Sunday, September 19, 2010

Effects of marriage

AmritaTagged me  by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you`re uncomfortable. But do answer.

Has marriage killed the girl in you?
Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
Are you still in love?
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?

What does marriage do to you?

Since the journey of my marriage has been a long one.to be precise 35 years,it will take me some real thought to think about it.....Has marriage changed me..yes in some ways, I was the one famous listener, and marriage to a totally same type of person turned me to become a talker:)...Otherwise our home would be a silent era. And in many other things I have grown as a person, since i got married very young, I was an impulsive,hyper ,rigid and righteous to the extent of being very adamant. To me everything was in black and white, grey never existed, now I think its most of the grey, I am still righteous, but have learned to be flexible.But I was very naive, and even today when I see girls being so manipulative, saying something and doing the other thing, I wonder, do they teach this also in colleges today. I always say what is in my heart,even living with inlaws hasnt changed my mindset, I cant manipulate people.

Marriage nevr killed the girl inside me, rather  I bloomed...all the things I couldnt do before marriage, I did after ..like watching all the movies in hall:) and learned so many things, as my life partner always encouraged me and supported me in all my hobbies.

Dont know whether I should term it as programming, but yes after marriage one learns to do something for others also. I do many things, just because they make my hubby happy..all the time I cant think what is making me happy..its always family.I have always put my family first than me, so none of my ambitions or ego, nothing comes before them. And I have learned to take everything in my stride..plus and minuses both.like earlier in my life I couldnt do many things due to the constraints of finances, then children and their education, and today because of my old MIL,but thats a part of life, when I enjoy all the privileges my husband provides, then I must take the responsibility also willingly...I know of few girls who enjoy the privileges citing it as their luck, but dont want to take responsibilities

Love means different feelings for different people, and to me its never unconditional,,because I dont think I could love my husband if he didnt care for me, so its always reciprocal, and in arranged marriage it grows with time..as a different understanding comes.I have been conditioned to the thinking that marriages are forever, so the moment I completed my Saptpadi, I was bound to him in a sacred bond which I could never think otherwise, and we have certainly matured with time..both of us, I just wish that we had this insight earlier:)
Being disloyal, never even came to my mind,I cant even think of it, nothing could ever tempt me, I told you I am a very righteous person.To me strength of character is the first quality one must have, and this is what i have inculcated in my children too.

Marriage has given me two wonderful children who give me maximum pleasure and pain:).....and a partner who may have many priorities in life, but i am very important to him and he to me.Life is never perfect but it is good.

I wouldnt say that journey has been full of pleasure only, it had its own ups and downs, but I am happy that we managed them and reached where we are today.

38 comments:

The Bald Guy said...

Cancelling my blog post for today and replacing it with a link to this one.

Hope it's alright.

The Bald Guy said...

Done. Here's the link to the post.

http://desigheeandcoffee.blogspot.com/2010/09/has-marriage-killed-girl-in-you.html

Passionate Goof said...

Wow! You have said it so beautifully Renu. For my bit, no I don't think marriage has killed anything in me, infact I would say marriage has nurtured me. When we grow up, we have to take up responsibilities, no doubt about that, can't confuse that with marriage. I think motherhood is something, that ensured I truly metamorphosed into a woman from a girl to a woman, that is one place, where I will permanently be the adult.

Dr.Antony said...

There is no single recipe for a successful marriage.But there are many things we can do.You can easily work trivial arguments out. All it takes is acceptance and tolerance, as well as good communication plus personal effort.Making major decisions as a couple lessens the strains in your marriage.
Keeping up the romance is a difficult thing.Often after we have kids,we tend to forget other priorities,like spending intimate times.One cannot be disloyal,if contented.It is when unhappiness brews,that people think of diversions.
I don't know what happens to a girl after marriage.But men definitely change.They take up responsibilities,and often stops fooling around with others.

Kanupriya said...

You're such a matured person Renu, loved reading this post. I think relationships were much simpler when people used to accept the other person as they were. Your thought echoes the thinking of my mom, despite being from this generation, call it my middle class upbringing that I have been instilled with similar thoughts by my mom.

Renu said...

The bald Guy:..No No there cant be any problem:) ..Infact I am happy to spread wings:)

Passionate goof:.Thanks.most of the time marriage is conducive to growth, except only in few cases.

Dr. Antony:You are so right..marriage with itself brings lots of responsibilities..and so one has to change.

Kanupriya: you know Kanu.we middle class people are always refered to whenevr there is an example of morals.so I think we are best:)...Arranged marriage may stuill be good if we change a little bit, and can bring lot of happiness in the family.

chitra said...

What a wonderful post, why? the answer is your straight forwardness, your love for your hubby and family is all reflected in it. And the narration superb!!

~G said...

Even if you havent tagged me:
Has marriage killed the girl in you?
No. On the contrary I made a "Boy" out of the husband :P

Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Yes, thoughts pertaining house chores and maintaining new post marriage relationships. About other things, I think I was quite disciplined right from the beginning.
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
No.
Are you still in love?
You bet I am ;)
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?
I am fond and loyal. Whether I am loving or caring is for the Boy to decide.

What does marriage do to you?
Dont know how to answer that. Cannot frame in precise words.

Amrita said...

You finally did it! And I am so glad to read ur post... hmm and i was very happy to read it.. since u say i am kinda like u.. i hope i can write similar things when we have moved thru time :)
keep us in ur prayers Renu

Chanz said...

Renu I am so glad I took out time for catching up with everybody's blog..

When I read things like these, I get stronger and my apprehensions about what my life will be like after marriage somehow get reduced.

SG said...

I am glad you have a very happy married life. 35 years! Cool. Pray God for another 35 years like this for you.

NRIGirl said...

Good one! Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Miles to go before I sleep...

~NRIGirl

Babli said...

Thanks for your lovely comment.
In my opinion marriage can be successful if there is proper understanding, commitment, belief, adjustment and truthfulness. I am enjoying my married life very much and I wish everybody should enjoy each and every moment of their married life as its really a great feeling. Wonderful post.

माधव said...

nice

Renu said...

chitra:.Thank you Chitra!! why dont you take up this tag?..

G; I forgot the tagging part:)Nothing makes me happier than seeing the girls who are happily married..bless you!!!

Amrita: You are my type..just better than me..if girls like you are not happy in life, my faith in goodness will go, so you are always in my prayers:)..wish you an everlasting happiness!

Chanz:..:).as I told you earlier also, marriages are not perfect, they are made perfect by the partners and it needs sincerity and dedication and involves some hard work

SG: Thanks for the wishes!with time love gets real and deeper.

Babli:.you have rightly stated the comandments of marriage,if only the people understand it. Wish you the same happiness all thru your life!!

Madhav: welcome here!!!

Tara said...

oh I felt so happy reading this post.. This clearly depicted the kind of person u r.. It was surely a peice to think as we had only started the journey !! God bless.

Dreamer said...

A thought provoking post, Renuji. To answer your question, no, marriage has not killed the girl in me and I am sure that nothing ever will. For the other questions

Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds? - Yes,but that's because I've grown older and wiser and has nothing to do with my being married.

Or are you simply calmer? - Nope, was always of this disposition.

Are you still in love? - Sorry to sound sappy after 14 yrs of marriage, but, the ans is yes :)

Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal - I think I am. I really do hope that I am :)

Gouri Guha said...

Renu,I like the honesty that reflects in your words.
There is no guideline, no books or pages you can go to and refer to make your married life happy. It is all about individual adjustments, love, attitude and the way to bear and shoulder the responsibilities that comes when one is married.
Your thoughts are so close to mine,I feel you have clarified most of the points the way I would have done.
Enjoyed the read.

Smriti said...

Love your perspective!

Renu said...

NRI Girl:Wish you all those mile journey be a happiest one:)

Tara: Tara Journey is always a pleasure if you are prepared for it:)

Dreamer:...Sorry to sound sappy after 14 yrs of marriage, but, the ans is yes :)..loved this line..I wish you remain that way all your life.

Gauri Guha:..Those who can shoulder the responsibilities in life always fare better....and Marriage is a big responsibility.

Smriti: Thank you darling:):):)

up↑take said...

Nice! Actually, more than nice. It was like a refresher course on the best of Indian values. The positivity in you is quite inspiring.

manjujoglekar said...

Loved this post, Renu!

I particularly liked your view about taking resonsibilities willingly.

SR said...

Renu, reading the blogs after ages! This is a beautiful post...its very re-assuring for people like myself..I have seen so many cases of people not really happy after the marriage but when I read your post I felt like there are always good examples too - like yourself. Thanks for sharing.

Renu said...

Manju: Thanks Manju!!..dont you see today that every person wants to take selective things only, whereas marriage or husband they are always a package..

SR: I am so happy to see you, I was missing you and couldnt find you, now I will blog roll you.
Marriage needs lot of working and some adjustments are mandatory, today people see marriage with rose tinted glasse3s and want to take the fun side only and then problems come.

Nisha said...

Such a thought provoking post ! Allow me to share this with others.

Nisha said...

Such a thought provoking post ! Allow me to share this with others.

Chanz said...

you have been tagged..!!

Check out my blog

Renu said...

Nisha: Sure Nisha..I would be delighted.

Chanz: Thanks..coming there.

Madhu said...

Renu, nice post. Come Oct, it will be 3 years since we have been married. Everyday is an adventure :)
Last weekend my husband and I met with a motorbike accident. I am in bed for the past 1 week and he is feeling so guilty that he got away with minor scratches. he has been taking care of me so well that i started to think...our love for each other increased by 10 fold.

Bikramjit Singh Mann said...

awwww
35 years WOWOWOWO COngratulations just a few more and golden jubileeee yayyyyy party time ...

BEAUTIFUL

I loved your replies .. hats off to you mam ... I shall pray to god many more beatuiful years your way
and yes in last when you say ups and downs well that what life is ...
Excelllent...

Bikram's Blog

Renu said...

uptake: Thank you so much! I have always believed that we have a good culture, but we dont understand it properly.

Madhu:I feel so happy to see that you have a happy marriage with good understanding, but then you are such a nice operson that it has to be..wishing you a fast recovery!!!

Bikramjit Singh mann:.One has to be really lucky to be able to celebrate golden jubilee:)
Thanks for the wishes!.The day we learn to take both.good and bad in our stride, we learn to love the life itself.

Bikramjit Singh Mann said...

just Bikram would do :)

Bikram's Blog

up↑take said...

my comment went missing.. i had nothing but good words to say

Renu said...

Bikram: OK:)

UPTAKE: I am sorry for that..even if you disagree for something, I never ignore the comments, they are my guest and always welcome:)

rama said...

It was so nice going through some of your blogs. Your blogs make sense. To some extent I agree with what you have to say, but in certain things i may differ a little bit, but never the less, it is always interesting to have connection with people of varied interests and opinions.
Well we will keep in touch by visiting each other's blogs.
Wish you a very happy diwali.

Renu said...

rama: Thanks rama!..I welcome both agreement and disagreement also..rather I look forward to other's point of view as it enhances my perspective.so please share your views.

Happy Kitten said...

Read this post only today..

How well you have expressed! Even for me marriage is something similar to what you have written.

Agree totally with the following:

To me strength of character is the first quality one must have, and this is what i have inculcated in my children too.

Renu said...

happy kittne: Thanks for reading my old post....I keep writing about the same values, same things again and again, because thats my life:)