoyed the music and felt sad to see that so many foot tapping numbers he played but none of the young crowd came on the floor..when he played..kajraare, I remembered how in Delhi, we couldnt stop anybody from dancing, people were so much in love with this song:).If there is a game or quiz, its imperative that my H will win something, he is a sure shot winner, last time in our apartment building we had TT matches and when I gave his name people were a little skeptical that he could beat them..I mean young crowd..but he demolished them all.So here also there was a quiz on corporate people, and in business knowledge , he is a pro..after all he reads BL thoroughly and watches only CNBC, so we got a gift voucher for AVM sound zone.
Then i the evening I watched a little of..TERE MERE BEECH ME..a show by Farah khan the director and are a few of her statements and questions to the guest .....

1--Now I am going to present two girls who are like SONS to their families......

Notice the saying shows our prejudice, why be like sons, why not good responsible girls?..I hear many families saying..for us our girls are like sons,..hello what do you mean by that, why cant girls be like girls only? it shows that whatever we say we still consider the boys better.whereas we keep denying any credit to boys even by saying that girls are more caring.

2--You have done for your families what normally the boys do.....
with this statement we say two boys do a lot for their family again a contradiction because you must have heard many people say that girls are more caring, though i dont understand the meaning of their caring and we are showing our gender bias.

I have forgotten the other questions, but this show was full of such things. My opinion is that to bring equality in this world we will have to change our thinking..

Girls need not not to be like boys, they just need to be good in everything.We need both in our lives..boys and girls.

Girls need to be independent in everything in life...that way I like what John Abraham said about Bipasha...he admired her for being totally independent, never asking him for any work to be done or any maintenance of house or anything else.She can take care of ANYTHING... thats what is independence all about.

And to bring a change we need to have a righteous thinking....

today what I see is that girls like want a husband who

1...earns more ,
2---respects their parents and looks after them well,but should have some self respect and not stay with inlaws a metro sexual men..well groomed and helps in the house., soft hearted,but shouldnt be a sissy.
4--if possible with eight packs abs.but shoulnt look for beauty in a wife, as beauty is not important as the virtues.
5..strong enough to protect them,
6-pamper them silly,
7-be chivalrous,
8-shouldnt take or expect anything from inlaws

so you will see that most of the points are a contradiction ....

1....why earn more..there will be always one partner who will earn more and it could be either wife or husband..if wives can live with the husband's earnings, so can the husband with wife's

2-Why the boys living with inlaws are looked down upon..why?.if he has the duty to look after them , then he can stay also with them, secondly if you want him to take care and respect your parents, then you better do that to his just cant discard them from his life.

3--its humanly quite difficult. very gender biased, when girls always want their inlaws to DO EVERYTHING for them, then so should their parents..if the boys get the share in their parents property, so should the girls bring it in their make it equal.

Why is this that whatever a girl brings to the marriage is DOWRY and what boys get is INHERITANCE.

Till we get a clarity of thoughts, we will have all these muddled up minds and sometimes girls and sometimes boys will keep getting exploited. To me everything boils down to one thing....Just be a good human being !

In Big Boss Raju Srivastava got was Ok also, otherwise he would have lost his fans. Now I think its totally a manipulated game, though I would love to see Bakhtiar winnnig, but thats not going to happen, either Poonam or Vindu will win.

I saw..OH MY GOD..this movie is about a common man (Vinay Pathak) who promotes a scheme to get rich, one day his wife cries a lot in front of God to help him, now god comes in the form of lottery seller and insists Vinay to buy lottery and then a particular ticket, he doesnt listen to him, the he comes to him in the form of a gambler and let him wins 10 crores, he doesnt take as he doesnt want to take the gambling money, and then he changes the pamphlets of his scheme to currency notes and then the mayhem starts:)..very funny movie, though the message it gives doesnt sound good, because he faces all the difficulties becuse he wants honest money. Divya dutta plays his wife. And Saurabh Shukla as God is just fabulous and best dialogues are given to was fun watching what God thinks when his different type of devotees come to him and cry.


How do we know said...

i kind of agree with your thoughts, but i guess the point of saying "like boys" is to tell parents that daughters too, can do what they think only sons can do.. remember that we are talking to a people who routinely kill the foetuses of their daughters..

Renu said...

How do we know: welcome here !..but I hear it from supposed educated and modern families, their girls are staunch so called feminists.

I always think righteous in your behaviour, as we can never rectify any wrongs by being wrong ourselves.

Rush said...

demolished them all...awesome!! i can see u glee in pride.

G said...

Yes that constant comparison betw genders is obnoxious. but then in a country where sons and male gender in general is glorified, it may be good that in some families it is believed that the girl child is no less than the boy.
Anyway, contradictions contradictions! :)

You follow big boss? Some patience you must have! :)

PNA said...

Our society is so manipulated n confused, comparisons are the norm, I've lost hope for a revival... at the centre is the girl-boy question...

An article in TOI centre page this saturday by Sudhir Kakar, has some very relevant points, I found them a little extreme but they are still valid... on marriage n rise of the so called independent woman

cya Renu

Shrutzz said...

so TRUE renu, son TRUE! I could somewhere relate to what you said about "LIKE BOYS" and why do the Indian society always say this?
The gen now is a lot different, but still few things never change in this Country.....

about the other points you mafe, about choosing the right husband, trust me Renu, its really considered odd for a boy to live with his In-laws and I can never even dream about my hubby living with my parents even for a week :(((

aBOUT MY POST, you asked whats cowbeans...hmmm not sure how to explain have taken the picture and posted in my Blog...In karnataka its very famous during this season and can make varities of dishes. yummmyyy ones!!!!
My parents do some karnatake style, while my MIL does in Andhra style...check the pic in my blog...
Its called AVAREKAI in kannada.

April said...

Nice writing! I enjoyed throughly. :)If God ask me what do you want to be in next birth...I would proudly Independent,sincere & kind hearted woman! :)

Renu said...

Rush:NO:), I dont feel happy with these thoughts..I feel proud of the way my children are....though there may be minor glitches, but more or less I like the way my daughter has turned out..earning well, and maintaining a good house, and harmony with inlaws, though a lot of credit goes to her husband also.

G:Till the day we learn to be good human being only, we would never be impartial.
Movies and books are my main hobbies and then TV shows..since I have plenty of time, and cat sit idle for a second:)..

April: You have your head on your shoulders..intact:)..You are right in your thinking, just be like that, there would never be any issues.

Shrutz: why shruti why?..specially for those girls and parents who want equality:)....Thats why I say, that we are different but good as we make a harmonious family there has to bhe some rules and there is no harm in following them, as long as they dont impinge on your personal freedom.

I have seen here also written averakai..may be its same in tamil also, going to ypour post to chk it.

Chanz said...

i agree with what you said... This is the time when gender biasness shouldn't exist but somewhere deep inside, i kno that instead of dimnishing, it is increasing even more. Talking abt girls wanting guys who earn more. That is crap. Girls dont want that. Their parents do. The guys parents want that. Ego problem.

and if you talk about peolpe who say, "My daughter is like a son".. I hate these kind of people the most. Why the hell do you want your daughter to be like a son. Can't she be happy the way she should be..

I shouldnt be saying this but even my grandfather wanted a boy.. instead of me... since I was a girl, he always made me wear guys clothes, he cut my hair short.. took me to a men;s parlour... I have seen my mom suffer... My mom made me wear nice girly clothes when he wasnt there... Sad it is. But it still exists... I had short hair till class 10th. Unfortunately, I was always taught to speak like a guy. For example.. Main aa 'gaya' hun.. instead of aa 'gayi' hun... that makes me sad...

and today when he pats my back and says that it makes him happy that I have studied more than any guy in the entire family.. i feel happy too... But when he adds that I have proved to be his grandson, i come back in the sorrow state. I have a younger brother. Infact he is the only son among all the kids in that generation. And he is the only one who gets a gift on his bday... Who says that we have moved on.. That gender biasedness does nt exist... It does exist..

Bedazzled said...

i think a lot of us have reconciled to the fact that the inequality will always be there .. We r not a matriarchal society.. all rituals always place more importance on the guy, which is ok because a lot of dont care too much about things like that ..but sadly,even in workplaces,where equality should prevail,a woman is never treated on par with a man..

Shalom said...

I saw that episode of Tere Mere Beech mein, Shilpa & Bipasha it was. Yup, Farah Khan was over-emphasizing on how they're like sons. But then I guess in a country where women are still largely second-class citizens, the change in mindset will be a slow evolution. Then like you point out, there are some people who have "evolved" to the extent that they take advantage of men! Ultimately like you say, just be good to everyone, all biases will be automatically corrected.

Renu said... are right, but I suggest that we cant remove biases by asking the girls to behave like boys..... to come up, they need to excel, be good, and for god's sake dont try to emulate the bad things.

any under privileged person comes up in life by virtue only.

Even when my daughter was born, my father wanted a boy, but then she was also loved and pampered so much , and still she is so loved by whole family that she might be more special than boys.

It is woman only who can change these biases and with good intent only.

Bedazzled:..This part I find real sad that at work place they are not treated at par. But then I want the girls also never ever to ask any special treatment anywhere, and work equally hard,then sometime in future we will certainly get what we deserve.

Shalom: That episode was so jarring to my senses....... One thing I find very frustrating that when I meet people they say very proudly..we dont differentiate between girls and boys, our girls are like boys to us.....herein itself they are differentiating.If I didnt have any son I wouldnt hesitate in saying that I miss not having a son, the way all my siblings say that they miss having a daughter.

Sandhya said...

Interesting post, covering so many issues! Gender bias will be there for some more years, Renu! Only education will improve the situation, which is happening slowly!

Smitha said...

Interesting post, Renu.

I find this concept of equating girls with boys inorder to emphasize how great they are, very irritating. As if a girl needs to be 'as good as a boy' to be considered important. I think such reasoning comes because the society tends to over emphasize the importance of men. Unless both sons and daughters are seen to be equally important - such things will continue.

About girls wanting men who earn more -I think girls are quite open to men who may not earn as much - but it is the men who find it difficult if their wives earn more. As for men not staying at their wives place - I don't understand what the fuss is about. I love it that my husband enjoys staying at my place just as much.

I love the fact that I have a daughter - because I always wanted to have a daughter - and I do not in the least feel the need to have a boy. But my daughter will always be my daughter - not a daughter who is like a son.

manju said...

Great post, Renu!

Yes, I've noticed, too, that sme people have a habit of saying 'like a son' when they want to compliment a girl. It will take some time for habits to change, it seems!

Congrats on the Blogadda Tangy Tuesdays' pick!

Renu said... posts are always so dispersed in all the directions, thats the way my mind works:)

Education and right perspective both are necessary to bring a change.

manju: we need more time, better education and unbiased mind:)

Thanks, but I know nothing about that..let me check:)

SG said...

Nice post. Gendar bias is not right. It is sad still it happens in society.

Renu said...

Smitha: Yes , slowly girls are opening to this, but then men's ego gets hurt, plus its our society also, it makes them feel ridiculous.

and then I would like to say that even girls cant have their cake and eat it too.

For gender equality, we dont need to give girls more importance..NO..we need to love boys and girls me my son and daughter both are very important, nobody more, nobody less, unless they make it so by their behaviour.

SG:Gender bias is sad,but we people are of the reservation mentality:)..for equality we dont need to emphasize ANYBODY.

PNA said...

Renu.... ur post is one of tangy tuesday picks this week... Way to go:))))

Dreamer said...

You are so right about the "like a son" comment. I understand that while people who make the comment may perhaps be having good intentions, it sort of trivializes what they are trying to project, namely a woman's strength.
Enjoyed your post, especially they way it had so many topics to read about :)
Congrats on the Blogadda Tangy Tuesday pick!

Renu said...

PNA:...:):):):)..good to be there, though I dont know who recommended me, to me its good to get some recognition, but it is better to have good readers who become friends.

Dreamer: This like a son not positive, it shows that their back of the mind they miss having a son, but are coward to acknowledge it..I really appreciate those who say so openly..we miss it rather than hiding behind those statements.

Madhu said...

Renu!Thanks for droppping by my blog.A tamilian eh?? Well i am one..just asked.The post that uve written is quite thought provoking! well its an unwritten rule in our societly that girls dont get their due!! But the scene is definetely changing now..lets hope that the best of it comes out!

Deeps said...

Brilliant post,Renu! "My opinion is that to bring equality in this world we will have to change our thinking.." you said it all in those words. Totally agree with what you.

As for BB3,I'm losing interest now. I've always found VIndoo teh most irritating of the lot and every time he gets nominated I wait for him to get evicted. But he is saved for some reason. This makes me feel the show is losing its genuinity.

And,congratulations on the Blogadda pick :)

Sandhya said...

Congratulations, Renu! I am so happy that this post of yours got the award! This is too good!

Renu said...

Madhu: welcome here !..I live in Chennai and love Tamil language:)..I think that should make me half tamilian:) what say?....In my family I changed the scene, my daughter can vouch for that, but I would never ever underestimate my son even:)

Deeps: Even I have lost interest in BB3 but now -a days there is a dearth of good shows, so its just a time pass.

Thanks for the wishes !

Sandhya:Thank you Sandhya! me one big benefit is that my views will reach to that many more:)

Manasa said...

Nice post..!

Just the way guys expect, gals also expect the same from 'em. :) Is it not?

Renu said...

Manasa: Thanx:)...boys never got their expectations:) and girls are also expecting impossible.

Deepti said...

I agree with your thoughts on that girl boy thing...i am about to get married..through an arranged way...and believe me....these confusions still bother me at times there are contradictions in mind....but i guess the only way out is by thinking through them and forming a firm thought process...

Renu said...

manasa: expecting is not the proble, but girls must do their part:)

Deepti:.. The contradictions are always there in the its necessary to have an open mind and our goals in life clear..if one wants to live happily, one shouldnt be rigid and have a broader perspective.Equality for the sake of equality doesnt work...doing the duties always brings you the rights.

Wishing you a very happy married life!!

Anonymous said...

Very good phrase

Dreams of parents

Now a days counselling and admissions are going on for colleges, so I see parents fretting around and always talking about reservations and...