Monday, December 5, 2011

Part 2

For my last post, not many people gave their point of view, as I know that they neither can agree, nor would like to say that I am wrong...And my good friend Amrita thinks that since now I am a MIL I can think of that side only. aisa nahi ha.MILs   USED to be like that but today tables have turned....whether someone believes it or not, I cant force anyone, but I try to be always fair in life...And whenever this topic comes, most of the readers go off the point and comment on generality.instead give your point of view on THAT particular point I am raising.because in one post we cant cover such a vast and volcanic relationship of Saas bahu:)

Now i am going to tell you some real things..how today girls are behaving and you tell me ..is all that right..when we are so vocal aabout MILs terming them monster inlaws and giving them a bad name/..today being a MIlL means a meek person always looking for appreciation/sanction  from the younger lot for the myriad things she does for them..

A....she always gives her MIL stale and spoiled food, whereas she is cooking lot many things.but MIL always gets half cooked or burnt items.

B..when she was getting married.it was clearly told that boy is from an ordinary family and only son and parents are going to stay with them, but after marriage, she went on to stay separately and poor father is doing some small job to sustain himself ,........

C..She wouldnt cook for her MIL, and her food comes daily from a dhaba, whereas she goes on with her life
     normally.

D..She asked her MlLnot to eat anything cooked by her, do everything herself, though her husband is a CEO and they are very affluent, but MIL is not supposed to take part of anything.

E..She starts crying even if she listens that her Ma is having high BP or something but ignores completely her MIL who is constantly battling with multiple diseases,..selective sensitivity.

F. A girl, asks the prospective groom..how many dust bins you have?..by dustbins she meant his family memebers,,,,though obviously she was not chosen.

I know many more incidences of being cruel and insensitive by DILs.now dont tell me that may be son is at fault or INLAWS have done something very wrong..I have quoted only those examples where inlaws are normal  people..what will you say about them?

Just be impartial and tell me is all this right on part of girls?..is it okay to put aside your old parents like that, when they need you most..if we go on like this, a time will come when parents will also start being self centred, and it will be a sad day.

Yes women were victimised earlier, but we cant do one wrong to remove the other one...

.if earlier girls parents were looked down upon, then we cant humiliate boy's parents today..

Negative remedies never work for the betterment neither for people individually, nor for society..we must learnt to respect others first.

I read on someone's blog..today boys dont want to marry a girl who doesnt have brother..earlier older people used to think that without brother she will not have any peehar and all that , but one thing I know that those girls who dont have brothers have more radical thinking and sometimes not a balanced outlook, because they have seen only one side, they are fiercely protective of their parents and in a hurry to prove themselves that they are not any less than boys and in the process if some people are hurt so be it.And they are not bad at heart but they need to show the world..and assert themselves.


.

35 comments:

Cocktail Party said...

Ahhh!! No one can feel the same way for both inlaws and parents, whether its a guy or a son. Even the parents can't love their daughter in law as much as they love their own daughter. So its only natural that the girl becomes hyper sensitive when her parents are ill, and not feel the same way when her MIL is ill. Comeon!!! That is the most natural thing on earth. Who loves their inlaws as much as they love their parents? The DIL will show the same consideration if the MIL also is very loving towards the DIL. Its all about give and take!!

Renu said...

Coctail party:I am surprised that in the whole post you found this the most important point:)

its not about caring..its about being human....

Rachna said...

Are these your experiences or told to you? If they are then they are extremely bad on any human being's part to behave this way. I have a wonderful mil, and she has a really loving dil in me. In most houses, in joint families, I see mils getting due respect and girls getting love in return. If there are differences between them there are a load of reasons for that. The points you have given must be true for extreme dils. Similar points can be given for extreme mils some of whom end up even burning up their dils. I don't see any merit in this kind of bashing of "today's girls." Frankly, this is delusional, negative and hateful thinking on your part to generalize and label in this manner.

Amrita said...

I completely agree with Rachna above. Thats the thing - you tend to take sides with the party that is telling you the story. If a friend of mine complains about her inlaws i obviously find them at fault, same way when my chachiji complains of her dil, i find bhabi at fault. I never get to hear the other side of the story right?
Just like you quoted those extreme dils, i have frnds who cook for a family of 6 before they start to work at 9 and then even have to make dinner at 9pm while in laws loll in front of tv sets! Some are barred from travelling to their parents place, cos of some lame reason. Some are asked to keep pouring money to really wasteful ventures for the fancy of in laws like camcorders and abroad trips, inspite of having little kids of their own.Thats the thing, put up a case, and put it for discussion. Random generalisation is not the cure of this relationship. And it is not volcanic at all.... women are strong individuals, and dont give up their principles (good/bad) easily - hence the relnship needs ironing out. But it is not volcanic at all. It can be a perfectly harmonious and symbiotic one.

Harman said...

I dont know any of these things maybe I am not in india..
I live in joint family and MOM (mil) as I say never did that or I did anything of that kind even in dreams!
I have been staying with them since day one...it hurts me more if someone says anything against them..
I personally think its environment and being idle that ladies gossip ..mom and me we go for work and come back in the evenin g ..we are happy to see each other..
weekends are gr8 to enjoy together ..where is tyme for argument??

Renu said...

Rachna and Amrita: They are not my experiences, but to my known people and there are many more I could write..

I am sorry if you young people see it as a hate campaign, I am sorry for their perspective..I just want the people to see reason..

When i see the old ladies misbehaving with young girls, I categorically say that they are wrong and condemn them..period.

But I feel very sad that when a blogger writes so many biased views about older people and boys and family values..all the young people mostly girls flock there and love to condone, but when its about the girls, they dont want to see reason..

If you are not doing anything like that, then why are you getting angry...feel bad that there are some girls like that..feeling sympathy for the wrong people always shows that somewhere even if for 1% you identify with them..thats the reason it rattles you.

Harman: you are so right..as you can see from the comments that..on one side you just felt the feel of the post and said its wrong, whereas others took it in a totally different way..because blogging world consists of mostly young girls and in India its really a bad world there.

I dont bother about popularity of my blog, because I feel that somewhere one needs to say all these things..its not going to make any difference to me,but the misery of old people really makes me feel anguished specially when they are abandoned by their own children and believe me , all the examples I have quoted, parents have none of that harassing or interferring attitude.....

Rachna said...

And again you are clearly misunderstanding. Where in my comment have I taken up for the actions of any such radical people? I am trying to tell you that you can't generalize calling all "young girls" bad based on a few experiences that you"hear." There are a lot of dils with real bad stories too. Don't paint a single section as wrong. Amrita gave you many instances but you conveniently ignored them. Where have you seen "young girls" condoning or praising such bad behavior? I haven't come across any such blogs, and I have never ever praised any misbehavior towards any adults. I am just stating a fact that your opinions are biased and one-sided and not magnanimous as you make them out to be. When you bring up a contentious topic, you must be able to handle different opinions without getting nasty or trying to pull down the person who comments. If you like to hear people just agreeing to you then say so, and I will refrain from commenting on your blog.

A said...

Honestly I thought we are beyond these but seems like some people are still not willing to look beyond....consider humanity if not relationship....

Kirtivasan said...

Times have changed from what was earlier.
But I like the young generation. They try to be honest to their feelings and want to express themselves.
I feel guilty that we have not given them a lot of opportunities to them in terms of education and career. So I am okay with the fact that let them have fun the way they want to.

Happy Kitten said...

Man and woman compliment each other beautifully and are equal and together they make this world beautiful to live.. and that was the idea of creator, why we want to stand as two opposite sides/?....

If the above is drilled into both boy and girl, then we shall have less problems.

But I would not blame the girl entirely since she has been fighting a losing battle for years and is only now emerging.
Give her some time and she will be fine.

And I have seen good and the bad MIL's as well as DIL's.

I have seen a selfish (or immature?) DIL completely wreck a family, while leaving the parents helpless and powerless.
I have seen a selfish MIL wreck her son's family and drive him into a lover's arms.

By empowering the girl one should never weaken the man since both are necessary to create a balanced relationship.

Bikramjit said...

END of the day I beleive that both treat each other properly such situations wont arise ..

why cant a MIL treat her DIL as a daughter or as she would want her daughter to be treated in her In laws..
and the DIL treats her MIL as she would treat her own mother..

This debate on who is wrong or tight can never be brought to an end.. both sets of people exist and its wrong to say DIL's are bad or MIL's are bad ..

there are BOTH who are bad but their are good ones too..

Treat each other as you yourself want ot be treated is my MOTTO simple and easy .. My father taught me that .. and thats what I follow..

Bikram's

Rahul Bhatia said...

A MIL syndrome...

Renu said...

Rachna: no I am happy with naysayers to my blog..

but react to that particular point I am raising..why dilute that with other ills of the society?

A; exactly that was my point that instead of going into the reasons and history, I would say that certain things are done for humanity..just that, nothing else, on one side we feel like doind so much of charity and on the other side we are so cruel to our elders.why?

Kirtivasan: Even if their fun hurts others..no sir, I never condone any happiness derived thru hurting others..its not worth it.

Happy Kitten..now yours is a very balanced view and you have said ir very aptly in the last line..and thats what I feel bad about, boys are getting emasculated today...

I nevr believe in belittling someone to make myself glorified, rather in working hard to make myself better.

Renu said...

Bikram: what you say that everybody knows, but how many people follow...and basically boys or men create very little problems..its only the women:)

L KRUPAA said...

I agree with you. MILs are hardly treated with respect. From what we hear these days, DILs are more self centred, their world has space only for hubby and her parents. They adopt different yardsticks for in laws and parents, which is unfair. Many a time I think it is matter of time when too could face the same perspective, which they fail to recognise.

Amrita said...

Why does the issue rattle you from the perspective of the older generation? is it close to you? even 1%?
its just cos its easier for you to empathise with them.
Same for Rachna and me, its easier for us to understand our peers.
You are open to your judgements but such bigotry is so unhealthy.
I rest my case.

Renu said...

Lkrupa; Thanks Krupa for seeing my point of view !

whatevr we give always comes back to you.

Amrita: yes Amrita it is:)..dont get angry...

I am going to write about older one also:)..but their percentage is less..every time has its own set of problems..in 70.80s,it was MILs and today its DILs, so what can we do....times change and so the problems perspectives....

I am not saying that MILs are good, or very caring or anything, but I am just saying that young educated girls who are so sensitive to society and under privileged, can trey to be just human here...care, love ,nothing I am asking for..just be human to them..atleast that much shouldnt be denied...

And now dont get worked up..look after yourself..be happy all the time:)

Amrita said...

Oh no no no i dont get worked up, i like a good debate :)
you wont believe i even discussed the issue with hubby :) as in of course he being a guy was totally objective and yes we went to discuss a lot of un-related things
anyways awaiting the next post, and yes, do try to give both sides of the argument, that helps.

Reflections said...

Renu I read both the posts & the comments.....:-)

Ur posts tho u 'tried' to be objective were a bit leaning towards injustice meted out to inlaws.
I dont blame u really bcoz from ur & ur similar aged friends point of views & situations DILs' seem to be getting too big for their boots.

For every case u presented I can give u 10 cases where MIL's have terrorised DILs. But ofcourse I hasten to agree DILs are not blameless either.
Ok here's one..
I know a MIL who lavished so much 'love' on her grandchild that the child preferred the grandmom more than his own mom. Can u imagine the pain the mother went thru...goes thru???? Her own husband understood her pain & took the decision to live separately.

I also have a friend who never ever allows her kids to spend time with her in-laws. She allots 1 hour every week & stays there & 'watches' while the grandparents[her in-laws]try to reach out to their grandchildren.
Both are people I know and both have their own justifications.

The things is....
DILs shd realise that marrying a man doesnt automatically give her complete rights over him....like try to keep him all to herself. He didnt sprout out of nowhere, right.

And inlaws shd understand that in 'this day & age' girls are educated & consider themselves on par with their counterparts. So they shd move with the times, treat DIL's like equals[alright not like equals but atleast like how they treat their children] & not like 2nd class citizens.

Give respect and u get[infact u can demand here] back the same is my take.

"They are not bad at heart but they need to show the world..and assert themselves."
I'm so glad u wrote this last line:-).

Tan said...

Most of the DILs of today's generation are exactly the way you have described in this post.

When a girl gets married, she and her family wants only the boy. His family is cruelly discarded after the day of the wedding. These girls go to their in-laws place with pre-conceived notions and I think that creates a whole lot of problems.

Renu said...

Amrita: please tell me what was your hubby's reaction:)

Reflections: ..Nancy..in one post I wanted to write certain things only and I wanted the discussion limited to those points only..but sorry to say it doesnt happen...I just wanted to ask everyone, those who behave like this..are they right?

but people start justifying...

I didnt want to say that all MILS are blameless or good...I am asking you if this behaviour is write for girls?..why we go into all other aspects, because that could be in another post only....

My post lost its importance because very few understood my point of view....

There is no point in justifying bad behaviour,,period.

if some people are stealing does it mean we should too..or stealing becomes a virtue?..arent we saying the same thing when we justify wrong behaviour with the logic that MILs are also very bad?


Tan: Thanks Tan for understanding..

I want to say one thing to all the girls that if you dont want the family of a boy , then look for an orphan..you wouldnt have any problem...

Pratibha said...

@tan: 'MOST DIL'S OF THIS GENERATION'??I am really angered by such generalisation..Which world do you people belong to?? if anything its only the reverse..the girls' families generally treat the in-laws with excesses,showering gifts etc. as if they have done some grand favor by marrying the daughter into their family. Infact, the in-laws seem to think of such treatment as their right.
And in several cases I have seen the In-laws wanting to do away with the girls family..the justification is now you have left that family behind and 'BELONG' to this family.

But again I would surely not generalise by saying that this is the norm...just request you to get perspective.

Pratibha said...

@Renu :Hi Renu, visiting your blog after long.. and your last 2 posts made me comment.
I think when we write about an issue objectively then all concerning aspects should be touched upon. I agree with Amrita and Rachna, that your views in your posts seemed biased and were strong to the extent to looking like hate campaigns.
The instances you have pointed out about DIL behavior is in no way justifiable, they are outright mean and wrong.
But why this generalisation? And also I see this trend in your blo wherein you tend to hold the girls responsible for all wrongs. Well if it is marriage then is the boy not equally responsible for his parents' well being? Why blame the girl for being too touchy about her own parents health, is it not natural to care about your parents health?
What I abhor is this hypocrytical expectation that the girl should do away with her parents? It is both the spouses' responsibility to care for each set of parents. They are parents, they have brought us up and loved us.

Also, parents do not seem to have any objection when the son moves out for education or a job, but if married and the wife asks to live separately, even if nearby, all hell breaks loose.I think sometimes moving out is a practical decision, if you are not getting along with your in-laws or if the ILs are too interfering. It helps maintain the sanctity of the relationship.

On interfering I realise, there are seperate set of rules for both parents- Girls parent become intruding trespassers while boys parents are concerned loving parents..really strange..

Anyway, coming back to the point..I agree with you..such behaviour towards our seniors is totally unacceptable. I think the people concerned should speak with their respective sons about it and get the problem resolved rather cribbing about it to people outside. And if the Son knows about it then they are to be blamed equally.
I feel mutual respect and understanding goes a long way in helping such relationships flourish.

Renu said...

pratibha; Hi..since you comment only on particular posts, and here you will never find anything apealing beause two of us are diametrically opposite people..

I hold girls responsible because in my eyes..women is the only one who makes or breaks a home....
Boys already work hard for a living and then shouldnt be asked to interfere in the home front..
Living far away for job or education is a compulsion, so accepted though with a heavy heart, but living separately just for the whims of a wife..is betraying your family values.....yes if the parents are nasty or bad, its ok, but otherwise life is an adjustment and it shpould be done happily.

Tomorrow all these girls will grow into mothers and just rememebr one thing...all of you will have the same feelings towards your son and if god forbid he gets a girls like I quoted...you will rememebr all these things...
I have answers for all your comments, but I find the exercise futile and a wastage of time and efforts...
There are somethings in life only time and fate teaches us.

Pratibha said...

You are right Renu, we all learn from our experiences, some of them are mistakes too.Each one has our own lives to figure out waht works and what doesn't. We can't and shouldn't define anybody's role in their own lives.
Maybe my opinions are too radical for your liking but I strongly believe that husband and wife make one family unit and each one should take equal responsibility and ownership for it.Each set of parents and siblings are the immediate family and should be given due love and respect. We should be there for then whenever they need us to share happiness and pain.
Even if I do not agree with your opinions I respect them and also you for expressing them.

Renu said...

Pratibha; your type of views were common in my time because that time situation was like that, but now it has changed..and we talk about the majority not the abberations..

Everybody forms the view on his/her own experience, may be you have faced some difficult times and they have made you so radical, and since I see more of the girls misbehaving, I feel more strongly for MIL and boys.

And when you have such strong opinions, why should you bother if others define a word..DIL:)....because in my mind its always due to something clicking somewhere...

Maybe my opinions are too radical for your liking but I strongly believe that husband and wife make one family unit and each one should take equal responsibility and ownership for it.Each set of parents and siblings are the immediate family and should be given due love and respect. We should be there for then whenever they need us to share happiness and pain...nobody will disagree with this, but if its the way you really feel then why so much of negativity towards boy's parents?..thode se gifts se kisi ki life nahi ban jaati ha, why grudge small things?

Choose your battles wisely....

aap payar se kisi ko bhi apna bana sakte hain but with high handedness..aap sab kuch kho dete hain.

Renu said...

Pratibha; One more thing..girls can and have conditions.its normal, but on that blog what they were writing as conditions, that was ridiculous for me, since I couldnt quote verbatin,..I just gave the reference...

Pratibha said...

Exactly my point Renu, mutual love & respect conquers all..be it towards spouse, own parents, in-laws, friends..any relationship.
As Amrita said..what you see depends on which side of the fence you are at..for e.g. I see several female colleagues come to work after preparing breakfast and lunch for the entire family..and are expected to cook and clean again after going back..I find that to be unfair too..what would you say about that?

Also,I have nothing against gifts et al..my only point of contention is that this should apply for both sets of families. The girls side must stop thinking it to be their obligation to send gifts to the boys side..rather there should be a loving exchange of gifts or whatever..on both sides at occassions..

Renu said...

Pratibha: I have been thru that stage also:)...its totally unfair to think that girls should do everything..and you wont believe it ..but our views are formed because of our family..my hubby has been very helping to me all the time, he nevr hesitates in doing anything for me or family...so I havent seen that side..whereas I see a few girls entering the family and creating a ruckus.

My hubby, my brother, my father, my son..all men in our family are very caring and affectionate and I have taught this to my daughter too..that love your inlaws ,atleast give them respect, and nevr ever think of any gift as a burden to me, its my love to you and my traditions, rather tell me if their is some ritual, where something from my side is needed, otherwise you will be hurting me....and I am nevr happy at receiving anything from her inlaws..its not in my culture( though they do it sometimes:)
And gifts are very small things ,They are a token of love, from me to them, as thanks for giving my daughter a place in their heart...
And since a girl goes and lives with inlaws not the vice versa..this is a tradition...and yes I have neither taken, nor given any dowry.I am strictly against it..but these small gifts, sweets etc, they all make for a bonding and tradition..I love to give..and to me they are the respected family memebers , not those outcast inlaws people think....

I would still say that be flexible, and first the girls should respect their inlaws and make efforts to mix, then only they should expect the same in return..keeping a mathematical accounting of give and take doesnt make good relationships, rather think of them as the parents of a person.you love most and he is the product of their hard work only.

Pratibha said...

Renu these are beautiful thoughts and you are a very good person and parent.
Thankfully, even I am blessed with loving in-laws and my hubby is exceptional person.
I only disagree with some extremist thoughts you had put in your post. Don't you think, for these women you quoted, there would be something deeper (maybe bitter experiences) to cause such alienation towards ones in-laws?
How can any decent person behave like this with ones family without some deep rooted anger/hurt/hate?

Anyway, I am really influenced by your thoughts here..they are exactly like my Maa's :)

Happy Kitten said...

Renu: The following comment of yours made me come back to your blog :)

I hold girls responsible because in my eyes..women is the only one who makes or breaks a home....

... if the above is true, what was the husband/son doing?
Why is he willing to discard his parents whom only he knows well? Why is he not willing to tell his wife gently that she ought to respect his parents?

I am writing the above because I have seen such men. The one who takes his wife's word for everything and later discards his parents and siblings. If the son does not respect his parents or fails to understand his parents, then why blame a girl who just came into the family?

I have seen situations where the DIL after the marriage possessed the son completely... where she assumed that he was parachuted down to earth on the wedding day! Here I dont blame the girl entirely but the also Son who forgot his parents.

Marriage can be very complicated... it is not an easy relationship and every individual in the family needs to pitch in to make the relation work. Blaming only the young girl who steps into an environment that can be very alien to her will never solve issues.

Renu said...

Pratibha: Thank you pratibha! I couldnt get a better compliment(comparing with your ma)

May be they were hurt, but always try to solve the problem, and for bad behaviour there is a limit, one should nevr cross that, .dont love,dont respect, but be human...

Happy Kitten: men can nevr make a home, and I have seen that many girls are so rigid and adamant that they nevr listen to the husbands.and dont leave any choice except.for them either take a divorce or...
and divorce is not a option for the boys, sometimes their parents only say that they will tolerate everything for the sake of his son's family.

Leave aside gently I have known many boys who have tried all the ways but to no avail..they come with preconditioned mind.

Happy Kitten said...

Renu.. I still say woe to these boys, who hurt their parents in ways more than a DIL can ever hurt them.
Divorce is not a solution and when parents are hurt even they seldom think of a divorce.
They are more hurt when their son fails to understand them.. when he is ready to fall at the feet of his wife and her family while ignoring the cry of his parents.

It is not the girl alone who make or break a home.. it also needs a boy with a steady mind and heart.

ahh... this world is full of contradictions and there is never one solution to a problem :)

Jyothi said...

OK. I am extremely late in commenting here. :) I read both the posts and comments together and to tell you the truth I am totally confused. I agree with A. I thought all this was done with. I don't see many joint families these days and in a way it is better like that. Let the children fly the coop. They will visit or call often if they really care. If they don't then you visit or call them often. :)

As far as financial help, like when the dil made the son move out, can't they send money monthly to them? But most parents these days don't need support!

Renu said...

happy kitten: you are right, but sometimes situations are so complicated, that for boys also there is no way out..its either divorce or live like that and even their parents dont want the divorce, will rather live without son.

Jyothi: Thats what i suggested:)because this set of parents need financail support too..you know Jyothi..every day I get to know one incident where parents are suffering due to complacent sons and monster DILs, if I write all of them, I cant write anything else..so this situation is not gone, very much present and more so..