Friday, August 29, 2008

working mother or wife

Though the title of this post is quite misnomer, as none of the wife or mother can be said to be not working, as being a wife or mother in itself is a full time job. But here we are taking the general conception where working means; working outside and earning money. One of my cousin is looking for a bride and he is very emphatic about the girl being not working. As always it started a debate in my mind about what is right and what is wrong.To think about it rationally I started counting the pros and cons of both the situations, so that in the end we can decipher what outweighs the other.
And then there is the personal choice also, like some are so talented that it would be a waste of their talent to do nothing, and there is negative elimination also like some are so reluctant to do house work that its better they work outside to make good use of time.Lets have a look at the positives of working--
1--.It brings money in the housekitty and finances are better, children can afford better things in life, couple can maintain a better standard of living. To an extent good money reduces the stress also.
2--For the women it helps them later in life, when the children grow up and make their own life it becomes very lonely for the ladies this empty nest syndrome.Now they have something to look forward to, and they can pass their time constructively and be financially independent also.
3--Working makes a women financially independent,enhances their confidence and they are better equipped to face the ups and downs of life.
And now the negatives----
1--Growing kids need mother to make them a balance and rounded personality,to teach them values,to listen to their woes, to give them moral support when they are down and workingwomen dont get sufficient time to look after them themselves. I dont believe in quality time.
2--Happy family needs happy times together and time is one thing working women dont have.
3--Healthy family needs healthy food but they neither have time nor inclination to cook.
4--Relatives always take a back seat as nobody has time and patience to maintain them.
5--Sometimes earning makes them arrogant and stubborn making their personal relations also sour.Of course all this may happen with the housewives also, but here we are discussing only about good ,hard working girls::)).
So what is the way out? Unless financially necessitate, working outside has more negatives than positives.Some roles have been decided by God, who are we to interfere? Can we call father earth, nahi na,its mother earth only.God has made us mothers, wives and given certain traits like caring, sacrificing,looking after others, and man are there to cherish us, protect us ,provide us and look after us.If everybody performs his or her role perfectly, world would be a beautiful place to live in.To engage oneself, one can always work for society, there are always many people and problems need to be taken care of.Here the question of being superior or inferior doesnt arise, like one cant say what is more important for living---food or water, both are equal in their own way.Everyone should work towards making a happy and healthy family because that should be the ultimate aim of the couple,not self gratification. Mothers are instrumental in making a nation as they are the ones who build the foundation strong.But inspite of all these things if working is mandatory for someone then I would say that one should never neglect house and family at the cost of job, one should be prepared to put in that extra hour needed.Our ancient scriptures like Geeta say that one gets the mindset according the food one eats. I shudder to think what will happen to our future generations then?
wud like to know readers opinion?

24 comments:

Cess said...

your post is very strong and i understand u point, coming from Europe, it is different, I don t know why it is so different, but I grow up in a family where both of my parents were working, my mum who is a nurse was sometimes working night shift, so I learned how to take care of my bro, how to cook during lunch while my mum was asleep. Now my parents are divorced, do I feel sad or bad, no, I prefer see my parents happy in different places than unhappy together, I did not want them to make some sacrifice for me to stay together. We could have more time when i was a child with them if my mum was not working but i m ok with it, I think i m lucky for the childhood and the education I received from my parents and my relatives, some people don t have parents, or some have parents who treat them badly. I don t know what will happen when i ll get married and have kids, but as for now i don t see myself not working, i ll be bored, now if i have kids i m sure i won t be bored at all, but once they re gonna start to go to school, i ll be alone again, and unfortunately in Europe, not working it s not an easy option cause divorced is quite common here, of course i don t want to divorce, but if it does happen, the rest of ur life will be very difficult (no money, no rent possible, no retirement...) which is a pretty big risk to take nowadays.
PS: plus men in Europe need a wife and a working mother at the SAME time, we asked for equality of sex here so they believe (good excuse for them) that we can handle both, cause we asked for it ;)

Renu said...

Thank u Cess for dropping !
Sometimes i also feel very bored, so i dont think not working is the solution,but one has to find a middle way, like taking a sabbatical for a few years,or working at home--here i dont say it shud be wife only, i mean to say one of the couple must take things lightly,the formative years for the kids are very important, plus one's kids childhood----its the ultimate in entertainment and enjoyment, why miss it and look for enjoyment outside?
I also worked for 3-4 yrs when my youngest was 10, and she says we became quite independent because you were working:).
Being an Indian and rooted in tradition , I firmly believe-
1-marriage is for ever
2-family is supreme.
I always think that seeking the solution outside marriage, why can we seek it within marriage?
I am going too long, think will write a separate post on it:)

sansmerci said...

hmm i ve written about this in a few posts subtly..

many ppl assume tht being a contemporary gal i wud think tht workin is wat makes a women independant n r surprise wen i speka otherwise.. i think women r given the ultimate responisbility of being a mother n bringing up a person..as u said the role is defined by nature perfectly.. but in the name of equality, women r tryin to do both a man and womans job n makin a fool outa themselves..independence does nto come with finance..if its so then ur ina rong relationship..if the contribution of the mother is not recognised then wat world we r living in..

personally, i ve longed for my mom as a child everytime i come bak from school.. i decided rite then to give my kids all my time and attention..but ofcourse like u said m not gonna let my talent go waste.. i ll definitely freelance write from home and keep an active social life too.. but hey family first... nothin else comes closer..

Reflections said...

Very relevant post Renu...
If the woman is working to help her husband out of a tight situation or if she is in such a good position with a really good salary...then its worth it.
otherwise this is the dilemma of every working woman.....
I myself am in a quandary at this point in time...to continue working or not. Infact I'll put up a post very soon on this.

Cess said...

I can understand ur point about marriage, I can t really say much on it, i know my parents grow separately, I always wondered why they decided to get married, cause they are so different from each other, sometimes relatives, work, social environment makes people changed. Sometimes i see on TV, lawyer defending a serial killer saying u have to understand his parents divorced when he was a child, which left him perturbed, i m always frustrated when I hear that, i mean i m not a psycho because my parents divorced, i m very proud of myself and i m glad the way my parents educated me. Of course i don t want to divorce myself, maybe i should not get married then ;) I m looking for ur post about wedding, cause i m really interested about the difference of cultures! it does not mean i will agree to everything ;) but i d like to know!
btw im going to a French wedding next weekend, i ll make sure i ll post on it, u ll see the difference with Indian weddings ;)

Swats said...

Children growing up in ‘single-parent families’ or those coming frm 'BROKEN HOMES' are twice as likely as their counterparts to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and addictions later in life..they r more vulnerable to emotional, social, and psychological disorders in the future.

Children frm broken homes r more likely to b abused..those who witness divorce, separation, death of a parent, out of wedlock birth, guardianship grow up differently..tht insecurity n anxiety takes a toll…wht u witness in ur childhood stays with u and haunts u all ur life..

Being a single parent is hard, exhausting and demanding..its not easy 2 bring up ur kid..its very challenging handling 2 different domains.. sum mothers have no choice..they hv to leave their kids with nannies to b looked after..but a nanny can never give u tht motherly love n upbringing.

I also know of a few cases where kids have gone astray despite great parenting, upbringing, money and all the luxuries at their disposal.

Working mothers can’t rid themselves of guilt pangs of not spending enuf time with children..but financial instability leaves them with little choice..and those who work for other reasons cannot completely focus on their family life.. I guess Rebel was right when he said tht…

I think striking the right balance between ur personal n professional life is very tough..Juggling roles is not easy! Thre r so many men who don’t want working wimmen as wives for the prime reason tht family life suffers..kids r unattended etc etc..but sum men r also hardcore MCPs..

U have very rightly weighed all the pros n cons.. ive had the most amazing childhood..thnx to my parents..

Renu said...

sans merci: We Indians have quite a lot of stereotypes in our mind, like a fashionable city bred girl cant be affectionate and family oriented or all villagers are noble all that.its not true at all.

and in the name of equality, erosion of family values saddens me.Equality comes from the mind, from the thought process, from being progressive in mind.Today there are so many avenues to do something that any person willing to work will find some good thing. It need to be only outside work or full time job.
Ur saying so ,reminded me that when my kids used to come back from the school......-they were very particular that I open the door myself:).... this thought even today brings a smile on my face:).My daughter was very particular that my ma must tuck and kiss me goodnight before sleep:)

Reflections: I think it must be decided between the couple that who will take his job lightly--I mean a job for less timings with less ambition:) I have seen that money is a very relative term, there is never ever sufficient, the more you get, more u aspire for.First u want a car only ,but once u get it u start looking fOR BIG CAR..................there is no end to it.

Swats: Those who have no choice cant help it, but if we have a choice then we must give a thought to it.
I know some women are exploited by their family even after they are working. I want to address those girls who are educated, may be employed also, and then they choose working outside.
I feel very strange that when a girl works outside..........she has to do many adjustments in the house and in the office.....like sometimes she gets a dressing down from superiors, adjusts to collegues also, and maintains a decorum, ask her to do the some adjustments for the family............and u hear all that..........no equality....and all that why?
For me most important thing in my house is my family, I got many opportunities in life for working outside, but I took only when I cud do them without disturbing my family life and when my husband and children all gave their full support. I like to do evryhting with consensus in the family:)
I firmly believe that a strong affestionate childhood makes a person strong enough to face difficulties in life

Renu said...

Cess- I agree with you that many things change a person.
In India we used to think earlier that marriage is not just
between two individual, its a relationship between two families,
so marriage is not all about 2 individuals only, a divorce affects
both the families and then kids,so it was quite a taboo earlier,
not so now. In this sense I am little old fashioned.
But dont believe those lawyers, they can say anything to make their
case strong. Its not like this that all the problems come from the
divorced parents only, its people also individually.
What i have read on your blog and ur comments on my post, I believe
you are a very intelligent person.
And dont think that ur parents are divorced, so u shud feel shy of
marriage, marriage is a very importaqnt aspect of life and u get so
much happiness out of it.
I wish u a very happy married life!
And I will certainly do a post on wedding,there is no need to agree:) I look forward for different perspectives on my views.
I lived in france for 3 months and have very happy memories of it,I am looking forward to ur post on this wedding.

A rebel all the way... said...

Renu, I wouldn't say that family should come first, but I would say that kids should come first. I don't really care about what the husband thinks. Both the spouses are adults and if the woman wants to work, her hubby should respect that decision.However, when you have children, it is a different game altogether.
To be honest, I prefer women who are working - it really broadens their outlook, they are much more mature and more in touch with what is happening in the outside world. Trust me, you are an exception Renu, but normally the kind of housewives I have come across are extremely dumb kitty-party type women. I am glad my mom never left her work. When we were children, she used to get up at 6 in the morning, cook food, pack our lunches, send us off to school, then get ready for work, go to the office, come back in the evening, cook dinner, talk to us, watch tv with us, help us with our homework and then go to bed. I still can't imagine where she got all that energy from. Trust me, when I come back from work these days, I am completely dead and exhausted. Not just that, she used to take off from work when our exams were round the corner and helped us in our preparation for the exams.
I have never really cared about the Bible or the Gita or what the nature expects from us or how it expects us to operate and behave. My thinking is just driven by two factors - common sense and the fact that my actions do not adversely affect any other human being in any way. So I don't agree when you say that nature expects women to conform to a particulr role and bring up their family. It is as much the husband's responsibility as the wife's. And if the wife is earning more than the husband and if one of them HAS to stay at home cos of the kids, the husband should better shut up and sit at home.

Hip Grandma said...

I beg to differ.If a woman can raise responsible and good children by being a full time mother it is high time we conducted a survey on the mothers of all those youngsters who indulge in anti social activities and terrorism.I think a woman should make her choice and if she opts to work she shud strike a balance and draw a line as to how much load she can take .if on the other hand she decides not to work she shud engage herself in creative/social pursuits in her free time.her outlook will broaden and she will be an asset to family and society.True,nature and society have assigned different roles for men and women.But overlapping of roles is not uncommon.The Indian male should be encouraged to play a more constructive role in the family set up.Half the problems would automatically vanish.

Renu said...

Rebel all the way: I feel that for a good bonding in marriage, its necessary to give due importance to spouse and thats wha I meant by family.
I beg to differ that working women have broader outlook than housewives. This is another of srtereotypes we have set our mind on.Todays girls are well educated with avery well rounded personalities, and I dont think it wud make any difference whether they are working OUTSIDE or not. I dont differentiate in the work...in the house or outside house.For me an educated ,intelligent person is same whether working outside or being at home.
Your mother was very fortunate that she could afford leave when u had exams, otherwise I have seen many times in my known families, child suffering from fever, and mother not being able to take leave due to some professional commitments which were anavoidable.
I am not against working women, my own daughter and daughter-in-law both work,I only wanted to convey that........... working per se should not be taken as a symbol of prestige,power,intelligence whatever and dont work because of that, if u have read my post, i have written, work if u have certain special skills, work if u require finances, but kids shud not be relegated to the sides.
What I dont like is dirty house, un healthy food(always ordered from outside), no time for kids, and I have clearly written that the couple should decide how will they manage it, if hubands can stay at hone they can, here the aim is good management , do it as u want, but professionally also we alway put the person incharge of things acoording his/her skills, and if someone is better at something naturally the what will u say?

Hiphopgrandma:--I am very happy to see that I got some strong comments and gave me opportunity to think and put my views acroos.I am not saying that ONLY mothers who stay at home can raise good kids, and neither all housewives are good nor all working mothers are bad, no, this wud be a very bad generalisation, I wudnt dare to say so. I only say that---use ur discretion in working, I have seen many girls working just for the sake of working, or avoideing house work.if working outside, doesnt bring happiness in the family, then couple should sit together and talk decide mutually what is beneficial for the unit.

Indian Home Maker said...

Renu I am a home maker, and I agree I manage to give more time to my kids then my working friends, but some of the things you have written in this post confuse me.

# Why do you think,
//Sometimes earning makes them arrogant and stubborn making their personal relations also sour.Of course all this may happen with the housewives also, but here we are discussing only about good ,hard working girls::)).//?

# //.3--Healthy family needs healthy food but they neither have time nor inclination to cook.//
I have seen plenty of working mothers who are very organised and some of them plan and shop for the week's cooking in advance. They cook with more interest then I and some other home makers do...so I don't agree with this one.
Also home cooked meals are no longer, such an issue. Food processors, refrigerators and micowaves have made it easier to organise healthier and faster meals. I say 'organise' not cook, because cooking need not be just a mother's job, specially if she is working, it can be a family activity. Simple, wholesome meals created by the family are the happiest. The younger ones can lay the table, put place mats, water etc, Setting curd can be another's daily task. A working woman's family must support her. Husband and wife can decide who does which meal, and remember all women are not fond of cooking. Many men and many boys are better cooks then many women. I can say in my family we are all together in the kitchen, and meal times are fun times, although we are vegetarians and generally prefer home cooked, unprocessed, simple, healthful meals.

# //4--Relatives always take a back seat as nobody has time and patience to maintain them.//
I think relatives also need to respect a working woman's time constraints, and call her before coming over. And they should meet more often on weekends and when she is free. All relationships are two sided, if the relatives expect her to give up her job to maintain ties with them, then they need to rethink their priorities. Family should support the working mothers/fathers. I have working sisters in laws and I wouldn't want them to give up their jobs for me. I call them when they are home and if they happen to be busy, they call back whenever they are free. I am proud of their achievements. And we stay in touch NOT because we are related, NOT because it is our DUTY but because it is truly a pleasure to talk to them, we are fond of each other...but we do not take each other for granted.

# //--Growing kids need mother to make them a balance and rounded personality,to teach them values,to listen to their woes, to give them moral support when they are down and workingwomen dont get sufficient time to look after them themselves. I dont believe in quality time.//
I think they manage to teach values and the essentials, but I agree, maybe they do miss out on some fun times. They need total support of their spouses and to ensure that do get to spend plenty of time with their kids.

# //Some roles have been decided by God, who are we to interfere?//
This was alright in the days of the prehistoric humans, today we can say we are civilized and we will follow that system which enriches our lives. Men need not take our little boys out to hunt and gather food any longer. We also do not have as many pregnancies. Now we can create a society where every one of us gets to achieve their dreams. In those days women had many children and multiple pregnancies, so they could not work like today...we must evolve with time.

//Can we call father earth, nahi na,its mother earth only.//
In Germany and some other places they do say fatherland :)

//God has made us mothers, wives and given certain traits like caring, sacrificing,looking after others,//
Not all women are caring, many of us don't like to sacrifice, like I know I love my children and will do anything for them, but it will never be a sacrifice. I will do this because it gives me joy to see them do well and be happy. AND I will expect a lot of affection and care from them both too...this includes the daughter.

//and man are there to cherish us, protect us ,provide us and look after us//
In a perfect, dream world this would be fine, but in real life I see countless men who do not cherish, protect or even provide for their families. 80% of India lives in villages and the women have to work, because men do not work, cherish and protect. I am sure it was always the same. Women had to work even in the pre-historic times. Strength respects strength. Women and men should be partners, equal partners. Both should decide what they prefer, a man may wish to stay at home, just like a woman may wish to work. Stereotypes hurt those who do not fit them, I think we need to liberate the men and let them choose to work for pleasure not just to provide for their families. A working woman can do this better than a home maker.

//If everybody performs his or her role perfectly, world would be a beautiful place to live in.//
And who decides what everybody's role is? We can not compare our civilized scenario with the prehistoric times. And there were Amazons and so called Viragoes even then! And we are all so different and nobody is perfect, so there are no perfect roles for us, all women have some so called 'men-like' traits in them, just like men have qualities which are generally considered womanly. Don't these people have a right to live fulfilling, happy lives? I know many women who have no patience or even interest in babies and I have seen men who are great with kids! Our wold should have a place for both of them, otherwise we will be one unhappy society!

#//To engage oneself, one can always work for society, there are always many people and problems need to be taken care of.//
There is a confidence that comes from making money, you get a high and feel worthwhile because you can support yourself, buy a gift with your money. And may be some woman is just not interested in social work or she wants to be an engineer? Or anything else. What about fulfillment? How would you feel if you were not allowed to blog, just think?!
This has become too long...let me not hog anymore space here, I will do a post on this, and I hope you don't mind if I link it to your blog?
#//Everyone should work towards making a happy and healthy family because that should be the ultimate aim of the couple, not self gratification.//
I totally agree with you, everyone should make an effort to make sure every member in the family is happy, including the working woman...she should not be there just to make everyone happy. There should be no double standards.

Indian Home Maker said...

Renu I have replied to your comment on my post against Joint Family. I have no idea how I missed it first! I am sorry I was so late in replying. I can see we have very strong and opposite views on some issues...I am open to listening to opinions that are different from mine and there is no question of not liking your comment. Please feel free to disagree :)

Shalom said...

I have seen all kinds of women: working women who couldn't keep a proper track of their families & also working women who are brilliant wives & mothers as well; housewives who keep wonderful homes & raise children well and also "housewives" who don't give a damn about the house or being a wife and mother.

So I think that the decision to work outside the house or not comes down to each woman, to each couple and to their situations. But whatever these individual variations may be, I feel that family should be the most important thing. If that commitment to family is present in not just the woman, but the man as well, I believe you can manage just about anything.

But if you have a case where the father, mother and children are all off doing their own thing, then you can't really call that a family....because family means being there for the others, sometimes sacrificing your own happiness for theirs and sharing in everything that life throws your way. And if parents (not just the mother, father too) set this example of family commitment, children also learn and you can have a truly blissful family life.

Renu said...

IHM: Hard working----common thinking that those who work outside only work hard
cooking--In most of theings I have written that everything should be decided between the couple and decision must be harmonious.See exceptions are always there in everything, I have seen the housewives asking the husband to do 50% of the house work after he comes back from his work, because they want so called equality, I have heard from many of my well wishers--why do u do all the housework, ask ur husband to share, but I always felt that he looks after the providing part and i must look after the house completely... though my H is avery cosiderate and helping husband. I wud have found myself inefficient if I needed his help. I always say divide the work according to the skill, one is good at.If wife can have a better earning job, she should do it and husband can take an easy going one and look after the kids.
I have seen many women where--whatever the husband earns is family income and what wife earns its hers only to dspend as she likes.
For growing kids---- that is what I am saying do what ur spouse supports u to do, if it brings conflict in the family it cant be good for u.
I didnt know this about germany.
Expecting love and affection from ur children doesnt lessen ur sacrifice neither ur doing it for ur joy makes it less of a sacrifice. If we want to live in a civilised society, somethings we do out of love and some out of dutybut both are equally important.

i am an Idealist, thats why i am talking about ideal situations:) for a voilent huband , i wudnt say the same.. But tell me if u had a marital proposal from a boy who was not earning and u were earning, wud u and ur family agree, I dont think ur answer wud be yes.
i can give u many examples like this----like if a boy/husband says to u that he wants to study and till such time u provide , will u do that?
if a boys parents do anything, its taken for granted, but if a girls parents give anything its dowry, so what is this ?
If a boy decides to live with his in-laws, girls themselves say----where his self respect, but then I say what is the difference? are not these double standards.
So let us first change the mindset completely then there can be equality also in that senses, till then...........
i think I will do another post on equality, the way i see it.

I like the way you write on ur blog, and i always want all the perspectives of any idea, so you are very welcome to my blog. i always ask my DIL to write her comments, so that we can have other perspective also.

Shalom: you are so right that everybody needing that type of freedom will not make a cohesive family. In a family everybody feels like doing something for other without thinking about self,That is what family is all about.
I have lived with my MIl, she is still with me and MY DIL also.Its not that i always liked my inlaws or they were very good, but those times were different, todays are different.I have given full freedom to my DIl whether its in clothes outing or anything and i dont even try to love her, I just love her so much, how cant i, when i love my son so much.

Indian Home Maker said...

#//IHM: Hard working----common thinking that those who work outside only work hard//
In India a working mother works twice as much as a homemaker, because she works at home and outside both.

#//But tell me if u had a marital proposal from a boy who was not earning and u were earning, wud u and ur family agree, I dont think ur answer wud be yes.//
If the girl is earning well, she can actually afford to marry the guy she loves, even if he is not the bread winner in the family. It makes little difference who is earning, so long as both are happy together.

#//if a boys parents do anything, its taken for granted, but if a girls parents give anything its dowry, so what is this ?//
Renu do boy's parents give something to girl's parents? I have not heard of this. And if either parents, voluntarily gift something to their children, who are living on their own, it is a gift, but if they are living in a Joint Family, then obviously everything belongs to everybody, and whatever is given to the daughter, is given to the boy's family? Is that true?

#//If a boy decides to live with his in-laws, girls themselves say----where his self respect, but then I say what is the difference? are not these double standards.// I think they should stay in their own home, the way couples in Nuclear families stay. Not in either of the parents' homes.

#//I have given full freedom to my DIl whether its in clothes outing or anything// I know you mean well, but when we say "HAVE GIVEN FREEDOM",do yo realise how much authority we are assuming!Who are we to claim we give them freedom?

# //Expecting love and affection from ur children doesnt lessen ur sacrifice neither ur doing it for ur joy makes it less of a sacrifice. If we want to live in a civilised society, somethings we do out of love and some out of dutybut both are equally important.// It is not a sacrifice if in return of bringing them up we want them to stay with us/take care of us etc. Then it is a give and take. We have to let our children grow into independent adults, and let them have the freedom to live on their own. We can call it a SACRIFICE only if we have no expectations, but Indian parents have high expectations from their children, that is why we want sons and we want them to live with us.
We demand so much inreturn then how is it a sacrifice, it is GIVE & TAKE!

#//i can give u many examples like this----like if a boy/husband says to u that he wants to study and till such time u provide , will u do that?//
A very close friend of mine is working and recently her husband has decided to switch jobs, he will have to do some courses, and they did not have to think twice about it, because she can provide. A niece of mine, is earning more than her husband and now he is going to fulfill is dream of starting an NGO - he can only do it because they are a team, they are partners and friends. So all this is happening all over India, times are changing and we all must support our DILs an daughters. It's really nice that your DIL comments on your blog, I am sure she also allows you to comment on her Blog :)

#//So let us first change the mindset completely then there can be equality also in that senses// Equality does not mean we have to copy someone or become someone, equality simply means both have equal right to happiness, justice, freedom, success etc.

Renu said...

If the girl is earning well, she can actually afford to marry the guy she loves, even if he is not the bread winner in the family. It makes little difference who is earning, so long as both are happy together.
-------here i am talking about arranged marriage, where most of the girls look for a boy with a fat salry and rich parents:)

Renu do boy's parents give something to girl's parents? I have not heard of this. And if either parents, voluntarily gift something to their children, who are living on their own, it is a gift, but if they are living in a Joint Family, then obviously everything belongs to everybody, and whatever is given to the daughter, is given to the boy's family? Is that true?
-----yes boy's parents also give, sometimes out of their own desire and sometimes tradition also demands, and no , today , like me, I never took what was given to my DIL. Though I dont think there is any harm in little give and take as and when tradition demands,this is our culture and how we maintain relationships, if i take something from my DIL's parents, then I give to my Daughter's in-laws also, but this I am writing hypothetically, my daughter's inlaws are very different, they never asked for anything ever,nor i ever asked anything in my son's mariage.

// I think they should stay in their own home, the way couples in Nuclear families stay. Not in either of the parents' homes.
each to his own:), may be all young people with agree with you and older with me, may be this is the demand of youth.

/ I know you mean well, but when we say "HAVE GIVEN FREEDOM",do yo realise how much authority we are assuming!Who are we to claim we give them freedom?
------here I used the wrong word, I must say she has . Hey.... I am like her mother, when I love her like a daughter, why cant i have authority also

#.// It is not a sacrifice if in return of bringing them up we want them to stay with us/take care of us etc. Then it is a give and take. We have to let our children grow into independent adults, and let them have the freedom to live on their own. We can call it a SACRIFICE only if we have no expectations, but Indian parents have high expectations from their children, that is why we want sons and we want them to live with us.
We demand so much inreturn then how is it a sacrifice, it is GIVE & TAKE!
-----here u r right, we must not demand anything, but love them so much that they want to live with us


A very close friend of mine is working and recently her husband has decided to switch jobs, he will have to do some courses, and they did not have to think twice about it, because she can provide. A niece of mine, is earning more than her husband and now he is going to fulfill is dream of starting an NGO - he can only do it because they are a team, they are partners and friends. So all this is happening all over India, times are changing and we all must support our DILs an daughters. It's really nice that your DIL comments on your blog, I am sure she also allows you to comment on her Blog :)
In our Indian culture allow word is used for elders only:), so far my DIL has not commented, but she reads my blog, she is very respectful towards elders and she gets a lot of pampering from all of us being the youngest child in our family.

Equality does not mean we have to copy someone or become someone, equality simply means both have equal right to happiness, justice, freedom, success etc.
--you are more than 100 % right, I cant understand that i can be happy if any of my child is unhappy be it my daughter son or their spouses, for me their happiness is supreme and more important than my happiness even, and here I dont think of it as a sacrifice also, as this is what for me a FAMILY is.

Hip Grandma said...

check out my blog you have a liitle gift from me.

Destination Infinity said...

I think it is a good post.... You have indicated your preference and I guess that is quite fair. Maybe the women should take a break from their career at least for 4-5 years and then work on... Perhaps a job which doesn't take all day might also help.

Destination Infinity

Renu said...

hip grandma: Thanks for the award, i am really honored,I will put up a post very soon.

Destinion infinity: Thanks for appreciating my view and for dropping by.

the mad momma said...

thanks for dropping by Renu - I followed you back.

I am in agreement with most of what IHM said so I wont repeat. Just wanted to add that my husband did his MBA while I earned. And was even on a two month break after the course until he started work.

In his entire batch 40% of the men were students with working wives. I think that should answer your question.

I am a stay at home mother today because I feel that my kids need me. But I do know that I dont believe in the rest of the argument about relatives, cooking and arrogance.

That said, its funny we should lock horns beause on my own blog I often get a lot of working women sending me rude comments believing that because I stay at home, I am against them. Well, that is simply their own perception...

Renu said...

Thanks for following me here:)

I wil apreciate it if u read in this comments column my replies also:)

Ihave emphasized that I am talikng about ARRANGED MARRIAGes mainly, I got it from the horse's mouth only,
one today's modern girl only told me--that her earning sister got a proposal from a boy who wanted to study after marriage and she refused him.
even my BIL wanted to start his enterprise and wanted his wife to remain the sole earner for that period, she refused.

One more thing, neither u r against me, nor i against u:), blogging is all about writing ur own perspective, and perspective is formed by what one observes and mainly by experiences.

Pratibha said...

But Renu, how can you generalise basis two cases..I think it could as be an exception. I know of several women who support their husbands while they study, a lot of B-Schools in India are live examples to this. In my batch there were 10-12 married men, all being financially supported by their respective wives. And there are hundreds of good B-Schools to purport this fact.
In this generation these factors are not a bar, as the women are financially independent and more than capable of supporting their families.

Anonymous said...

All is hunky dory if you have a nice husband and subsequently peaceful and happy family life. There is no room in our indian mindset for 'the misfits' ... they are simple failures to be judged and condemned. They are not a part of the 'ideal world' you talk of.
I support many of your points in other posts, thinking about others before self etc. But I always see that people who are lucky ( getting a good hubby in arranged marriage is more often luck than not), think they have simple solutions to happy married life.