GUIDELINES FOR MODERN DAY PARENTS

I keep reading everywhere that why there are all the instructions and protocol for the children, why not any one for elders , parents and in laws, so i thought why not? lets have one which will appeal to them, and as it is giving advice, comes so easily to us Indians.....ask anyone whenever a match is lost..everybody must be telling you how the strategy of the captain was wrong, and how the batsman didnt cut the ball, and how the fielder lost the catch..so easy to play the game sitting in your drawing room:), its like discussing realistic movies and poverty in India over Champagne and caviar:), so here are the guidelines for parents and elders, take it at your own peril, the product is not guaranteed:)

You are born in this world to take care of your children only, so do it well, dont have any other thing in your mind or life.

A child is an individual by birth , so respect them ..even at the cost of your self respect:)( you shouldnt have any).

Before telling..no telling is a bad word..asking your children to do anything, tell them all the reasons and logic, but of course dont expect them to justify their actions.

Give them all the freedom...This is a free world and you may be sued for slavery, But of course if they do anything wrong..its your responsibility and duty to take care of that.

If they want to take all the decisions of their life without your consent..let them take...they are right , its their life, and dont ever say that...hamaare time me aisa hota tha..times have changed , but remember only for them, not for you--if you ever express a desire to become modern., dress fashionably .......then listen to them saying...live according to your age or..are you out of your mind?

They have every right to compare you with their friend's parents who...pamper their children silly, give lot of money and freedom, but you have no right to compare them with other children...u r spoiling their personality by continuous comparison.

Dont ever expect anything from them..obedience or anything else......You havent done anything special..all parents do that for their children,They have already given you a lot..by being your children.

If you are extra caring and protective...you are suffocating them, stifling their life, but if you dont, then you are indifferent..you dont care.

You may suppress all your dreams for their future, but they cant kill a single desire,an outing or their daily routine even for you, as it will be ruining their life .

and all this for the sake of being called a parent..the word means a person totally selfless and devoted to children.

List is endless..will keep adding:)..even you may add...

next part for inlaws:)

Dowry decoded

I have seen many people demanding reservation , sometimes for women or under privileged for bringing them equality. But I feel that asking for privileges and then saying we are equal is a total contradictory. The way we say that respect is commanded , not demanded( though in certain situations it is demanded), same way we cant demand equality, we must command thru our abilities and capabilities.

We always feel the need to have laws and rules for everything and think that may be then change will come but change has to come from within..For example everybody decries dowry but but how many people...

Say no when it comes to marry their sons, ,,why dowry is bad only when you are marrying daughter?

If we start thinking differently and instead of giving all our attention and money for marrying our daughter, we educate her, let her stand on her own feet..economically and then think about marrying a person who is like minded, educated with a good character, not with a fat package or status parents....yes, if you see the parents of girls, they and the girls themselves are also at fault..while marrying they want a boy from an established family with fat salary, why cant they depend on their own capabilities to earn and be satisfied with what they earn...

The change has to be all around..Dowry is not a gender issue or economic one..its social thinking...greed for free money,materialism and respect given to rich people...so we have to change all that, bring goodness to life..its not all about money and social status...big villas and cars...The day we learn to pride in taking only what we earn thru hard work..no freebies from anyone..we will rise.

Palace of Illusions....Chitra bannerjee Divakaruni

Palace of Illusions....Chitra bannerjee Divakaruni

I had given the requisition of this book two years back to my library and now got it....very interesting book. It is the story of Mahabharata from the side of Draupadi. The story starts from her birth and ends when she dies. I has many lessons for today even...She goes to an Ascetic and told three thing which she should be careful about..like dont always speak your mind, dont get too angry and dont laugh at somebody as they may bring catastrophes in your life and family. And the same thing happens..In her Swayamvar, to save her brother, she insults Karna,and in return she loses him (in her heart she always loved Karna) , and makes him an arch enemy of her husband.Then she laughs at Duryodhan and sows the seed of destruction, and last in her Vastraharan, she takes a vow of not plaiting  her hair till Dushasan is dead..In the same way all incidents are there due to some reason, and its always karma  and everything is explained very well..worth a read..

Sunset Club..Khushwant Singh
Its the reminiscent memories of three old retired friends, one Mr. Sharma, another nawab saheb and third is a sardarji who i feel is khushwant singh.As usual its a bawdy description of their life and exploits.

Read many more books .like James Patterson's and some  Indian writers, but nothing worth mentioning..please suggest me some good books...

Do parents differentiate....

I read on a fellow blogger's about her two daughters asking--mama whom do u love more?and it stirred in me a host of memories from my childhood to my kid's, like when we were young we four sisters and one brother and whenever my dad came home and called any of us, the one who was not called will sulk..................you never remember me, dont call my name, you are all the time calling her only and all that..........while in a big family its never possible to call all five in a go:)
My poor mother was always accused of partiality among us, some were called her favourite and she had to bear the brunt of that।Of course as e quite common in Indian families sons are given more importance and on top of that my brother came after 4 sisters, so he was always the VIP,but since my brother was very cute and gentle even in childhood and today also is a very caring person and we all sisters also love him too much so he was not there in sibling revelry.My sisters feel that somewhere they were differentiated, but I never felt like that and still feel that all parents do their best according to the circumstances and times they are living in.

When i had children, I loved them and still love them more than my life,but my daughter will say---u always love bhaiya more, he is treated as a VIP and all that blah blah;;;;;;:)
my son will say----guria is mom's moppet,she will always favour her, mom cant see anything wrong with her,(गुरिया तो मम्मी की चमची हा)...........:)
Poor mom...............she is left wondering;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;On top of that I am given a dressing down from my H also that I have spoiled the children too much.Even today both my children want me to go their place and it becomes a difficult decision where to go...it may look like favouring one over another...which I never do..

Now I have full sympathy for my mom and have realised that----
If a child is very naughty, he will get more scolding but that doesnt mean less love:)
If a child is more laborious and good at work, will get more appreciation,and appreciation is not love.
Parents always love all the children equally, its only that they give more of scolding, appreciation,their time, money and efforts where they find them needed, thats it.

MY response

Today I got this forwarded by a friend....

(Son to his father)

Dear Pop,

I am very sorry to hear about mom’s ill health. During my last visit I had asked her to get her check ups done regularly and she had nodded in affirmative and this news is real shock to me. I could sense the distress you are going through my dear Pop and I really wish I was there with you. My presence would not make any changes in the situation but would give you some support. 

I spoke to my seniors and they have refused to give me any further leave as we have a client presentation and I am representing the company and am shouldering responsibilities which are not so easy to shudder. I am feeling upset about not being present with you but your effort of nurturing my future would also go in vain if I throw this opportunity in the air. So please try to understand me and forgive me for being selfish if its so. I am have already wire transferred 10,000 USD and hope it would be of great help to you. You have always been a strong man and am sure you will not succumb to the pressures. You have thought us to be optimistic and the same goes true today. Mom should be fine. Take her for the best of advice from senior doctors and get her the adequate treatment, please remember that money is and will never be an issue. I have got few telephone numbers from my friends of nurses on hire for terminally ill patients. You can reach them and hire one so that they can be of some help to you. Also look out for some help for cooking, do not torture your tired bones.

I spoke to Mansi and she too is busy with the exams of her children. Her sis-in-law is coming down from Switzerland and she has to be a good host for some time. After the exams she has enrolled her kids for vacation studies and she has also put forth her regret of not joining you but has conveyed her earnest prayers for Mom. In fact, she was choking on the other end when she spoke to me last night. She may call you up today and please do not worry her much as she has been very sensitive right from childhood. My mobile is always ON so that you can reach me at any time.

I will try to make it after I return from Germany, but that would definitely take a month or two. Please Pop, forgive me for being away from you. My prayers for the well being of my mom and for strength for my Pop will be there for sure.

Take care!

(Father in reply)

Dear Son,

I received your good wishes and prayers and was happy to know about your new assignment. I said a small prayer to the lord to give you success in all that you endeavor. I tried calling you up many times but your phone was switched off, I suppose, or may be you were traveling and were;out of range;. I also tried Mansi and she too was not reachable. I decided to cremate your mother quietly and would love to tell you she passed away peacefully. She always had a habit of writing letters to her children. During her last days, she was unable to write to her kids so she dictated it to me feebly and I have jotted down her words. If you have time please read hereon:

(mother's message to son)

Dear Son,

I understand that you were always ambitious in life and when I came to know about your new venture, my feeble hands trembled but surely raised for a prayer for the well being of my two beautiful kids. Mansi’s kids exams will go well and they will pass with flying colours. You too would grab the promotion and make your parents proud my son. I have no regrets of you not coming down, in fact proud of having such wonderful children to whom duty stands first. May be this time, it would be a bit late as I may not be able to meet you again. God gave me the opportunity to carry you both in my womb, go through the wonderful feeling of motherhood and raise you both as such responsible kids. I hope you have carried your leather jacket with you  my dear on your trip to Germany. The money that you have been sending for us is intact in the account as we were never waiting for it. The calls that were made to you were always to hear your voice and not ask for help. I have knitted a lovely sweater for you, do not forget to ask your Pop for it. I have made your favorite pickle; in case, you happen to fly down, do not forget to carry it. Mansi wanted an Ayurvedic medicine for indigestion. I had asked my friend to call in for it. She had got it for me a couple of weeks ago. Later, I was admitted in the hospital, but your dad is aware, please do not forget to collect it from him. Also the CD of your last visit to us is ready and we have been watching it whenever we miss you and Mansi. I had asked your dad to write the CD so that both of you too can add it to your memory shelf. I thank God for this life and am happy to move to the next stage. Your Pop will be lonely and that’s what is worrying me now. I had called for an admission form from the nearest Old Age Home; so that he can admit himself there and have friends to spend rest of his life. Thank you kids for being so wonderful.

Yours Ever Loving,

 Mom

My response....

I dont agree with many things..mother's letter is not very kind but very cliche..very sarcastic too...

Secondly not many children write a letter like this one..sometimes they have some genuine problems too and initially its parents who teach children to earn more and more, then only they are satisfied, its parents who want children to go US because they find it a feather in their cap...how many parents are there who are happy if their children are not ambitious and earn less..they feel inferiority complex..its parents only who inculcate in the children that its only money that matters ..if they earn more they will be respected and when children learn this lesson, they want them to unlearn it..children are not their property they are individuals....

Now a days campus recruitment's are going on..how many parents ask children whether they are happy with what they have found..not many most are interested in knowing and comparing the packages.and boasting about it.

If a child is not able to give luxury to his parents, then also they are not happy and if he works hard to give that, then they want him to be irresposible in his job, only loyal to them..what is this? what do you want? Are you bringing up children or your retirement plan?

I feel that as parents we must provide children good education( I dont mean fancy ones only),good values and shouldnt pamper them beyond our means..provide them nutritious food and clothes(not the designer ones), but once they grow up, let them be free....if you have given them good values they will be an asset to everyone not only to you.

vice and virtue

Today i find lots of changes in the fabric of society, it has become a polyester from Khaadi, No stain is bad, it can be washed, however dirty you make it, still it can look clean, not like Khadi--which is to be maintained sprightly clean, cant take a single spot.

Earlier even a hint of some bribe, scandal used to make big noise in the society and a big embarrassment to the person. Its not that there were no tainted persons , or no corruption or no opportunists., because greed is a human quality, so existed in all the ages, everybody knows that Mahabharata took place only because of Duryodhana's greed. But there was a stigma attached to every vice, so whoever indulged, did so on the side,and when confronted would not accept it easily.
See how the times have changed.Today nobody has any scruples, instead of feeling ashamed they will start telling you the names of hundred other people who are corrupt and all that। क्या सब के चोरी करने से चोरी चोरी नही रहती ?

here i want to say that -------I am afraid that............if the majority is corrupt, then there is a chance that tomorrow corruption may be converted into a virtue------------.I feel scared of living in that society.......................where journalists start supporting the politician only because they have been very candid in the dealings or feelings.( It happens on TV so many times that if somebody accepts the dealings he is glorified)

kya karen ham aise hi hain:)

I have come back after a lo0ng vacation. I was in my home town in UP.and one thing I realise every time I go there is that how much your mother tongue is important to you..there its so relaxing to speak Hindi and listen Hindi:).

And the next thing is food..one never gets the same flavour anywhere else and then summer fruits, I havent eaten..peaches, apricots,berries, leechis  dussehri mangoes and many more for many years, here one rarely sees them.

But inspite of all this I am always happy to be back..love my place, my routine everything.I really wonder when people want to live with children, leaving their own circle of friends, routines and life styles....May be that those living on their own have to work more, may have less luxury..so what..I would any day prefer that...I love my independence too much to sacrifice that..