Tuesday, March 23, 2010

JOINT FAMILIES

In the last post and earlier also thru comments I feel that many children want to live with parents and many want to live nearby so that they can have the privacy also and they can look after the parents also..Here I would like to share with all the experiences of my two friends.

Both have four brothers all married and all four of them live together in a big house with parents.One in Delhi and one in Pune. i am going to tell you how they mange so beautifully...the biggest point of strife is finance..so here in the beginning of every month all four brother contribute the same amount to the family kitty..( irrespective of whether their wife is earning or housewife)..this money is given to parents..they run the house with the servant.....this kitty is meant for rent,electricity, servant,food etc only...personal expenses are their own...be it parties, eating out, clothes or children's education.

Now the second part is work..and here also they have good distribution..they have servant for all the work..but two DILs look after the serving of breakfast and two for dinner( as four of them are working so these are main two times).

Now look at the advantages.....

Since they are living together, these brothers have saved a lot of money which will come handy in future and presently also they have enough to splurge.

They dont have to maintain separate drawing room dining room etc.

They can share the servant expenses .

Food when bought in bulk comes much cheaper.

Their house is safe and whenever they want to go on vacations they can go freely.

Children get the company of cousins and grand parents.

Parents never feel lonely.

and whenever somebody is sick, there are so many people to look after them.

And all their personal decisions are their own..like where to educate the children or anything else, none has either the time or inclination to impose the choice on the other.

and yes may be they have to make certain adjustments..like in food, may not be everyday of their own choice, as every body's taste has to be considered, and certain discipline but pros outnumber the cons...

But yes before living jointly one must discuss every point frankly and clearly to make the life easier, Once my husband lived in France sharing his flat with a friend and my H is very shy in matter of finance, so his friend took a jolly ride..he lived there with his wife and two kids and my husband all alone but they shared everything fifty fifty, and whatever in the house was damaged by his children..like mattresses etc( their landlords are very finicky, they just replace everything and deduct the money from your security), that all also was shared, which may be right, but I felt unfair, so its better to be clear about everything

I am leaving for Hyderabad today for a week, may be I will go to cyber cafe and may be not, so please dont abandon me:)

15 comments:

Jayashree said...

All those pros are there, but there are also some cons. A lot of adjustments have to be made 'coz when so many people live together, temperaments will definitely be different and it may not be easy for everyone to get along. Needless to say, it is the womenfolk who will have to make all the adjustments and that could, in the long run, lead to resentment.

Preeti said...

Renu , we undoubtedly have many pros of joint family , especially money and support system unless one of the family members is a rotten fish and spoils the sanity of the pond ...

but if i picture it as my dad's family living together ( they were three brothers ) and how it will effect my life ...I 'll run out of that house and never come back ..

My two elder aunts are pain and conservative , my elder cousins were the kind to wear dupatta on their head all time at home and me always in shorts ..they never had guy friends ...thier life has been home-school-home (kitchen) ..thats it ..and i was always out and had friends during my growing up years ...
my parents are cool , n my realtives belong to a different era ...they would have made my life hell.

my parents were not that broad minded , it was me who during my growing up years slowly made them change their perception , had they been under influence of their bros and SIL , i would have been fighting all my life ...

so u see its not that easy ...privacy is not just about buying cloths and separate holidays , in my marriage i dont want my uncles / aunts views ..and in Bfs i dont want my parents ..and its difficult to tell people what their boundry is ..
sorry for the long comment ..i know i do sound mean at times .:)

Shrutzz said...

wow, sounds nice....
he Happy journey, enjoy Hyd!!! Shop for pearls :)

Renu said...

Jayshree; some adjustments are always made...in joint family with family memebrs and in asingle family we make them with our life style, with servants and so many others.

Preeti: first of all you dont sound mean to me at all:)
Secondly what you have mentioned is all true...but what i am talking about is a modern joint family where boundaries are clear...I forgot to mention in my post that in their families..nobody interferes with another one whether in dresses or life style...secondly join family meant where third generation are kids, once they grow up, their parents start their own homes separately.My friend used to tell me that in their family , all their personal lives are their own, they talk to each other at dinner time and BF, but they plan their life on their own..nobody has neither the time nor inclination to bother.

befoe living jointly, we need to discuss all points clearly, only then we can make a success of it.

Shrutzz; yeah I am so excited..you will be surprised that I bought all types of pearls from Hyderabad when I wasnt residing there, none later on:)

Amrita said...

Kudos to the family for having managed so beautifully, its a rarity in todays world and heartening to see this happening. I am not for or against any kinda family, each have equal number of merits and demerits. I am brought up in a typical nuclear family and could nt imagine living with in laws. But I am more or less living in a joint family with all of my hubbys relatives very close by. I have seen both sides, and no day can I vouch which is better.

Have a good trip! And come back soon. No ones abandoning you :) Rather will be missing ya :)

Phoenixritu said...

Its a lot of hard work and mutual tolerance that comes into play in joint families .... but not having the time and the inclination to interfere is the most important thing that makes it successful

Thoughts forever said...

A nice post mam..I think i once commented on your earlier post saying the same in differnt lines..Boundaries are the main part...everything else is managable..

Have a nice trip and enjoy...Hyderabad is a nice place..

Priya.

starry said...

Sometimes it works and sometimes not.I am sure there are more pros to loveing in a joint family, actually I would love to, but as some of the other readers have said it can become very nasty then the whole family unity and friendshp is ruined.Sometimes living a little far from each other is better than being too close.

Tomz said...

Very interesting and thoughtful post..
Yes..thats the best way in which people lived once..
But now people interested more in the nuclear kind family settlements..
Perhaps today's people would think that what you mentioned in ur post is Utopian..
and also happy journey..

garima said...

well depicted the scenario of typical Indian home

G said...

tagged you. :) Go see.

PH said...

Two DILs look after serving of breakfast and other two takecare of dinner, since all 4 of them are working ----- what about sons? see that's the problem in joint families all household responsibilities come on women while men enjoy watching TV in the evenings

Sparkling said...

The post reminded me of the serial 'Baa, Bahu aur Baby' :)

Have a good trip!

Renu said...

Amrita: yes nothing is good or bad in toto....its upto us only.

Thanks for the support:)

Phoenixtru:..but anything which comes easily is never worth it also:)

Thoughts forever:..yes boundaries and tolerance on everyone's part is forever required.

Thanks for the wishes..yes Hyderabd is a favourite of mine:)

Starry: yes if family is not inclined, then living apart is better..but one must give it a try.


Tomz: ..it needs a lot of hard work, but thats true of everything in life.
Thanks for the wishes!

Garima: welcome here ! and hope to see you often!

G: Thanks and I have chked:) will do it very soon.

PH:..again a feminist:)...no my dear men also have so many things to do..they look after children's home work,and give sometime to their parents.

muthu said...

A joint family does has it's pros as well as it's cons...

But I personally would like to stick with the adage --

Good walls make good friends...

the same applies for relationships-


Maybe, the friends, you are telling about, have been doing this from their birth- but I am sorry, thinking of it in practical terms and having seen a few joint families in my time- I would rather think that it's too hard for a joint family - nowadays to be maintained - and am not talking economically....