Lately I have read on many girls blog many things which I feel that they are confused about, instead of writing long answers there I would like to write all about taht on my blog WHAT i THINK........
Someone wrote..its a choice whether we want to live with our inlaws or not, nothing wrong or right with that or no crime in not loving your parents(inlaws of course)
I say..there are many fields in life where we have no choice, parents are nor chosen and if one is very particular then before marrying check inlaws also and only if you find them to your liking marry, otherwise dont..Second suppose the parents also exercised this option of choice and didnt do anything for their children where would they be..today the boys who are well established and educated.attract the girls, but will they be there in the same position if their parents didnt work hard for them....and will the same girls like them then? .are they there without any contribution from their parents?
Yes if inlaws are bad, then issues must be sorted out keeping in mind both the parties...I would anytime love my daughter inlaw to come to me and say that ma I dont like this or I like this,and I will try my best to fulfil her wish, as children's happiness is paramount to parents. but I would never accept if she talks rudely to me.....politeness is always demanded, I dont know whether I command it or not.I totally reject this concept of commanding etc, because in that case in the eyes of DIL ..inlaws wills command respect only when they are dead...my BIL always says that whatever you do for your DIL, it will never be enough for them, they will always say....अभी इन्होने मेरे पैर तो धो कर पीये ही नहीं हैं:) ......so if you believe in family values and importance of family its better to be polite and a little disciplined...I feel that it is more important than loving,because not many can love inlaws..its fine, will not disturb the balance but bad behaviour will do...Dont hide your bad behaviour behind this commanding bussiness.....even some great people were also not respected by all or their inlaws.
And about boys not liking their inlaws and it not making a issue....its because in a patriarchal society, boys dont live with their inlaws but a girl comes into a new family, seondly still boys are treated as VIPs in their inlaws house..may be because they are guest there whereas bahu is a member of that family..I know that I am entering a dangerous territory:) as the new girls are going to bombard me with their equality theory:)
Most of the problems come because of no communication, we never communicate our desires or wishes simply,.all the time we are either blaming or complaining. and living with parents is not a joint family..joint family consists of one or more brothers or sisters family living together..its a western concept where family means husband wife and children...I am yet to see any boy writing that he would like to live without his parents, though I read a few who said that they would like to marry a girl who would live with their parents...and girls dont want to see the writing on the wall, they deluge themselves thinking that the boy will love them whatever they do.and of course here I am taking about normal families, not aberrations.
And there is a solution for everything..some girls think that after marriage one has to work too much and she is taken as a domestic servant, asked to cook all the time...this is not the scenario anymore..if both are working, they need to workout between them how will they share the housework, but if girls are housewife...like my husband, my son, my brother all work out side for more than 8 hrs everyday, so if their wives demand or look upto their husbands to share their work its not proper and justified for those who demand equality, yes if they willingly want to share its their choice.
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I dont find doing work in my own home demeaning,its my fort and I can do whatever it needs, why is it that working in a office even if one is a steno is dignified but doing your housework is not, being a personal assistant to some stranger is very important job, but being the same to your husband or your MIL is insulting........
..isn't it a irony that we can work under anybody outside and feel proud in taking orders from a stranger,if he/she scolds us we are prompt in saying sorry, we dont talk back, even if we say something its with utmost politeness, but inside our home we deny our inlaws even a simple desirecourtesy,leave aside their orders, reply them rudely, talk back frequently...We need to do some introspection.
.we can be courteous and kind to total strangers and say we are good human beings, but we are very rude and impolite to our inlaws..are they worse than even strangers? why?..
when we talk to our boss, our temper never gets better of us..we have that much control, but when we talk to 0ur mother.inlaw..( mano na mano boss to woh ha ghar ki)..we loose temper and say whatever comes to us why?
I read so many blogs and girls talk about everything good....
being kind to environment
do some charity work
donate
kind to animals
give time to social work
look after the poor
they have a responsibility towards society and country everybody( but nothing towards their husband's parents) etc etc....why invest all your energy time and nature outside..why not inside?
but when it comes to inlaws they are most uncharitable, lazy, unkind why?..think about it..if you want to be kind to human beings , animals and environment, but you cant be that to the parents of your husband..why..try to be all that at your home first..charity begins at home..and It can assure you a happiness rare to find......give some of your time, and your heart and you will see that investment multiplies many fold and returns are unprecedented.
A family is a boon..ask the people who dont have how they miss not having close relatives,but those who have it take it for granted. Nothing comes free...free things are not really worth it also..so make efforts and see the change.Today girls are doing so well in everything then why not in this aspect of life.....
Someone wrote..its a choice whether we want to live with our inlaws or not, nothing wrong or right with that or no crime in not loving your parents(inlaws of course)
I say..there are many fields in life where we have no choice, parents are nor chosen and if one is very particular then before marrying check inlaws also and only if you find them to your liking marry, otherwise dont..Second suppose the parents also exercised this option of choice and didnt do anything for their children where would they be..today the boys who are well established and educated.attract the girls, but will they be there in the same position if their parents didnt work hard for them....and will the same girls like them then? .are they there without any contribution from their parents?
Yes if inlaws are bad, then issues must be sorted out keeping in mind both the parties...I would anytime love my daughter inlaw to come to me and say that ma I dont like this or I like this,and I will try my best to fulfil her wish, as children's happiness is paramount to parents. but I would never accept if she talks rudely to me.....politeness is always demanded, I dont know whether I command it or not.I totally reject this concept of commanding etc, because in that case in the eyes of DIL ..inlaws wills command respect only when they are dead...my BIL always says that whatever you do for your DIL, it will never be enough for them, they will always say....अभी इन्होने मेरे पैर तो धो कर पीये ही नहीं हैं:) ......so if you believe in family values and importance of family its better to be polite and a little disciplined...I feel that it is more important than loving,because not many can love inlaws..its fine, will not disturb the balance but bad behaviour will do...Dont hide your bad behaviour behind this commanding bussiness.....even some great people were also not respected by all or their inlaws.
And about boys not liking their inlaws and it not making a issue....its because in a patriarchal society, boys dont live with their inlaws but a girl comes into a new family, seondly still boys are treated as VIPs in their inlaws house..may be because they are guest there whereas bahu is a member of that family..I know that I am entering a dangerous territory:) as the new girls are going to bombard me with their equality theory:)
Most of the problems come because of no communication, we never communicate our desires or wishes simply,.all the time we are either blaming or complaining. and living with parents is not a joint family..joint family consists of one or more brothers or sisters family living together..its a western concept where family means husband wife and children...I am yet to see any boy writing that he would like to live without his parents, though I read a few who said that they would like to marry a girl who would live with their parents...and girls dont want to see the writing on the wall, they deluge themselves thinking that the boy will love them whatever they do.and of course here I am taking about normal families, not aberrations.
And there is a solution for everything..some girls think that after marriage one has to work too much and she is taken as a domestic servant, asked to cook all the time...this is not the scenario anymore..if both are working, they need to workout between them how will they share the housework, but if girls are housewife...like my husband, my son, my brother all work out side for more than 8 hrs everyday, so if their wives demand or look upto their husbands to share their work its not proper and justified for those who demand equality, yes if they willingly want to share its their choice.
.
I dont find doing work in my own home demeaning,its my fort and I can do whatever it needs, why is it that working in a office even if one is a steno is dignified but doing your housework is not, being a personal assistant to some stranger is very important job, but being the same to your husband or your MIL is insulting........
..isn't it a irony that we can work under anybody outside and feel proud in taking orders from a stranger,if he/she scolds us we are prompt in saying sorry, we dont talk back, even if we say something its with utmost politeness, but inside our home we deny our inlaws even a simple desirecourtesy,leave aside their orders, reply them rudely, talk back frequently...We need to do some introspection.
.we can be courteous and kind to total strangers and say we are good human beings, but we are very rude and impolite to our inlaws..are they worse than even strangers? why?..
when we talk to our boss, our temper never gets better of us..we have that much control, but when we talk to 0ur mother.inlaw..( mano na mano boss to woh ha ghar ki)..we loose temper and say whatever comes to us why?
I read so many blogs and girls talk about everything good....
being kind to environment
do some charity work
donate
kind to animals
give time to social work
look after the poor
they have a responsibility towards society and country everybody( but nothing towards their husband's parents) etc etc....why invest all your energy time and nature outside..why not inside?
but when it comes to inlaws they are most uncharitable, lazy, unkind why?..think about it..if you want to be kind to human beings , animals and environment, but you cant be that to the parents of your husband..why..try to be all that at your home first..charity begins at home..and It can assure you a happiness rare to find......give some of your time, and your heart and you will see that investment multiplies many fold and returns are unprecedented.
A family is a boon..ask the people who dont have how they miss not having close relatives,but those who have it take it for granted. Nothing comes free...free things are not really worth it also..so make efforts and see the change.Today girls are doing so well in everything then why not in this aspect of life.....
57 comments:
Very well expressed - this is a subject that attracts the most diverse views. I suppose our generation is traditionalists, and todays generation is looking at everything other than traditions to make a mark for themselves. Your arguments are very convincing and make sense. I will have to read this again sometime later.
Very true. People making a show of their compassion to animals and immediately blaming India and Indians - I ask them if they are vegetarians - "nope". Today the talk is about how America has so many teens getting pregnant while we don't have that choice in India. What can we answer them?
ur every word is a teaching indeed for a new comer in house..really really delightful to read this
Hmm, very nice post, and thought provoking. Interesting too what you say about people being all too willing to work hard, have self control and do good things outside the home but not insides...suggests that the motivation in behaviours is perhaps more maintaining a good image than doing good.
JP Joshi;..I think that today's generation sees only what suits them and convenient...and accordingly they become modern and traditional...I can give many examples..see how many children like their parents flirting or having relationships..GF ,BF, and how many would encourage them to go to pubs...
I value your comments, so read it again and give me feed back:)
Prerna:Thanks Prerna ! if some girls realise this, my job is done well:)
WWOW:..yes it shows that they can behave well only either when they are under pressure to do so or when it is in their self interest..and they do give more importance to career than family whatever they might say.
Well addressed and explained. Its all about the mindset i believe. I am working too so had gone through all that you expressed. Its not that we have 'what can I do for you at the office' alone. defenitely at home too but never acknowledged. But the post was really thought provoking !
Ohw thats truely awesome ! Out of your experience you had shared a lot. I am working too. I just want to add on something. Its not true that we have "what can i do for you" kind of attitude at office alone, at home its never acknowleged. If at some point you get frustrated and you burst out thats considered as biggest flaw forgetting every single thing.
Its all upto your mindset I believe. but very well addressed !
I will always love this subject....interesting post Renu....I want to go back and read this again...
I live with In-laws and its very subjective what each one thinks on family ties and In-laws ( especially). Personally there are compromise and adjustments ( at times I don't like it and maybe at times My In-laws) but we have managed to live without any issues and fights....Its possible, only if you are ready to bow down and go with the flow....
I personally don't even want to hear my age girls talking BAD about In-laws or whatever, unless its very genuine....I have no options, so I need to work this out...
I absolutely agree with you on family being of utmost importance....but why should the onus of maintaining the balance rest on the DIL?
"its better to be polite and a little disciplined...I feel that it is more important than loving,because not many can love inlaws".....If there is no love, how can there be even an inkling of desire to be polite, Renu?
Family is a boon. agreed Renu. and communication is the most important thing for beautiful relationships. These days there are pre-conceived notions in almost every body, wrong notions which mostly lead to problems... much of which are anticipated! Even freshers come in with a view that seniors are there to rag them, and they complain even when a polite question for a name is asked....
Hummm.. a post which made me think so much that I am tired. :) At the cost of sounding critical and maybe rude too i must say that your post is generalised and hmm a bit biased. I have been reading so much on this topic from the senior generation that I think i should compose a DIL and a youngsters view as a separate post.
Hope u dont mind my comment, I am being frank as i would with a friend.
I appreciate for your excellent, interesting and thoughtful post. You have portrayed very nicely the fact of our life. Each and every word depicts the truth. Keep it up!
Jayshree:.I am not saying that onus is on DIL..but since most of the bloggers are young DILs and they keep ranting about inlaws, so I wrote all this in response..some senior women blog, but they dont write about their DILs problem much may be from a fear of alienating them.
Today I see that MILs are compromising more that DILs..
Politeness has nothing to do with love..we dont love outsiders but we try to be polite to them..its a human trait only and we must excercise it to everybody..if you see an old lady outside..you would like to be polite to her..isnt it?
PNA;..communication and desire to keep the family are two most important things and both are lacking today..if we think that we have no choice, but to keep the family intact, may be then only we will make efforts.
Babli: Thanks:)
Amrita: You need not to think so much..this post is not intended to make good ones think..thats the problem..ones who are doing wrong never thing, and ones who are in right start thinking more..No one is perfect, its all about making adjustments and bringing a balance..few posts by youngsters I read and I thought may be i can put a perspective to it...because I always think that this generation is very intelligent but a little misguided, thats why so much of conflict.
Tara:..I agree, if Seniors dont appreciate then they are also at fault, and they will realise it sooner or later...its not with inlaws, its everywhere that whatever you do is forgotten whenever you dont do something, its human tendency...and if sometimes one is taking out the frustration..either one must offer a sincere apology afterwards, or try to control the temper..because bad words are like the wounds which never heal.so try not to give them to your family.
Shrutzz:You are doing the right thing, Be firm in your resolve and you will get umpteen rewards in your life later on...Bowing and bending..one has to do everywhere..nothing so unusual..better to do it with a family, rather than either with strangers or live without a family.
I dont disagree with a word you say but I have this fear. I dont want to live a life of a slave.
I don't know how my husband will be like (I am a pure arranged marriage person).. But I dont want to ruin ma life which god has given me.. Trust me, I am the kind of person who would not let my husband do any work (that is what I have in my mind) but if at all things dont work out good between us then I wouldnt do everything on my own... I wont. Maybe u wont like me when I am saying this but I dont want to become a slave. I will do everything for my husband and inlaws, provided they love me and support me..
Ya no one is perfect but such posts do make one think if one is doing enough, whether there is room for improvement and did knowingly or unknowingly commit those mistakes. Cos its never good to hurt someone....
Chanz: my heart goes out to young people like you who are scared because of some really bad people..I can hope and wish you a very happy married life..and never be a slave to anyone, being good doesnt mean let anyone exploit you.
First thing that empowers a girl is being economically independent, so make sure of that and then only marry..from the beginning be good and nice to everybody and think of them as a family..and have a talk with the boy before marriage..it helps a lot to understand each other's expectations from marriage.
I wish you all the happiness in your married life.
Amrita:..if you think so much about not hurting, then you will not hurt anybody, hurting intentionally is bad....but there is never any wrong in introspecting:)
I know one thing only..saying sorry is never bad.specially to your elders..u get blessings only.
thanks Renu ji. It is just that its almost time for me to get married. 2-3 yrs is all that I have in hand... Max.. :(
Very interesting thoughts! It is true that communication can ease a lot of tension. The problem is that children feel that parents will be hurt if they point out the parents mistakes and nowadays even parents take extra trouble not to upset their kids. So all this resentment is kept inside, simmering ready to explode.
that was really excellent post madam. :) very interesting points you have said..and yeah..communication can sort anythins..I belive in the powerof communication
What goes around will come around someday. This is what I know and what I strongly believe in.
chanz: You have changed your profile pic?..its lovely....Marriage is not something to be feared about..I got married when I knew nothing, couldnt do even much, whereas today girls are so intelligent, and economically independent..what is there to fear about?....Faith in goodness and yourself helps you in sailing all the time.
Sorcerer:..Communication is the key to everything.
Sparkling: true ..but when the concerned people are family we wish them all the happiness today and tomorrow....
Family is a boon. Each one of us should try his or her best to live together.
Informative and interesting post on different view points.
its all about making adjustments and bringing a right balance to your life.
Excellent post, addressing all the issues. Must b an eye opener for many of your followers.
Dreamer: parents are more hurt when they erupt like volcano...anything said in a polite and respectful way never hurts more than later on fighting or accusing.
@ease..welcome here !...yes life is all about understnading and compromise..the problem is that today inlaws are persona non grate..girls will do everything for everybody but nothing for them.because they have made up their mind that they inlaws are bad, they dont deserve it and their husbands will still love them..whereas all these assumptions are wrong.
Chandrika Shubham: ..Thanks for appreciating it..yes thats what i want to say.
Very well expressed
Excellent post
Dear Renu,
Good Evening!Thanks a lot for your comment to my post.
When girls and boys earn well and gain confidence to stand on their own feet,when they start enjoying the freedom which they have never experienced in life before,arrogance and pride creep in.
For a change when Achu and Ganesh prefer to stay with the family.they don't like to move out.really great!the marriage was on 22nd January.
The right culture,the value based education,the strong traditions of our country should be imparted right from the beginning!
But one learns the real lessons from own experiences!
Wishing you a wonderful weekend,
Sasneham,
Anu
Very well expressed. I second every word.
hello and welcome here..please tell me your name as cant read Tamil:)
Thanks for appreciating !
Anupama:..You are so apt in your comment..we must instill the values very young, otherwise this vicious circle will go on..
I am so happy for Achu and Ganesh..my best wishes to them for a happy married life.
SG:Thanks !..Just hope that young girls read it and take it in the right way:)
This is a sensitive subject and I am not experienced enough to give my opinion. I didn't have parents in law when I got married, just 3 sisters in law and 2 brothers in law. Except one sis in law, all others are close to me.
My sis in law's daughters in law...some are close to her, some are not. She has got 4 sons. With all the back-biting, life goes on. Somehow all of us are close to each other. These things will be in every family. We ignore half the things and life chalta hai without much tension!
Sandhya:..Backbiting is always there in some relationship, but everything must be in limit, when some one says that they dont want to have anything to do with inlaws or something like this..then one has to think about it.
Let me start by stating the rule that I follow: "Love and Respect can't be demanded, they need to be earned." It goes goes both ways whether it's MIL or DIL, FIL or SIL.
"...I am yet to see any boy writing that he would like to live without his parents, though I read a few who said that they would like to marry a girl who would live with their parents..."
It's an unfair question. You are asking boys whether they want to live with their parents and not parents-in-law. If you ask girls the same question (If they want to live with their parents), they will answer affirmative too. And for argument sake, let's ask boys if they will be happy to live with their parents-in-law and see how many answer in affirmative.
"like my husband, my son, my brother all work out side for more than 8 hrs everyday, so if their wives demand or look upto their husbands to share their work its not proper and justified for those who demand equality, yes if they willingly want to share its their choice."
again unfair. You are comparing an 8 hour job 5 to 6 times a week to at least 10-14 hours job (depending on number of members living in family) 7 days a week, 365 days a year. No vactaion, no salary, no help and most importantly, no respect.
"..isn't it a irony that we can work under anybody outside and feel proud in taking orders from a stranger,if he/she scolds us we are prompt in saying sorry, we dont talk back, even if we say something its with utmost politeness, but inside our home we deny our inlaws even a simple desirecourtesy,leave aside their orders, reply them rudely, talk back frequently...We need to do some introspection."
A work scenario is completely different. The relationship there are far more formal to start with and the relationships are more client-expert or more commercial. Your company pays to do a certain job. Messing that up simply means you are not worth paying for and you can get fired. Families, on the other hand are way personal. The "scoldings" are way personal too unlike job scenario. And then there is no payment, minimal perks and on top of it a temper from in-laws? So unless you have "earned" that love and respect, I don't think you will get it.
"mano na mano boss to woh hai ghar ki"
Really? And then you wonder why DIL loose the temper? That's the attitude that I refer as demanding respect instead of earning it (Please don't tell me that your only claim to respect is producing a son). I am sorry ma'am, but you aren't getting my respect. Just because you have grown older, doesn't necessarily means that you have grown wiser.
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Hi Renu mam,
Hope you are doing good...This is priya...
I like this post of yours...as everybody said its one with diversified opinions...
But there are some things which i have observed...In Laws some times become so possessive about everything of their culture (this is only in regard to love marriage) that they cant accept the other culture at all...I dont understand then why do they say live the way you want to...we wont object your cultures and then starts a war..
There are many things i observed:
They dont want to stay with their kid when he was alone and far but marriage happens and from the next day you want to stay together with him ???
when they got married they thought i wish i can settle my kitchen accordingly...they dont give freedom to their DIL to do so...
You might say how does these matter...Todays generation thinks so...what we expect is that understand us...give us some space and then observe that space you have given in some matters gives back everything you have ever thought off...what i would say is any inlaws should introspect once that when they got married what is that they thought...and it would be the same with our generation also...and this statment holds true even for the future generations also...time never matters at the end a girl thinks like a girl only...
Priya.
Hi Renu mam,
Hope you are doing good...This is priya...
I like this post of yours...as everybody said its one with diversified opinions...
But there are some things which i have observed...In Laws some times become so possessive about everything of their culture (this is only in regard to love marriage) that they cant accept the other culture at all...I dont understand then why do they say live the way you want to...we wont object your cultures and then starts a war..
There are many things i observed:
They dont want to stay with their kid when he was alone and far but marriage happens and from the next day you want to stay together with him ???
when they got married they thought i wish i can settle my kitchen accordingly...they dont give freedom to their DIL to do so...
You might say how does these matter...Todays generation thinks so...what we expect is that understand us...give us some space and then observe that space you have given in some matters gives back everything you have ever thought off...what i would say is any inlaws should introspect once that when they got married what is that they thought...and it would be the same with our generation also...and this statment holds true even for the future generations also...time never matters at the end a girl thinks like a girl only...
Priya.
Richa: welcome here! ..this post was intended for young girls like you only and I am happy to get some real reaction:)
now let me reply...
"Love and Respect......yes you are right, but elders give love,and youngsters give respect.
"Love and Respect..you misunderstood my point..so many girls say they dont want their inlaws but as the norm is, girls only go to sasuraal and have to live with inlaws, so this question comes for them only, I wanted to say that..no boy could love a girl who dislikes his parents wholeheartedly...and yes if the society changes , thent tomorrow all these issues will be faced by boys also..but today girls are there and ...get it clear my dear, you cant make a boy out of nothing and I am not sure many girls want a boy without a family, so why want it to dissappear after marriage?
All housewives lie when they say they are working long hours..outside work is done continuously , whereas at home one takes things lightly..I am a housewife and do evrything in the house, still it doesnt take more than four hours to finish everything and relax..whereas those who work outside dont relax in the office.
Your company pays to do a certain job...you mean to say that payment by money is more important than all the love and care one gets from a family...who doesnt eulogise the mother?...if you work hard for a family..you get enough respect and love and care...yes its not monetary, so cant measure in exactness, there is no weighing, so less or more might be possible.
So unless you have "earned" that love and respect, I don't think you will get it........if we go into this bussiness of earning,neither inlaws will get respect, not DIl any love..I believe that elders must love and youngsters respect..both cases dont need any deserving thing, they get it by their relation.
(Please don't tell me that your only claim to respect is producing a son)..here you are getting personal,but still I would reply that its MIL's claim due to being an older person..not for son's mother or daughter's mother...I dont differentiate in gender, but not like girls who do it selectively.
I am sorry ma'am, but you aren't getting my respect...that is your sanskaar..what can I do? mere sanskaar yahi kehte hain ki bado ki izzat karo aur choto ko pyaar.
and by Boss I meant the senior most person..according to me theoritically the senior most person is the head of the family,whether you like it or not.
Anonymous: please give me your name, and I didnt even understand what you want to say
Priya:..Nice to see you :)
In Laws some times become so possessive about everything of their culture (this is only in regard to love marriage) that they cant accept the other culture at all...-----
yes priya it is wrong of them..but think it from their side..at their age it is very difficult oto become so flexible..accepting other culture needs a very strong personality and where the children are concerned, most parents the most insecule lot..so I can say only this thing..give them time, initially follow them, later on , you can bring them to your side.
They dont want to stay with their kid when he was alone and far but marriage happens and from the next day you want to stay together with him ???...................it is because they enjoy a girl in the family,..I will tell you one incident of my life..my son wanted to take me to Niagra, but I didnt go, I told him that I will go once he is married, then there is one more woman, plus two of them can talk in front and I will rest in the back seat without worrying about my son who will be driving:)
when they got married they thought i wish i can settle my kitchen accordingly...they dont give freedom to their DIL to do so...
Yes some people are still stuck up in that time frame and it is not right but a middle way can be brought out.....
...give us some space and then observe that space you have given in some matters gives back everything you have ever thought off..... this line of yours is a gem..but not all girls value the space given to them.its like those who dont get it yearn for it and those who get it dont value it.
..what i would say is any inlaws should introspect once that when they got married what is that they thought..............
But priya I always think about all that, may be i will write fully in another post, what I faced after marriage, and then how behaved with my DIL...I wanted her to have everything I didnt have.
in the last do you have a blog?
I again reiterate love and respect are earned and should not be demanded just by virtue of age, post or any title. At least I can't respect a person (any person) who don't earned it.. I don't respect people just because they look old. They have to deserve it and you are right its not monetary, however its a virtue which not everyone have. So unless you deserve to be respected, you can only demand it and not always get it.
As for me trying to get love of a boy!!Ha! I am sorry, I am not dying to be married or try any of them to accept me or whatever girls seek from those megalomaniac boys. I am happy not to have a guy in my life ever and hence won't have to deal with things like these anyway. So guess your blog isn't intended for me after all. I love my freedom, my independence too much to give it up for a life long servitude. And I certainly don't think that value of woman lies in getting married, doing house work and making her in-laws happy and yes procreating.
As for sanskars and culture and tradition: I am not a big fan either. I can be impertinent, unacceptable or whatever..but at least I am happy.
Richa:...Tell me one thing..do you love your parents...
if yes then why?
Do they have to become evolved, understanding and get all the virtues to get your love and respect?
and does tthe parent love children for their virtues only...
NO..certain relations demand them or may be they are inbuilt.
You are happy today, but tomorrow you will need a family and to maintain a family one needs certain qualities also...
marriage is not about bad things only, it gives you a life long companion and immense happiness also.
Just rememebr me after ten years.
"its a choice whether we want to live with our inlaws or not"
OMG!!! this is the dialog that concern most men, men always wants a spouse who take cares about their parents, but i don't agree it to be a choice it should be more of a responsibility, will they not look after if they were their own parents?
Manjunath: eactly thats the way it is..its not a choice..one doesnt choose responsibilities in life..without doing one's duty you are living like an nimal..I want to say this thing to these misguided women..yes to me they are completely misguided if they think that they can get the love of a husband even if they disrespect his parents...
Before marriage..girl and his parents go by the standing a boy's parents..their family and their stability, and after marriage they want the parents to dissappear...so convenient na?
Hi Mam,
i do have a Blog..But its still in the budding mode...but for sure when ever i publish it i will surely give you the link...
I am not saying its time and things and everything...I would put it in a different way...
Let me ask you one question...
Take an hypothetical situation of a marriage (let it be any marriage love or arranged or same culture or different culture)...the basic point where i feel the frustation comes is...
Do MIL and FIL think that the change they want to see in their DIL or what ever way they want her to be...How does it feel for her parents...? Do they actually think that...Not only MIL and FIL do husbands think that way?
They wont...mere ghar walo ko bhura lagega...arre shayad mein aise karungi jab mere mummy papa aayenge tho unko bhura lagega...this thing goes on in the mind of a girl everytime...
I would say this all as a generation gap...My kids tommorow when get married they might think otherwise only...So its all about accepting rather than adjusting...
But the only thing i regret is that in India which is beautiful in everything...Boys parents still think that they are above than Girl parents which i dont like..
At the end everything boils to how to keep your heart pure and keep accepting people the way they are...
I am not sure whether i can comment on any others comments over here...But i would say one thing..
Richa: It takes years to build a relationship and a second to destroy it...so the wise thing is give in years and build a relationship...for sure it will reap fruits coz any plant which is just born never gives a fruit or a flower or will look beautiful immediately....
Priya.
this is my blog mam...I could not resist publishing it now...
Of course there are very less posts in it..ha ha ha :)
priya.
Hi,
How many men who commented on this post...stay with their MIL and FIL...at least for 3 months a year...
Who ever dont stay..this applies to you...You dont love your MIL and FIL...You dont care for them...You dont have sanskars..You dont know how to respect elders...all that you have ever said to a girl who denies the same applies to you...
Remember love and respect never get judged whether you stay with them or not..so stop being typical males and judge that girls are bad who dont want to stay with their in laws...
Why not take a bigger flat get them to your place all of you stay at one place...na na...you will never be able do it right...
THink think...then you also dont like your MIL and FIL and dont love them...stop blaming girls...start doing some thing...
Priya: I wanted to comment on your post but couldnt.as it is restricted,. was a fabulous post with a very clear thinking.
Priya: Priya I have a daughter who is married, and I feel very proud when she adjusts to her inlaws and live hormoniously..and I have a DIl whose parents come and stay with her whenevr they want..I make them feel comfortable as much as I can..and I can say this much only that I jel much better with my DIL's mother than her, as she is of my own age, we have similar likes and dislikes.
But in a patriarchial society, literal equality cant be acquired and wont be fair even..this is a total different issue and needs to be talked in detail.
In a family we dont think that if I am blind then you should be blind....family means..love for each other..and since a girl comes to a family, she has to take to that family and vice versa..girls parents dont come into the picture at all, except if and when the need arises, boys should also look after their inlaws, but in day-to-day life, there is no need to compare, it will bring unnecessary stress only.
How can you even compare parents with parents-in-laws? You are comparing a 30 years of relationship with a stranger's relationship whom I have just met!
And those 30 years mean they had enough time to earn my trust, love and respect. True as a kid you don't realize meaning of those words but as you grow and starts forming your own views, that's when you evaluate every person around you, including your parents and siblings (people usually describe it teenage rebellion phase: but that's what it is). And yes, there are people in this world who don't love and respect their parents and are happy to move out as soon as possible from their house. So to answer your question, yes my parents did have to earn that love and respect, at least in my case they did. I am not sure how other people think or if they even think while leading their blind-sighted life. But I have always questioned everything around me, including my parents.
As for me being unhappy in 10 years from now: I don't get the logic of me getting married now and be miserable now and 10 years from now as well. Even if I am going to be miserable in 10 years, like most of you elders predict, at least I would be happy now. Why ruin my happiness now for something that might or might not happen in future?
I am not too sure about those life-long companionships and "IMMENSE" happinesses when the other half is always dictating the way I should do things, including how I should or shouldn't dress, my hairstyle, my friends, my career, my money...almost everything. And I know there are boys, as you would put it, who would grant me my freedom: You see that's the supreme irony. It's my freedom and its not up to anyone to grant it to me or give me permission to have my freedom, not the life-partner and definitely not the in-laws.
As far as remembering you after 10 years, ma'am...I have heard that one quiet a few times and have been hearing that for past few years. Well so far I haven't had the occasion to remember any of them so I don't think I will be remembering you either.
Hi Mam,
Sorry the comment moderation was set to the wrong choice and thats why you could not post.
I changed it now.
Thank you
Priya.
Anonymous: first of all if you have courage of convictions name, then dont hide behind anonymous.
How many men who commented on this post...stay with their MIL and FIL...at least for 3 months a year...
For this you will have to bring a drastic change in society and chnage it to patriarchial to matriarchial..and if you are unmarried, beforew marriage only state all your views and marry the one who agrees to them...secondly take a barat and bring your groom to your home instead of going to his home.
Who ever dont stay..this applies to you...You dont love your MIL and FIL...You dont care for them...You dont have sanskars..You dont know how to respect elders...all that you have ever said to a girl who denies the same applies to you...
I have replied..change the status..bring a boy home, or marry a ghar jamai.
Remember love and respect never get judged whether you stay with them or not..
here you are right, but only if you dont stay together because of circumstances,but if you dont want to ,then your respect and love for them will be judged
so stop being typical males and judge that girls are bad who dont want to stay with their in laws...
Why not take a bigger flat get them to your place all of you stay at one place...na na...you will never be able do it right...is that fesible idea...will everybody would like to uproot, can all of them work at one place, if one has 4 siblings then where the parents go?
THink think...then you also dont like your MIL and FIL and dont love them...stop blaming girls...start doing some thing...
You are missing my point completely..I say..noobody can love their inlaws much but be civil to them and maintain certain decorum..and demanding literal equality is a very biased demand, because girls dont do half of the bargain even..I have written many posts on it, where I can show you the mirror...think of marriage as a happy occasion , family bonding, not a bussiness proposition to balance the scales, then only you will bring happiness and will be happy.
Richa::):):):) you sound like a petulant teenager...I would never ever like you to be miserable ever..I want to see happiness, whether it is mine or others.
and my dear freedom comes with lot of responsibilities and if you shirk from them you will never be free mentally.
You are thinking like that becaus eyyou have no guy in your life, once you fall in love and then I would like to ask you all these questions again.
Priya: now I will chk your posts again:)
Brim over I acquiesce in but I contemplate the collection should acquire more info then it has.
Like I read some where "the human being is the only species where the parents cling on to their off springs even after they have reached adulthood"
In India its one step ahead, we cling on to them even after they are married !!
Haddock:..its not clinging my dear..its looking after the parents..and by that children are not doing anything extra...because if you dont fulfil your duties in life you are not fit to be called a human...we are not animals..we are human beings..civilised people, we must have sensibilities...this word clinging is so humiliating to be used with parents...we must respect our parents and widf we cant do that we have no right to be called..educated or evolved or progressed or anything...there is only one difference between aninal and man...our sensibilities.
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