Friday, October 31, 2008


Now a days Chennai has a pleasant weather, i have done a lot of shopping and my cook is coming............ Life cudnt be more bliss than that:)...........and to top it all i am going to make a month long trip to my home town --- isnt it strange that we women may be married for 32 yrs and still we call our parents home our hometown:....when i got married, one our friend commented on this-----yaar yeh ladies kitne bhi saal ho jaaye shaadi ko fir bhi aise hi kahengi---hmaare yaahn aisa hota ha waisa hota ( how many yrs u may be married but women always use my home for their parents home) though it is a different matter altogether that parents always used to consider the girls as PARAYA DHAN.

In my time parents used to say for everything--go to ur Sasural( in-laws) and do whatever u want as if inlaws are going to be more accommodating than parents:). And at inlaws whatever u did..may be right but wrong according to them.....has ur mother taught you this only? and it was enough to make girl fiercely protective towards her mother and start defending or attacking whatever came to her.

Now when i think with an unbiased mind..again according to me:),

is it really worth defending ur parents when their ultimate motive was to get u married off any how?

Does the life run according to rights and wrongs?

What is better---bringing peace in the family and living harmoniously or sticking to the righteousness?

Isnt sometimes better to be selfish and look after ur family , because sometimes certain duties in life make ur own life very unpleasant.

If there is a conflict between two relationships whom shud one choose and what should be the criteria?

I have seen many girls and boys even facing unpleasantness in their families due to their extreme attachment to their parents, so is the attachment wrong? what is the parameter to judge all these things?

If ever u r on the cross roads where on one side is ur children's safe future, a family and on the other side is ur identity-.............?

i am leaving all these questions open to my readers to tell me what they think, I havent found perfect answers for all these things so far.

But now i see the trend is changing:)


Chriz said...

If there is a conflict between two relationships whom shud one choose and what should be the criteria?

its better to avoid conflicts.. but in some cases we have to face them.. if there could be a possibility to soothen both relationships, its better.. its always sad when because of us, one relationship gets broken..

everyone has their own answers.. the answer for your questions are your very own experience..

chennai is raining! thats good.. wait for next summer..

Anonymous said...

“has ur mother taught you this only?”
I so hate this attitude! I swear I hate it!

Attachment to ones own parents is not rong..its only human..its only natural for a girl to love her parents more than her in-laws…I will never take a word against my parents…thts me!

Plus, I haven’t heard of a single monster-in-law..oops mom-in-law :P ..who loves her daughter-in-law more than her own daughter.. its impossible!

Sometime u have to screw ur identity to safe guard the interest of ur kids n fmly…

Jayashree said...

It is only natural for a girl to be more attached to her own parents than to her in-laws just as it is natural for a boy to be more attached to his parents.
I instantly dislike anyone who says even a single word against my parents/siblings/upbringing. Sometimes I think it is better to speak up than to stay quiet just to maintain peace in the family.

Stray said...

Dear Renu-ji,

In India, we have a concept of a nuclear family (the couple and their children) and an extended family (other relatives, including one's parents after marriage). It is common to expect that in the event of a conflict between the two, a female would look out for the nuclear family rather than the extended family; but this may not always be expected for the male who is 'supposed' to take care of his parents.

However, things are changing these days, especially in cities and towns, where education is given prominence. The idea of "paraaya dhan" is not given as much importance today as it was in the past when compared to the happiness and security of the girl child. The female of the species is slowly but surely being treated on par with the male and I do hope that soon we all have the common sense and basic courtesy to understand that gender should not bring about inequality on any front.

Of course, my point of view is based on my always having lived in the 'changing' India rather than the 'traditional' India.

Renu said...

CHRIZ: Yeah, its better to avoid the conflict but still.........?
And sometimes these situations arise when one has not experienced anything then?
I am going to complete one yr in Chennai and I am loving it:):) (McD style).

SWATS: its fine as long as u hate the attiude only, once u start hating that person the problem starts:)
I know that there are all typ of girls, some love their H so much that they forget their parents also:) but i think its good for everybody:)
And SWATS i am a MIL, can u imagin me as

JAYSHREE: U r right but sometimes we go on a guil trip for not saying the right thing at the time:)

STRAY: First of all remove that ji, I dont deserve this:)
I have lived in traditional india and now living in the changing times. And we are still years behind in bringing a balance in everything, now some females are changing for the worse and going to other extreme.
But u havent given ur point of view on any of my questions or dilemmas?

Anonymous said...

u r a class apart Renu...
U r an exception..hands down!
u rock :)

Reflections said...

Hehe....I'm one prime example of all u mentioned....
I didnt change my last name to my husbands name till today.
Even after 10 yrs my parents is my home "In my house we did like this":-D.
I see anything worth buying I first think of mom & how I'll reach to her without anybody knowing;-P

Though there is a difference in me now(after 10 yrs:-D) bcoz the husband & kids do come first.

Stray said...

Dear Renu,

My responses to your specific questions.

1. is it really worth defending ur parents when their ultimate motive was to get u married off any how?

:) This is a no-brainer. One must some times defend what one loves/ values in one's Life. If you love/ value your parents, their 'motive' should not make any difference to their 'worth'.

2. Does life run according to rights and wrongs?

Yes. I think that being human beings (rather than animals), we use our 'God-given gift' of reason to each decide on what morals we would like to live by or are comfortable living by and guide our Lives accordingly.

3. What is better - bringing peace in the family and living harmoniously or sticking to the righteousness?

I would prefer to stick with righteousness, especially if the matter-on-hand deals with building the character of a person.

4. If there is a conflict between two relationships whom shud one choose and what should be the criteria?

I hope to have the maturity and the strength to choose the relationship with the person I care about over the relationship with the person that I need in my Life.

5. Extreme attachment to their parents; is the attachment wrong? what is the parameter to judge all these things?

Nothing wrong with loving/ being attached to your parents at any stage in Life! Being with them gives you a feeling of security (and consequently peace) that people would seldom find elsewhere. There cannot be any hard and fast parameter to 'judge' feelings, but there cud be acceptable and non-acceptable levels to which emotions can be displayed in society.

6. If ever u r on the cross roads where on one side is ur children's safe future, a family and on the other side is ur identity?

This is really up to the person and how strong the desire is within the person to "identify" herself. Someone I know in London (a person of Sri Lankan descent, who was born and has been brought up in London) had a love-cum-arranged marriage a few year ago and now has a baby daughter around 1 year old. He has become quite influenced by religious teachings (he is a Hindu) and would like to become a sadhu. He has discussed the dilemma he faces within himself with me a few times. I've told him its ultimately his choice - he has to choose between fulfilling his need/ want/ desire over being there for the 2 people he cares for the most. He has tough choice to make.

Anonymous said...

is it really worth defending ur parents when their ultimate motive was to get u married off any how?
Defending RIGHT should be the ultimate motive.

Does the life run according to rights and wrongs?
Yes, Life should run according to rights and wrongs.

What is better---bringing peace in the family and living harmoniously or sticking to the righteousness?
Sticking to the righteusness and it will bring peace if we have the ability to make other understand.

If there is a conflict between two relationships whom shud one choose and what should be the criteria?
I will choose the right one.

I have seen many girls and boys even facing unpleasantness in their families due to their extreme attachment to their parents, so is the attachment wrong? what is the parameter to judge all these things?
Attachment is not good specially with people who have taken care of us since our first day but it is upto others maturity to understand.

If ever u r on the cross roads where on one side is ur children's safe future, a family and on the other side is ur identity-.............?
I didnt get this question. Is it about person right or wrong identity or only identity.
Anyway, I will be on right side always.

Just call me 'A' said...

hmmmm i can think of so many things to say but this might go on a longggggg ranting. so i'll restrain. but yes, i think it's important to speak your mind. but politely and in a discussive manner, so that the other person (hopefully) sees your point of view too. but i know for many this is easier said than done. so i guess to most of the points, i would say, to each his own.

thankfully, i've never had to hear this statement (maybe because i don't live with them)... "has ur mother taught you this only", else i would surely say, "and why have you not taught your son this this and this?"


Niedhie said...

Difficult questions Renu... I think the instantaneous reaction of the person who is facing the crossroad can only be a justified answer to your question.

A rebel all the way... said...

some of your questions left me also puzzled...honestly, even i cant seem to dig up answers for them...
but these days, parents no longer consider a daughter as a liability.....or atleast i hope not...:))
yes it can be a bit overbearing at times when indian parents get after your life just to get you married....i mean people at the age of 20 are not children anymore...they should be allowed to take their own decisions....
but yes, which is more important - your own identity or your duties towards your families, bringing peace or being righteous, being selfish or looking after your family....i simply have no answers to as clueless as you are...:(
sometimes i wish indian families weren't the way they are...they cause much more pain than happiness....:(

Renu said...

SWATS: Thankx a lot my dear:), I am grinning like a cheshire cat:)

REFLECTIONS: you have got a very right attiude,For me also my children and H come first:), U know my MIL of 89 yrs, maarried for almost 72 yrs, still whenever she tells me any memories, they are all about childhood only and that makes me feel that childhood always leaves the permanent footprints in life:)

STRAY: good this is what I wanted:) but for the second one, i am always wondering, may be its better to be righteous in major issues , but inside the house sometimes overlooking the things makes for a better adjustments:)and happy families.
and if u care for both then?:)
fifth one is a tough one and takea a real maturity in a person to deal with this.
Thanks for giving me anothe rperspective !

Hobo: U r right .
Life shud, but does it?

I have seen it practically that being rightous in the family---doesnt always have good results:)

Attachment per se is always good,but someday one has to makea choice also put the priorities properly.
For the last one...I have seen divorces because of this identity crisis and childrensuffer unnecessarily so there....
Good to know that u are always on the right side:)

JUST CALL ME A : oh please say whatever u want, I want to know as many opinions as I can.
Its always each to his own, but i wanted to know what is right according to everybody:)
And we dont answer back to our elders:):)

NIDHIE: These situations happen everyday in life and have long lasting effects on our life. and our reactions are always based on our thoughts and thats what i wanted to know:)

REBEL: yes rebel times are changing, but in small cities still they are a liability as the dowry is still there:), atleast in UP
I think one gets adult at the age of 21, isnt it?:):) so 20 is still immature..haha
And families dont give u pain, its ur beliefs, emotions and thinking and actions which give u.I always believe that as we are adult enpough to take our decisions, so are we responsible for everything that happens in our life:)

starry nights said...

I think brnging peace and happiness is more important than being right.

my space said...

Renu there are no perfect or right answers to any of these questions.
I agree peace is more important than being right.
As for loving your parents-you always do-jus see that this love does not hinder your future relationships..

Renu said...

STARRY NIGHTS: hmm...rightly said, thats what i as wondering too.

MY SPACE: ur last line sums up so many things, i saw 2 marriages breaking because of this only, and that set me thinking.........
And sometimes we buy peace outwardly, but inwardly we are not at peace due to the compromise:(

Cess said...

I can t really answers those interesting question since it does not work the same way in France, so much different!!!!
So where are u going, where is ur hometown?


SR said...

Renu, these days the trend is definitely changing as you said - the ultimate goal of most parents is not getting their kids married - its more like their duty :)

With regards to your other points I prefer the western way of living in this regard, where every family is more nuclear - when kids are married they don't live with their parents that gives them more room to live life the way they see it right and make their own traditions - of course the parents are always there to guide and advise but they don't live under the same roof. In such cases, no one would have to do any defending and people could do their best looking after their families with out feeling selfish about it, avoid too many conflicts in every day living and bring peace in the family - of course this just my take :)

Manasa said...

I hate when in-laws talk rubbish of our parents for the small mistakes we do!

Most of them sacrifice their identity for the sake of hubby n kids :(

Happy Vacation. Which place? :)

Raghu said...

Thats a classic case of living to experience !! :)

Yes there r houses, where they see a girl child as a burden to b disposed off at the earliest ! . But frnakly its more rampant in the north than in the south ..

I agree with u to b selfish to an extent in life .. if it can bring in some peace .. And i feel there is no harm in doing so ! .. There cant b universal rights n wrongs .. its just what the situation requires ! .. nd we r the better judge of that .. nd that is according to me :).

And there r going to b conflicts of liking n interests .. no onez an angel nor a devil ! .. I hope i wont get a situation where i have to choose one of the two .. nd tryting to b positive , i dont see that happening as well :).It isnt wrong to b attached with parents . we hav lived with them fer more number of years than whosever coming into the house .. we have to balance it .. no other go .. i think men should take the charge nd diffuse what ever comes in the way !

And abt the cross road thing --> .. i cant think much being a parent nd deciding .. coz thats a long way fer me .. still if i hav to think .. do not try to pull ur child towards u by force .. he/she has to decide .. else the child wld crack under pressure .. every problem has a solution .. beyond it , its better to part .. balance nd adjustment can work to an extent .. after that it just strains nd gets cut ..

I normally dont try to talk big .. coz walk the talk is pretty tuff .. but not impossible :) ..

Did someone say , saas bhi kabhi bahi thi :) ..

Just call me 'A' said...

well i don't believe that statement anymore. it's been abused too many times. elders by virtue of being elders don't have a right to say anything and everything. and if someone is telling you that your mother has not taught you anything then is'nt that person insulting another elder person? possibly someone even older. Oh no, I so do not agree that we should not answer back. I think we should answer but the important point is in being respectful while doing so and not loosing it over the top and making a scene. and when i say 'answer back' here i don't mean in the tone that the word "answer back" suggest. and if i were to tell my mother in law that she has not taught her son, this this and that, you can be sure i will not be screaming or fighting with her and telling her this. I would be laughing, hugging her and getting the point across. and believe me i would answer in a similar way even if my mother said something insulting like this to my MIL. one should always play it smart and not by war or emotional. and no one has a right to say what they wish because they are 'elder'.
and each his own :)

Just call me 'A' said...

ohhh and have a great vacation :)

sansmerci said...

no.1 - i ve never felt tht my parents always wanted me off.. n my mom has actually told me let her have fun here.. dono how her future house will b .. mayb times are changing..

2. i ve never felt tht this is my home or that is.. i ve always believed whereever i live is my home.. if m not then m a guest then i cnt stay too long.. so i guess a home is a home.. no matter wat u call is where the heart is :)

3. conflict between relationships! am alwyas scared i shudnt get to that point.. i really dono wat ll i do :( i will give up anything... my identity ..who cares.. they shud b happy and safe with a nice family :)

Amrita said...

Hmm well I think childhood being the most formative years,,, leave an indellible mark on a persons mind.. and for a girl, her parents give her as much learning as poss so that she takes on the responsibilities of the home and work with equal apolomb... so all tht intensive learning make a girl all the more attached to her parental house.. a bond which does nt go away even after wed lock..

And i feel there is no point in justifyin ur parents when reprimanded that your mom did not teach u so and so.. i jus say to myself at such points.. forgive them o lord for they dont know wht they are doin :D and in turn think... did ur mom teach u to be so rude and ofensive :D hehe hmm thankfully i hav never personally been at the receiving end of such comments

and u kno what.. i feel one shd always do what is right... if bringing peace is of uptmost importance stick to it... and u know what i firmly blive what goes comes bac... so b patient cos one day theres lite at the end of the tunnel.. even if circumstance prevent u from retaliating now.. one day mebbe ur kids will stand for u.. if u hav been right all the while..

but one thing i always stick by... no matter what.. preserve ur identity.. ur thots, ur values... never compromise on that..never loose who you are.. cos end of day... thats the best thing to have.. urself!

Pixie said...

Ah... you make me ponder.. will get back on this and write a huge comment!!

J P Joshi said...

"Going on vacation" trapped me. I have wrestled with them many a times. Has anyone found answers to these questions? Please let me know too!!!!

I personally always believed in the wisdom of social systems created by our ancestors. Life is a full circle and I find great wisdom in the social systems they created.

However, in the present day we are more inclined to follow the West because of the good systems created by them in the material world.

Both of these do not necessarily direct you in the same direction. Which one do you follow?

I always believed in black and white when i was that i am not so young, i understand that there are many shades of grey in between. Love your questions. Sorry, i have found no each his own, maybe?????

Renu said...

SR: yeah trend is changing, even for my daughter, marriage was not the first and most important thing for me, I wanted to give her best education and make her stand on her feet and marriage will come later on:)

But personally I dont believe that living apart we can look after the parents, after a certain age parents have day today needs which cant be fulfilled by someone living at a seaprate place or city.

Renu said...

CESS: My hometown..thats mybrother;s plce is Rampur UP and I am here in LUCKNOW now at my sister's:)

MANASA: yeah no-one wants to liten bad about one's parents:(. I am in UP now, specifically in LKO.

JUST CALL ME A: I love that attitude...telling with a hug:) U r going to win all the battles in ur life with that:)

Renu said...

RAGHU: People say that women have difficulties with inlaws, but I say that it is the man who has to do a rope walking to bring happiness in the family. and my experience says that all the conflicts are more because of a man. If they are clear in their mind about evrything, life wud be bliss for everybody.

Renu said...

JUST CALL ME A: oh Thanks, there is nobody like siblings to have agupshap(gossip),we are busy comparing dresses .cosmetics and jwellery:)

SANSMERCI: u will make a great mother:)
dono how her future house will b ..tells me that still people are aprehensive of inlaws:)..
very right definition about home:)

AMRITA: forgive them o lord for they dont know wht they are doin :D wow!--Amrita, so much of wisdom at such a young age:)For me also being right was the ultimate, but my experiences made me think.
Its true that your children always stand up for u,and what u give always come back to u. Sometimes I think that we may be flexible also, if it brings harmony and peace in life.
And identity means different things for different people, like me..I have taken the surname of my husband, but that doesnt changes my thought or values, rather makes so many thing simpler for me and my family.I am much more than a name.

PIXIE: sure Pxie, come back, I am waiting:)

JP JOSHI: These questions are always clouding my mind and I think most of the people of our generation.
I think the systems made by our elders are good, only they need to be changed or reformed a little, but totally discarding them and going for the values which are more of materialistic aims---is not my cup of tea, nor i support:)..
With maturity i also realised the grey in life, earlier that was the main line of my profile also:)

sansmerci said...

tagged :)

sansmerci said...

tagged :)

Renu said...

Sansmerci: Thanks Swarna, But i am not able to open any of ur post, I dont know why?

Shalom said...

For me, the parameters for how to proceed in any situation in life lie in my faith. I don't think that its possible for you to please everyone in every situation; no matter what you do, somebody or the other will always be there to find fault. So what really matters is that you should live your life in a way that pleases God, because He is the ultimate judge, the one we all have to account to in the end.

Anyway, happy vacation!!! I guess no matter our age, we will always feel a sense of security and belonging when we go to our parents' home :)

Hip Grandma said...

There are no correct or wrong answers to these questions.One should decide as per the requirement and situation.Parvatiji was scolded by shankar Bhagwan for referring to her mother's place as her home.what of us mortals.

Renu said...

Shalom: U r so right as usual:) we xall it is eternally our home, whatever we call it.

HIP GRANDMA: I didnt know this..about Parvatiji, but u see today's girls always say.....i have two houses..whatever that may mean:) and its quite a complex issue:)

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