Tuesday, June 19, 2012

LIVING TOGETHER

Recently i heard  a woman of a young boy saying...now a days I feel afraid of what will happen, when he marry as no girl is interested in living with inlaws...

True, but has anybody thought why this mindset happened...it is because...

Parents wouldnt let the couple decide about their life,day to day living,everything has to be asked from them and done thru their consent only.

Parents think that sons are there to do and give only, if they are successful then its because of their parent's sacrifice only, so they need to repay everything with interest.

Since parents are experienced they know everything better and have a right to advise and be listened to..

Whenever children go out they must take their parents too..because they couldnt do all these things only because they devoted all their money and time to children

But now when they are suffering are they ready to learn the lesson...

I feel that for parents its enough if they can live with the children, more than that they they shouldnt desire anything..

for a happy living and happiness in the autumn they ......

Shouldnt think of interfering in what the DIL should wear, when should get up, what should they eat, where they should go or how they should bring up their children, they should only demand that they are given their choice of food at their time and looked after in illness.and their all requirements are fulfilled

Dont demand them to do certain social obligations, leave them to decide with whom they want to maintain or not and whatever they want to give, its their choice, if you have money, you can do that your self and if not, then dont bother.

Dont expect them to take you with them, rather dont go with them all the time, If you are financially and physically able to do, make your own group and do the trips,otherwise be happy to stay at home.and derive satisfaction from watching your children and grand children enjoying life...and growing up.

Never ever give unsolicited advice and dont accept responsibilities you cant perform..saying no is better than feeling bitter.Dont become the caretaker of house and children, then feel dejected.

Devote your time in spiritual pursuits and social service instead of worrying about relatives.

As far as culinary satisfaction is concerned, first in your age you cant digest heavy food, so believe in simple food,dont be a complaining type,everything has its time and place...You have passed that time...

satisfaction is the key to happiness. those who dont have it, bring unhappiness to themselves and others.

One thing I Strictly believe that whether children care for their parents or dont, its their choice but they dont have any right to disrespect them and speak rudely.period...its non negotiable

Living with parents has its advantages for the children too...grandchildren have someone in the house when parents are at work.
While going for vacations, house is not vacant making it a target for burglaries.
Whenever someone is sick there is help available from loving persons.
And above all the satisfaction one derives from doing his duty towards his parents cant be measured in words...



27 comments:

Ash said...

Absolutely. Its a royal pain living with self-serving and interfering in-laws, I am not surprised why women want to avoid it.

Because everyone has different concepts of how to live life and manage things, I think the only solution is for a couple to live separately, so there is no scope for conflict with either set of parents. Both sets of parents may receive equal importance and are to be care for with equal love and dedication.

NOBODY has the right to dictate to a woman what to wear or how to manage her home or interfere in her way of doing things.

Sensible and mature advice from well wishers is welcome, selfish interference is not. Advice may or may not be taken, the freedom of choice lies with the woman, and in laws have to respect that.

And in no case do they have the right to think that the son is their sole property. He is a man with a life to lead. It is up to the son to stand up and stop any injustice they may be meting out to his wife. If he cannot, then he is a wuss and not worth staying married to.

And, well... I don't understand why a woman has to give up her family but the man gets to keep his. There is no logic in it, especially since most women these days are equal contributors to the family's income and/or well-being. Merely saying that "this is our culture" makes absolutely no sense and is a stand taken by people whom this arrangement suits.

I am a very strong proponent of an individual's right to personal freedom and choice, hence the comment. :)

Excellent post, btw :)

Renu said...

Ash:I am also a strong proponent of an individual's right to freedom and choice..but to me it comes
with responsibility
we can nevr overlook the other parties concerned.

Secondly I believe in patriarchial society, it has its own pros and cons, but still its good, so I dont believe in saying that girls should get literal equality..

And if everybody wants to be free of everything, the way west proposes, do you think they are happy as a family..first parents went out, now one cant tolerate even spouse and children suffer all the time..

No thats not the way,on one hand girls want the boys to love and respect their parents, on the other hand they abhor boy's parents...how is that possible.

I dont know Ash whether you are married or not, either you are not or you got very bad inlaws to feel like that..

Having compassion and kindness is important even in families.

NRIGirl said...

Great points Renu! Hopefully someday we will make the cut for the ideal mother-in-laws!

NRIGirl said...

Great points Renu! Hopefully someday we will make the ideal Mother-in-Law s...

:)

Neha said...

This is a very apt post. Agree with every word. These things that you listed out are really so simple, but will people ever understand. Parents don't want to be instructed or told anything about their lives, but will always interfere in that of their children's and particularly their DIL. The worst thing is the mindset in which children always remain children and never grow up for them, even if they are 40 years old and a CEO of a company!

Anonymous said...

This advice is worth its weight in gold. One can see why you have been able to maintain loving family relationships in your life. IMO, it is the hardest thing to achieve.. and it is really the most beautiful and satisfying feeling to have peaceful, content relationships with family and relatives.
In my life I have really missed a happy family environment where not just imm. family but your parents' brothers, sisters and our cousins are also loved and have good relations.

Bikramjit said...

I agree with all the individual rights and all that pallava but I also agree with you that one doesnot have to be rude to elders .. things can be sorted by talking too and politely tooo

Bikram's

Irfanuddin said...

well...i also plead for every individuals right to freedom.....buttttt it should not be at the cost of our parents.....after all who will look after our old ailing parents if we leave them alone, more than any thing what they need is our concern for them......

i m married for last 13 yrs, staying with my parents and believe me our kids can't even imagine living without their Grand mother.....i think thats how relation develops.....

rahul aggarwal said...

very well said Renu ..

i agree with you on almost all the points !

Renu said...

NRI: Anone who is a good DIL today will make a good MIL tomorrow.

Neha;yeah I know..my daughter keeps telling me..mama I am 30 now:)..
Neha ..parents advice should be taken with a kind heart.just listen to them, do what you like...

Anonymous:.what is the meaning of IMO, as soon as I wrote it, it clicked to me..in my opinion..:)
I cant say I have done everything right or the results have been very good, but I believe in learning at every stage and doing right whatever the outcome.

Bikram: exactly, but to tell you frankly, not many girls want to solve the problem, they need an excuse to get rid of INLAWS.

Irfannuddin: wish there were more families like you...
Without taking the responsibilities, we cant get the ultimate satisfaction in our life.

Rahul Aggarwal: Today I see more boys suffering due to girls arrogance than vice versa.

Ellen said...

In the bible, it says that when a man and a woman come to marry they become as one. And begin to live separate lives from their respective families. Because it has been laid down too in the book that parents are simply stewards of their children and in no way do they own them. And in no way should seek payback for all the trouble they took to raising them up.

But it is also stated in the Ten Commandments to 'honor your father and your mother'. So then children should accord the highest love care and respect towards their parents (both sides) in all the seasons of life.

Love therefore becomes the basic and strong foundation on which such relationships should stand on.

With love as its core, there should not be any problem at all. Because love is kind, noble, giving, thoughtful, considerate, understanding, forgiving, generous, and respectful.

Blessings to you and your family.

Ash said...

I'm not married, no, so thankfully don't have a bad set of in-laws to contend with :) I'm actually not even a feminist, but I don't quite agree with a patriarchal society and I do believe in all-round equality.

You mentioned that 'on one hand girls want their husbands to love and respect their parents, on the other hand they abhor boy's parents...how is that possible'... Well, I suppose there *is* a reason why most single girls are apprehensive about staying with the husband's parents, and it stems from so many *negative experiences* we see and hear about.

Now, men usually don't have the same degree of interaction/intervention w.r.t wives' parents, so the same reasons for being apprehensive or disliking the girl's parents can't apply to them :)

Compassion and kindness, and even compromise, are all indeed very important in families, but shouldn't these come from both sides for a loving relationship to develop? Not all in-laws are interfering, unreasonable or selfish. There are plenty of good people out there too. Even so, everyone's thinking differs on how to he or she would like to live life. If the in-laws have a certain way of doing things, one must remember that the girl has her ways and habits too. What can be gained by disregarding them?

Some of the happiest families I have seen are those within which married children have their own establishments, yet care deeply for both sets of parents and give them all their love, respect and support.

Moreover, why compare ourselves with the West, their system has some good points and some bad, just like ours does. Its all is a question of individual opinion, and what each person can or cannot live with.

ashok said...

agree.

zephyr said...

Today it is only freedom and individualism without responsibility. I agree in toto with the point that while girls want their husbands to respect their parents they don't care for his. It is all tit for tat -- for someone else's sins, another one pays.

Aa's Mom said...

Hello, I am a new reader. I am so happy to read this as I also feel very strongly about this topic. Luckily, I have wonderful parents-in-law who do not interfere at all. I believe the trouble starts when you do not have enough to occupy your time. If you have your own friends and social engagements, you tend to think less of trivial things as what is being cooked today or what someone else is wearing, is that not so?!
Do visit my blog when you get the time!

Renu said...

Ellen: Love in intself is a very complicated word, I havent been able to define what is love and so many times duties and love interchange each other.


Ash: so as you say girls marry with a preconceived notions, but why? whn so much has changed, cant inlaws change too?

Even men dont like inlaws, its only that they are not vocal about it.

And yes comprise and adjustments should come from all sides,
Do you think it is easy on a mother's part to accept and take a new person in the house and his son's life..she does the biggest adjustment when she takes her, as so far her son's life centred around her and suddenly one new girl is his life..
She shares her child with a new person..

I dont believe in letting the parents live alone and then saying they love and support them..in the old age parents need support in their day.to.day life, not weekly.

I compare only because youngster follow their ways.

Ashok: Thanks!

Zephyr:yes, doing injustice to remove injustice is not the way to solving problems.

A'MOM: Welcome here!yes a free mind is a devil's workshop:)

Ash said...

Renuji, with all due respect, there is one thing I don't agree on... :) after a girl gets married, her parents live DO without their child. What if her parents don't have any other children to support them? They (as elders, too) would have to manage alone then, won't they? Why must only the husband's parents be entitled to live with the couple?

Renu said...

Ash: Your aprehensions are true..but wherever parents have only girls, they also live with their daughters..nobody denies them this right..it will be even inhuman not to care for them and that shouldnt be done..but boys parents get this advantage because a boy takes a baraat and brings the bride to his home..(most of the times his parents home)..the day girls start taking the barrat, may be traditions can be reversed...but any such radical reversal will bring its own problem.
There will be always some pros n cons of everything, so why not solve it as it is, as its much easier..

And to tell you I personally know many daughters who dont want to keep their parents at all..so everythinghappens.

sm said...

well written
yes both should respect each other and should give the space

Irfanuddin said...

Hello Renu,

You have been Tagged here .....

Renu said...

sm: Thanks!

irfanuddin:.Thanks for tagging..I love tags.

deeps said...

Living together always call for a balancing act… a lil bit of give n take would result in long term benefits and positive living…. But on a sad note, this also involves a lot of adjustments which isn’t enjoyed by many…

Renu said...

deeps: when youg people become a bit selfish but rememebr everything when they age, but sadly then nothing can be regained.

Found In Folsom said...

As I kept reading the post, I was thinking, all the girls are going to like this one for sure. Looks like the comments section itself is bigger than the post. Being a DIL myself in today's world, I can relate to what you are saying. :)

Renu said...

Found IN Folsom:.If the girls like the post as a whole, I would be happy:)

But yes I completely believe in what I am suggesting..

P.N. Subramanian said...

Parents are now learning the hard way.

Renu said...

P.N.Subramanian: Are they?.Better to adapt fast to the changing scenario..